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Ded Letter Office
Letters from 2002

Date: 12/21/02
Subject: Michigan Ren Fest
DB -
What's all this about the Michigan Ren Fest and your possibly not returning? This Michigan girl is out of the loop. You are the only reason I go to the Ren Fest. Until I met you, I never leaned over a stage and let a dead guy pluck crisp bills from my lips.

Bob sez:
Haven't decided on Michigan yet for 2003. Check in on my site from time to time for uipdates on my schedule.

Date: 12/19/02
Subject: Proletariat Party of Bob
Dear Bob:
Do you have a proletariat party? If not, can I form one? We, the Bob zombies, will advocate the overthrow of all world governments and put thee, Ded Bob, as Supreme Dead Man, with Smuj as the leader of the zombies. Tell me what you think. If there already is a party, where can I join?
P.S. Are you eventually hoping for "The Ded Bob Show - Live in Madison Square Gardens" ?
-CCFreak (Communist Cult Freak)

Bob sez:
They'd have to beg me to play the garden. d.b.

Date: 12/18/02
Subject: love you
sooooooooooooooooo smuj is pretty sexy , is that really why you hide his face. i was going to ask you to marry me until i saw his pic on the site. i mean wow, grrrrrrrrrr baby you,me mich. what do you say baby grrrrrrrrr

Bob sez:
You are female...right?

Date: 12/05/02
Subject: Hey Ded Bob...
You would be honored if you knew how often your fans think of you. Or. Maybe surprised how many people don't have a life.
Last night my wife and I were having Chinese and were talking about snobby people and how at times people become so enamored of themselves that they become Snobmatized.
I think if the entire world were Bobmatized we would all be a lot better off.
Looking forward to seeing you again next year in Conroe, TX, Your New Orleans friends,
-Craig & Cynthia

Bob sez:
Amen, brother Craig. The whole friggin country is Boobmatized by the current pres. d.b.

Date: 11/26/02
Subject: Please come to the Louisiana ren fest
Caught your show several years ago and had a blast and yes we made a donation to the cause. Anyway the military being what they are saw fit to move us (again) we now go to the Louisiana Ren fest and we would love to see you there so tell smuj to bring you on down.
By the way. I am grateful to Zoltan for finding you as I found your link from his page.
Anyway please consider coming to the La Ren Fest. Itís wet and muddy and well itís Louisiana the whole darn place is a swamp but hey we have fun.

Bob sez:
By the time TRF is over, I'm as burned out as it gets. You'll have to come up to Houston, or do without. d.b.

Date: 11/26/02
Subject: Hey bob
Hey bob... thanks for 2001 and 2002... i think you can spot the difference...Smuj...keep up the good work! Must get hot under those rags huh? Well... thanks once again! Cant wait for next year... same act once more! Still lovin it!... tata
-lexi overton

Bob sez:
Yum yum O to be 18 again! d.b.

Date: 11/15/02
Subject: Plagiarism
Hello Bob,
my husband and I were at TRF a few weeks back and as usual, we caught your act. (Ded Bob ROX!) I just ordered 3 T-shirts (mine, Mine, MINE! well actually I'm keeping one, the rest are gifts for other Bob Zombies)
I digress. the reason for this e-mail (aside from wanton Bob worship) is to tell you that there is an online gaming company called Simutronics. this company owns and operates several live action, script based, role playing games. I spend an inordinate amount of time playing one of them in fact, it is called Gemstone III. the weekend before we attended TRF the "game" had an event called Ebon's Gate, which they have every year at Samhain. it is a festival not unlike a renaissance faire complete with merchants and performers, wenches, food, you get the idea. for the past two years I have attended this festival, and there has been a pair of performers there...one so ugly he has to wear sackcloth over his face, he holds a skeleton dummy who tells jokes and rails at the audience, occasionally holding up a large padded sledge hammer...sound familiar? it all but has the Ded Bob show! on a sign on the stage...right down to your lines, zombies, fifi, etc.
At this time I am trying to get a copy of a log of that part of the festival. when I do, would you like me to send it to you? the website itself can be found at www.play.net
Last year when I saw this act I thought perhaps the Simutronics corporation had your permission to use Bob. Then I thought to myself...Self? are you insane?! Bob would never allow himself to be used in such a cheap manner...now Smuj
seriously, I find this to be the worst kind of plagiarism and it offends me very much.
on a lighter note, My husband and I come to TRF from North Dallas at least once each year, it's a wonderful festival but frankly, I don't know if we would bother to make the drive if it weren't for your act and a few of the merchants that we don't get to see anywhere else. and when folk who've never had the balls to get on a stage and TRY to do what you do insist that you need new material? tellem' to get their own phuckin show
-Karen & Mark

Bob sez:
Thanks for the heads up, I'm not sure what to do about it, but thanks anyway, d.b.

Date: 11/05/02
Subject: Hiya Bob
Awww I think Bob Is Cute

Bob sez:
Awww, shucks. love fairies for lunch. d.b.

Date: 11/03/02
Subject: bob
dear bob,
how can i prove my love to you??? i really do love you! you're the only ded guy for me! tell me bob,how can i show my love for you??

Bob sez:
How old are you?

Date: 11/02/02
Subject: From your loving interpreter and bob-zombie of Michigan
Hello Ded Bob!
I just wanted to write and let you know how great you were last night! Oh! The things you can do with that femur of yours! Me bringing that "SPECIAL" toy that I like so much was almost not needed. However, the things you can do with that are amazing also.
I also wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed working with you at the Michigan Ren Fest. It is amazing that even when I haven't seen you for a while what an impact you make on me. You are truly the only reason I continue to work the Michigan fest. The owners are quite stingy and I hope you don't stop working there because of them. Each year I wait and wonder if I am going to get paid or not. This year it took them two months to pay us! I guess they were debating on if they were going to pay us. ( like the meager pay they give us for gas really is going to break them. If they really wanted to improve our impact on the festival, they would pay for breast implants! ) You can't stop working the Michigan festival because I won't work it anymore if you aren't there. Even though I was getting over West Nile Virus the weekend I worked, you did make it bearable for me. Thank you so much.
Ded Bob, you know you are my one and only. I am looking forward to seeing you again next year.
-Love,Jeni (Interpreter for Michigan Ren Fest)

Bob sez:
Your one and only, eh? Then who was that scroungy mutt I saw you with last Saturday?! You faithless strumpet!! I love that sort of slutty behavior. How did you know? Keep up the skanky good work. You're really starting to get to me. d.b.

Date: 11/02/02
Subject: Still love embalming
Hi Bob,
I'm going to spend the whole winter waiting for spring and the AZ Ren. Faire. I know what you think about mortuary science but I need your advice yet again. What would you suggest an Associate Degree or a Bachelors Degree.
Love you idolize Smuj,
-Aja Calhoun

Bob sez:
I suggest you skip the formal training and go underground. d.b.

Date: 10/25/02
Subject: thanks again ya big softie
Dear Bob,
Thanks again for the great entertainment. Me and the cleavage cuties in the hairwrap booth really appreciate your show. Nice legs. Chloe has once again requested a 'Ded Bob' type doll on her Christmas list. I need to get this taken care of and soon, as for the second year in a row the in-laws and ex's are asking me what the hell I'm exposing her too. Any ideas??? Cough one up Mr. 'I love the kids when they have money'. That little girl is growing up and I think she has her eye on Smuj's job. She has developed a sarcastic 'Bob like' attitude and a sense of humor that shocked a few adults. (I got a phone call about a teacher being referred to as 'Cleavage' and she has referred to my ex as being Ned-ly) Not that it's a bad thing. I personally feel you should be the host of a morning kids show, dirty jokes and all. In any case me and the Cleavage cuties will be admiring you from afar. Chloe of course will be front row and pie eyed. And Tiffy has offered to bounce for you anytime (I think Chloe is picking that up too).
-The Chaperone

Bob sez:
Who you callin softee? I'm stiffer than I've ever been. And, you'd better lock those "Cleavage Cuties" up before they get me in trouble. d.b.

Date: 10/24/02
Subject: Thanks Bob!
Dear Mr. Orwick,
Met you last weekend and you seemed preoccupied, even a bit pissed. Given the pathetic state of the Mich Fest I can't say I blame you. If you leave after this season I understand, but you ain't gettin outta town without hearing me out.
I don't call someone a "genius," nor in possession of "a heart the size of Jupiter" lightly ... nor very frickin often to be sure. But I've watched you for enough years, seen you elevate handicapped persons to the status of Royalty, compliment rather than bash school teachers, and amidst a gaggle of uber-celebrities - who say they don't want fame whilst standing in front of a camera shunted to millions of homes - seen you cover your face, pour your talent/soul into a puppet and end up bringing more joy than any of them put together. I wouldn't blame you if you stormed Conan, Leno, and Letterman with Bob, but still suspect you know that the "richest" people also seem to be the most unhappy, at least in my experience.
Vaudeville isn't easy to teach these days. That it doesn't easily translate into film, that when it's gone it's gone, and relies upon common real-time experience. Hopefully I'll get our drama club out to see you this Saturday before you are gone. If there is a Vaudeville Hall of Fame, you sure the hell should be in it lad. Thanks for the years, and countless laughs. Cheers and regards to you and yours.
And if Bob thinks this is maudlin, tell him I fart in his general direction! Your friend,

C.O. sez:
Thank you for your touching letter. You're correct in your observation of my "pissed" demeanor the other day. It was a result of a variety of factors and I'm not always adept at keeping my feelings to myself. Suffice it to say that I'm in good spirits again and as for now, I'm 70 per cent sure I'll be back in Michigan next year. C.O.
A certain festival owner, who shall remain faceless...

Tom replies:
None of us can imagine fall without Ded Bob! Attached please find our vision of MichFest owner Jim Peterson. heheheh Cheers and regards to you and yours lad. Hope JP comes around and shows the talent the respect they deserve as true vaudevillians! Keep in touch and hope ta hell you come back.

Bob sez:
Thanks for that. I've been looking for a portrait of J.P. for ever. d.b.

Date: 10/22/02
Subject: Texas RenFest
You were great Sunday. Thanks for the last 8 years.

Bob sez:
You were great Sat. nite! d.b.

Date: 10/19/02
Subject: Hello Bob
Hello Bob,
I ( Daniel Schmidt ), took this picture of you and my friends sammy ( left ) and heather ( right )... I was wondering if you could post the picture with our names on your website? The picture was taken 8th of September at the Mich Ren festival. Thank you very much.
PS. I donno if you noticed but smuj was in the picture 2 :)... details

Bob sez:
smuj says to tell Heather that he thinks she's ..... OW!! ....Alright! Sorry, suddenly he's too shy...."you idiot, you'll never get laid!" Oops, did I type that out loud? Fear not, D, you'll be posted. d.b.

Date: 10/18/02
Subject: Hey!
I just wanted to know why you aren't coming to Georgia anymore?

Bob sez:
Because smuj is a fat lazy slob. d.b.

Date: 10/16/02
Subject: Hey Bob
Hey Bob,
Are you holding open auditions at TRF, if so when..I will be there for the Nov. Shows. Hey if your looking for a spring faire there is Excalibur in Bastrop TX., I am sure they could use and abuse you better than the people Mich and Colo.
-Your Zombie for life and death Neal

Bob sez:
not yet. keep an eye on the website, if i decide anything that's where you'll find out. d.b.

Date: 10/08/02
Subject: T-Shirts
I want to buy a couple of Ded Bob T-Shirts, especially the one's that say "I've Been Bob-Motized", how can I get a couple??? I am fro m Michigan and the Ren Fest is long gone now. Can I get them online some how or where is the place to go for them???
-Bob (Now you know why I have to have a shirt with that saying) Squire

Bob sez:
Squire, Bob:
There should be a link off my website, if the promises that were made to me by "mypromostore.com" and my web guy are forthright. Let me check.......................Aaaaaaaahhhh...O.K.
here's what you do. Go to: http://www.dedbob.com/getstuf.htm and follow the instructions.
sorry for the delay, d.b.

Date: 10/03/02
Subject: Michigan Renaissance Festival
Hey Bob, and yeah smuj too :^),
I just wanted to say that as every year I loved your show at the Michigan Renaissance Festival. I had my 4 y/o son with me this year and he absolutely LOVED your show. He hasn't stooped talking about is since. He has told all the kids at school about it. Hopefully the owner of the MI Festival will stop being a stingy pain in the arse. We live in Chicago now, but we love your show so much that we still go to the MI Ren Fest because of you. You are one of the main reasons that we go every year.
Hope to see you again next year

Bob sez:
Exposing a 4 year old to the Ded Bob Sho is dangerous. It will teach him/her sarcasm, lust and a love of fart jokes. Don't say I didn't warn you. d.b.

Date: 10/03/02
Subject: all hail bob

Hi, Bob... (\(*_*)/) I hail you


Bob sez:
Hail yourself, d.b.

Date: 10/02/02
Subject: come back dedbob!
dear Dedbob, You have to come back to GA.or else we are not married! So if you decide to come back email my mom (Lee Litz). P.S. We still have to go on are hunny moon. okay bye!
-love,Anna litz(your wife)

Bob sez:
Words cannot express my feigned grief that I cannot fulfill my vows of marriage to yourself; nor for any of the (to date) 7,312 women that I have wed. I have been charged with polygamy and my full attention will be given over to litigation concerns. I may be criticized for asking that you remain faithful to me, but I think we both know it has to be that way. bless you, in advance, for your continued love and the checks from your uncle moe,

Date: 10/02/02
Subject: Hey You! :)
Hey! Last year I saw your show for the first time and I thought you were great. My sister had done impressions of you, but they weren't as good as the real you. I just wanted to say that I think you're awesome and I'll see you opening weekend at the Ren. Fest near Houston. I'll be the shopkeeper's daughter, dressed in a dress that really squeezes my bust, sitting in the front row... Maybe the second.... aw, hell, you'll see me. Lata!
P.S. I don't know if you remember or not, but I sent you an email last year saying that I was a fan, but I had never seen your show. I have now seen the show and I'm now more of a fan than ever. Hell, I'd be a groupie if I had the time and money.

Bob sez:
all submissions for groupie status are now being handled thru my agent: Harvey Groper.

Date: 09/28/02
Subject: Ded Bob, you are my Hero
Ded Bob,
I have been to the MRF for many years in a row, mostly just to see you (alright, I do enjoy those turkey legs) You are probably the funniest dead person I have ever seen in my life. I just returned home from it, and I must say, you had quite the uncooperational Zombie1 today. She would not even get hopping mad.
However, If you are not at the Festival next year, I fear that I shall have to hunt you down, and kill you...again. Not only that, but I will chain Smuj to some object far away from you, causing you to have to Crawl, pitafully, and miserably back to him, all the while being BONKED by all of the Zombies you have abused over the years with Extra-Strength Bonkers (AHHHH!...AHHHH!...AH!) Ok, well, I won't REALLY do that, but I don't want to have to fly all the way out to someplace like Texas, or, God forbid, COLORADO! To see you.
Would it help if I drew a nice picture of you? Would you come back to the MRF then?
-Your Loyal Fan, Dan, Lord of RavenLock

Bob sez:
All attempts at re-killing Bob will be met with exacting and swift repercussions. If you value your short hairs........
Sincerely, several [Bubba-like] members of Ded Bob's posse

Date: 09/28/02
Subject: 2003 AZ RenFair
This year, the Marshmellow promises to get a video camera and record your act and with your permission, publish it on the internet. We must share the wisdom and wit of your sho so that everyone knows your glory! And the Marshmellow is inedible. So the Marshmellow dosen't think he'll be on a fork over a fire any time soon.

Bob sez:
If you do that you will be sued for copywrite infringment and a swarm of clap-infected lawyers will camp for 11 months in your study and you'll be forked and fired for sure. d.b.

Date: 09/23/02
Subject: Mary 9-21-02
Dear Smuj and Bob,
This will be the third time today that I have tried to get an email to you. If these are repeated please excuse the blonde activity for the moment. So here goes..,I don't know that you will remember this or not but I was Zombie #1 "Mary" on your Noon Performance of Saturday 9-21-02. My kids said that having mom (that's me) up on stage, was the greatest...Your show made our faire experience complete. We had heard some very fun things about the performances and had to see for ourselves. The rumors didin't do you justice. We hope to see you again next year. I thought you might like a few copies of the pictures we took. If you could email me back and let me know that you received these I would love to hear from you. I hope that you enjoy your winter. I am going to try to attach 5 pictures. So here goes.
Take care and thanks for the laughs,
-Wendy Ward from Sault Ste. Marie, MI, aka Mary, Zombie #1

Bob sez:
Of course I remember you. You are my favorite Zombie ever. Sincerely, The actual Ded Bob and not his secretary pretending to be Ded Bob.

Wendy replies:
Hi bob,
Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to email a zombie...Where do you spend your winters? Will you be coming back to the Michigan Ren fest? If no than which will you be at instead? I will have to check the web page to get the scoop on my favorite dead guy. Did you get the pictures? I am new at that type of internet stuff.
Have a good day:)

Bob sez:
In Texas; Don't know yet; See previous answer; What pictures? d.b.

Date: 09/23/02
Subject: new song idea
I wrote this just for your bony butt! (And smuj's lazy fat one) LoL Enjoy, it's yours if you want it. If you do choose use it, could you please e-mail me and let me know? Thanks.

*sung to the tune of "on top of old smokey"*
On Top of My Coffin
On top of my coffin
all covered with dirt
I bent my ten incher
oh boy did it hurt

*raise bonker* "Aaaagh!"

I stood on the lid wrong
and both my feet slipped
some say it felt like
when they get their nuts clipped

*raise bonker* "Aaaagh!"

It took all week long
before I could heal
now it's all better
still like ally mcbeal

"What?! I meant boney!"

~Joshua from Eaton Rapids, MI

Bob sez:
Your submission of lyrics for a new bob song are even now being scrutinized by a team of diminutive donkey lickers testing them for texture and aroma. If approved, they will be sealed in air-tight panties and buried under Shaquille O'neil's left butt cheek.

Date: 09/23/02
Subject: THANK YOU!!!!!
Dear DedBob,
I've come to your show in Michigan for many years of your ded life, but never have I seen your ability to pick out rulebreakers from the audience be so uncanny as I saw on Saturday afternoon (the 21st). Zombie #1 at the 3:30pm show was just gorgeous! I've never seen such a perfect female Zombie as I did that day. When she came up on stage, I whispered (below my wife's hearing level) THANK YOU!!!....and when you turned to the audience and said "Your welcome", you probably answered mine and many other DedBob male fans instant worship of your Zombie seeking skills.
If SMUJ decides to retire, I want to try out as your new dummy (my wife already tells me that I'm stupid, so I'm qualified). I just want to be with you as more Zombie #1's like the one from Saturday afternoon appear with you on stage. What a ded life! Again, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!!!
P.S. I was so gratified to place many $1's (I didn't have a $5) in her basket when she came through the audience.
-Nick G., SMUJ protoge

Bob sez:
I am appalled at your blatant focus upon the physical status of my zombies while ignoring they're other attributes. It is just this type of typical male behavior that drives the ladies to me...and I thank you for that. d.b.

Date: 09/15/02
Subject: award
Hey smuj and bob hi your show is great I love it you should win like an emmy or something, bye

Bob sez:
In the renaissance circuit they're called Golden Privey Awards and I have three. d.b.

Date: 09/15/02
Subject: Festivities
I saw you at the Michigan Renfest this year and then I saw it again. You rock, and I wish I had more money to tip you with. Ah well. I was thinking, could you come to Tulip Time in Holland MI? Your kind of humor is just what we need to spice up our town. I know its not quite your style, but there would be plenty of tippers! Just a thought.
Hope to see you there,
-Bob Zombie #32456

Bob sez:
I'm the headliner! Make sure the promoters put me in the brochure! d.b.

Date: 09/06/02
Subject: my dad wants his t- shirt
Hey, my name is Adam, I'm 14, and im a fan. I want to say you're doing a great job, but you need to come up with some new material other than saying, 'I came up with some new material' that's it!? I would also like to say one more thing, the first time I came to the renascence festival in Michigan, Detroit area, you gave all the bob zombies free ded bob t-shirts, the second time I went, my dad was bob-motized yet he didn't get a t-shirt. All my dad got was the grand prize (BONK!) I?m not asking for one now, but I think you should give out shirts in the future.

Bob sez:
Your request will be forwarded to the proper authorities and placed in a round file. d.b.

Date: 09/06/02
Subject: shirts for ladies
cant you get some shirts for ladies withspagetti straps? they could say look into my eye sockets, with the socket stategicly placed if you know what i mean. this cuold bring in new ,bigger and better revenue for you and smuj. i will where it proudly with my beautiful 36 double cccc imagine your audiance now . all i ask is i get the first one. love your show
-sandy in mich.

Bob sez:
Please send photo of said 36 cccc's suitably oiled and we will consider your request. -the staff

Date: 09/06/02
Subject: Michigan Ren Fest
Hey, your show is awesome. It's the only reason I go to the Michigan Ren Fest.
-Johnny Gelmisi

Bob sez:
Me too. d.b.

Date: 09/03/02
Subject: Michigan Ren Fest
Hey Ded Bob!
I went to the Michigan Ren Fest labor day weekend, and my friends insisted we see your show, since I had never seen it before. It was wonderful! I don't think I've ever laughed so hard. ( perchance you remember a gang of pirates sitting in the front row on Labor Day? ) I hope you had a good time in Michigan... and stay away from Colorado! Those freakin' yuppies wouldn't know entertainment if it bit them in the ass. ( must be the thin air.. thin's out their brain cells )
Thanks again for the awesome show, I definitely be seeing you at the next faire ( with a 5$ tip of course... but only if i get laid by you, Bob )!
~Kelly Mitchell, Livonia Michigan

Bob sez:
I've just recieved news that some "freakin' yuppies", only minutes ago, were indeed bitten in the ass by some entertainment and are at this moment describing the incident to reporters. Let's tune in:
Jane Newslady: "......sounds horrible. Tell me, do you know what bit you?"
Freakin Yuppie: "No."
Well...you called it K. I stand in awe, d.b.

Date: 08/17/02
Subject: Michigan Renaissance Festival
Hey Bob-
I just wanted to email you to tell you that me and my friend read through all the letters after going to the Michigan festival finding out that you weren't there, and were disappointed to hear about all the problems and complaints you have with the festival. I emailed the fest here and told them what was on my mind and hope that I will get a response and that something will be done about it. We love your show and so does everyone we take to it, hope your around for years to come, oh, and never change the show. Its perfect the way it is.

Bob sez:
Thanks for your support. Oddly enough, the owner is getting even more stingy than ever. I'll be at the Michigan Festival as of Labor Day Weekend. d.b.

Date: 08/14/02
Subject: NY Ren
Hey Bob!
Saw you for the first time at the NY Ren Faire this year! With the exception of a sea of wenches in push-up bras you were the highlight of the day. You are one funny bastard! Til next year...Bonk this!!

Bob sez:
How'd you know I'm a bastard? d.b.

Date: 08/13/02
Subject: MIRF
Hey Bob
What's the deal with the Michigan Festival. I saw you there for the first time last year. Loved the sho. Enjoyed the festival (my first festival). Is the MIRF really going down the tubes?
Are you going to be there this year? When? I hope so cause you were definitely the highlight of the day. Hope to bring my wench along this year to see you (she's got 42 double d's).

Bob sez:
42 Double D's!?!?!?!
Holy Mackeral! Wrap em up, I'll take em. Alright, just for you I'll be in Michigan as of Labor Day Weekend, d.b.

Date: 08/08/02
Subject: Dead Bob's the Shit
HEY BOB, what's up? I saw you this last year at the CO Ren Fest and thought you were hilarious. I can understand the whole womanizer thing, they are pretty freakin hot. Wouldn't you say. Anywayz, the thing I will remember most about you is everytime you saw my girlfriend you called her "Bite size" or "A sexy little wench." The only thing I have to say to you in return is I got to go home with that bite sized, sexy little wench!!!
-Justin A. Stone

Bob sez:
Ah, you lucky bastard...What did you do when you got there? d.b.

Date: 08/08/02
Subject: WOW
Dear Ded Bob,
I was amazed at the wit and humor that spilled forth from your naked mandible. Do you do weddings, bar mitzvahs or funerals? Also, how much would it cost for a private bonking:-).

Bob sez:
No weddings, no mitzvahs, definately no funerals although that could be fun. As for a private bonking...chop off your johnson and grow some tits and we'll talk. d.b.

Date: 08/07/02
Subject: how ya doin
hey hey... how ya doin dead bob...hehe......just saying that as a garland girl rite outside the globe u did a good job at annoying the fucc outta me..good job. *pat on bak* cant wait till this year when ya do it again, counting down, yup...lol

Bob sez:
Thanks for your support. May I suggest some spelling and typing lessons? d.b.

Date: 07/31/02
Subject: from a beer wench in CO
Being a beer wench close to the Globe stage at the Colorado Renaissance, I would be remiss in not voicing the laughter you brought me more than once each day....a wonderful show I never tired of enjoy.
While I continue with that day-to-day job of working with numbers, best wishes for fantastic festivals for you!!

Bob sez:
Thank you, beer wench.
I hope your tips are abundant...and erect! d.b.

Date: 07/26/02
Subject: TRF to NYRF
Hey Bob!    (I'll wait) I first saw your act at the TRF about 6 years ago, definitely a depends moment. But who knew your little hands would be so cold you naughty boy? (I know, I know........ you're ded) I saw you again at the TRF when I was very, very pregnant (and in full wench costume) (no...........not yours, not your costume either) and you took great delight in pointing out to everyone just what the baby would have to look forward to at feeding time and damnit if you weren't jealous! Thanks so much, you made my day at the faire, what good is getting all puffed up during pregnancy if there's no ded-lechers around to notice. I now live on the east coast and am fabulously delighted to know that I will be able to see you at the New York Renaissance Faire in Tuxedo this year. The Mud Show is fun........but a faire is just not the same without you. I'll be there opening weekend.........can't wait!
-Love ya baby, Cheryl

Bob sez:
How do you know it's not mine!!?? Did you forget our night of debauchery in Cancun already, you trollup? d.b.

Date: 07/22/02
Subject: Glad to see you back (smuj too)
I started to worry with all the rumours flying that you would not be at Larkspur this year. I heard you'd been letting smuj take a break. I was delighted to see you again last weekend. My mate found your "Sit, damn you" rather interesting and hillarious as it seemed to scare and tame the little brats running around in front of the stage. He still cannot decide whether he liked you or Puke and Snot better. He did get laid although he gave you a lousy dollar. We in Colorado are indeed cheap bastards.
-Lilac, Longmont Colorado

Bob sez:
Aha!!! Do you see this COLORADO? You cheap )(*^$((#_(*&%*&# d.b.

Date: 07/22/02
Subject: Cheapest beings on earth?????
Ded Bob,
What's this I read on your website about Coloradoans being the cheapest beings on earth? I'm practically in the poorhouse from the money I spent at the festival! Maybe you'd get more cash if you wrote some new material??? Okay, I'm joking. Loved the show. I'm sorry other Coloradoans are so cheap. I hope you'll return.
Also, what's this about giving people crap for not spelling stuff correctly? This coming from the guy whose show is called "The Ded Bob Sho"? Who needs to get a dictionary? :P Your name gives my spellchecker fits!
P.S. I saw you diss that guy with the Hawaiian shirt and black socks! THANK YOU!!!!!
Hope to see you again,

Bob sez:
Oh, quit your whining. All I ever ask for is a dollar... The good news is: with the money I made in Colorado, I can buy smuj that "Whopper" he's had his eye on...Thanks Rocky Mountain State! d.b.

Date: 07/22/02
Subject: Coming back to CO?
Hey Ded Bob!
I went to the Colorado Renaissance Fair yesterday, and saw your act for the first time. You and Smuj were the funniest thing there, and you have nothing to do with the renaissance! I was just wondering, are you and your bag-headed dummy coming back next year?
PS - The thing where you have Smuj steal the bench is hilarious

Bob sez:
Don't know yet, I can never seem to get the terms agreed to during negotiations to come to fruition at that faire. d.b.

Date: 07/18/02
Subject: Hey
Hey d.b. I looked you up on web because I was telling my friend a story about you. I was born and raised at the ren faires. When I was about three (1989 ?) I was at the Fairburn, GA show while my mom worked for Toni Lamberti (Queen of Hearts clothing). I was deathly afraid of you. One weeknight I was walking across the fair to find my mother at the payphone and you just appeared out of nowhere. I will never forget how scared I was! I was ( and still am ) in awe of you. Thank you for doing your job so well. I may never see you again, but I will never forget you.
-Love, Zhasmene

Bob sez:
Interesting name, are you of exotic decent or do you just have hippie parents? Thanks for your support, but you may want to find someone else to love, as well as me. d.b.

Date: 07/15/02
Subject: Loved it
I saw Ded Bob for the first time this year. I loved it. I went back to work on Monday telling everyone I saw about Ded Bob, but they already knew who he was. We spent all day laughing and doing our Ded Bob impressions.

Bob sez:
Al, please send a notice listing your time spent doing the impressions so our billing department can send an invoice. d.b.

Date: 07/14/02
Subject: Hey Bob auditions
Open auditions sound great, I will be there like always stealing your material,.. I only steal from the best.
actually I do hope your serious,. I have worked the faires done differant jobs but I do believe being Smuj will work for me.. I have the right couch attitude, am leacherous to a fault,.. and greedy to boot.
ok here is the deal I would make you.. I live up to your high expectations,.. and take a small cut of the procedes, the rest which I turn over to you for a number of years till I buy out the rights to be THE BOB.
let me know.. I will be waiting for your TRF apperance,.. even if I don't get choosen I will always be a loyal Ded Bob Zombie.

Bob sez:
Easy there, Champ, I haven't decided anything yet. d.b.

Date: 07/12/02
Subject: treated disabled child well
Hello Bob and Smuj. Last year we came to the children's day at the Colorado festival, we had our son with us, he was in a wheelchair, he has cp. We just wanted to thank you for how well you treated him, you made him laugh and feel like a king. We would have thanked you last year but did not know you had a web site until this year. Anyhow, thanks so much.
-Jenni, Damon, Josh, David and Nicholas

Bob sez:
Tell him that wench he was flirting with is knocked up!!! If he shows up at the fair again, he better be ready to own up to his dalliances. d.b.

Date: 07/05/02
Subject: A member Of Ded Bob-Aholics Annon.
Greetings, Ded Bob!
After Seeing you in the GA Ren. Fest. the last year you were there, I was informed that you were not returning. My little heart broke, as I realized it was truth... I had told many of my friends about you, and your act, with Smuj. I also went on all the message boars I post upon, and posted links to your site. I also issued a series of web-site referrals, (and there were about 18 total) and your site was listed in all 18! Anyways- When I was at your sho, You just so happened to invite my mum onstage with you, and she was your first victim to be Bob-motized for that sho... Anyways- It was fun, and entertaining to see you sass on my momma like that. (We always sass each other for fun, so it was nice seeing someone else help me, since I'not quite as clever as she is.) Anyways- I was also wondering if anyone has a tape that I can buy of one of your proformances ??? Do you plan on making a tour at any comedy clubs? Just wondering..... I also think that I had more to say, but I forgot... (like you, I'm a tad absent minded.)
Oh well...I do know that I had something else I wanted to ask... is it You,or Smuj that wants to retire??? I'd love to take over the Job for Smuj, if you're interested.... Just let me know, on how much the contract is.... I know you said that geed has taken over, Bu I think it'd be a shame to allow the legend of Ded Bob to just fade out like a damn old light-bulb. I mean, we could always pay royalties to Smuj. Oh well, it's worth a shot. Just let me know, or have some paperwork drawn up, or something if it's possible. I really hope so, because I'd love to work with ya, Bob. I really need something positive in my life. Maybe you have a relative that I could tour with??? Anyways- I'm gonna go for now. I hope to hear back from you soon.
BTW- please reply to the email itself, and Not post on your site.... I am making a serious inquiry about the franchise, and would hate to further make myself appear to be a fool. I do that fine by myself, Thanks!
-Sincerely, Timothy B. Howard, II

Bob sez:
Timothy, I was all set to pass the whole ded bob mess over to you when I noticed the "jedi" in your e-mail address. Sorry, but I can't pass the show off to a nerd. d.b.

Date: 07/05/02
Subject: wow, I can't believe I'm writing you!
Hi there smuj, my name is Laura but all my friends call me Slave. Long story, not very funny anyways. Here's the deal - I've been a loyal bob zombie since I first saw your show with my loyal bob zombie best friend, Renee, five years ago. I am TOTALLY proud to say that I was a Mary Oat Blossom that very first time, and proceeded to buy a "many faces of Bob" shirt. I tell ya, smuj, that shirt is weird to wear to school because it gives weirdo guys that are ren fest freaks the chance to hug you without asking. Anyways, I've got a few things I'd like to say before I come to that small, dusty hot town to see you this Sat. Most importantly, thank you so much for coming this year. I not only always enjoy your show SO much more than Puke and Snot because you're up with the times, man, but also, after looking over your cool site, I've learned that I have a lot in common with you! I bet you get that a lot, but I have cool things in common with you. I played the Cheshire cat my senior year of high school (my comp teacher told me I acted more like a cat in heat, how weird huh) and I've also been working as a janitor to pay the rent. Janitor stuff sucks a lot, don't get me started.
Well, I'll try to make this shortER than it is already. I want to tell you thanks again, and I really respect your work a lot. I can hardly wait to sit front and center, just like we always do, with my best friend Renee again (you'll know it's us, we always wear our bikini tops to your show), and with my other great bob zombie friend Justin, who Bob once referred to as a weenie and boy was he ever on the dot, and new friend who shares Bob's name who is a loyal bob zombie, and my boyfriend Patrick, who I'm excited to say will be bombdafied or however you spell it for the very first time!!! Tell Bob to pop his cherry well, please. He needs it. We all do, smuj, we all do.
Love, a loyal fan with loads of respect for the man behind the mask,
-Laura "Slave" Fager, Fort Collins, Colorado

Bob sez:
Slave, thanks for your letter, and you're welcome for the hugs. I think, I ended up speaking with you after my last show, if I'm not mistaken. Good luck with your thespian efforts, d.b.

Date: 07/01/02
Subject: September 1
I've heard great stuff about Ded Bob and I'm hoping to check it out. I wanted to confirm whether or not you will be at the Michigan Renaissance Festival on Sept. 1...
-Thanks, Kevin

Bob sez:

Date: 07/01/02
Subject: I got ******
My dearest Bob,
Words cannot express how grateful I was for you to pick my boyfriend to be "Ned" in your show last Saturday at the Colorado Renaissance Festival. His stage present was nothing compared to yours. Thanks for the laughs and the photo opportunities. I will cherish my picture of me with you forever. I will order T-shirts so you will always be close to my heart. Please give Smuj my best. I did get ****** for the $5.00 I gave you. THANK YOU:>)
-Kathy in Colorado

Bob sez:
Kathy, thanks for your letter. I didn't get a picture, was there one attached? If you want send it and we'll post it on the website. If you want to send one of you getting ******, I'll save that one for myself, d.b.

Date: 06/29/02
Subject: Seattle wants you
Dear Ded Bob,
I saw your show about 12? years ago at the Arizona Renn Faire and LOVED IT!!! I have never laughed so hard in my life. I have since moved to Seattle and miss seeing you every year. I have flown to Phoenix a coupe of times just to see your show. Do you ever think you'll do a show in the pacific northwest? There is a small renn faire starting up that could really use you and smuj to liven things up. Plus you can abuse us scadians.

Bob sez:
When is it? I'm looking for alternatives to the shows I'm doing now. The michigan show is being neglected into crap and the people at the colorado show are the cheapest beings on earth. d.b.

Date: 06/25/02
Hi thier.... win are ya comin bak ta aruzona?
-Tappitha Sorri

Bob sez:
I'll return to "Arizona" when you learn to spell. Have you considered school? Many people have tried it and sometimes some knowledge slips through in spite of the density of todays youth. d.b.

Date: 06/20/02
Subject: hi
Hey I saw you show and I really liked it. You are really funny.

Bob sez:
I got your e-mail, I really liked it, you're not very funny. d.b.

Date: 06/19/02
Subject: >^,,^<
Dear ded Bob,
Hey Ded Bob, I live in NM, Albuquerque. And the S.C.A is having a festival retreat for my birthday, and it would be great if you could possibly drop by. I know your lazy, but if you can beat Smuj of the couch and stay for a day I know a lot of pirate wenches that would love to come to your show! It's July 26-29 Love your site!
>^,,^< Kat

Bob sez:
S.C.A.? isn't that the Society for the Creative Waste of Duct Tape? No offense, but I'm busy. d.b.

Date: 06/15/02
Subject: why?
Dear ded Bob,
This year in Colorado you decided t make me zombie #1. my question is why? well i know you are cute and all but why? i did not brake the rules. wait i know. it was because i am cute. well then i would like to thank you.

Bob sez:
because you're cute. don't thank me, thank your lucky genomes. d.b.

Date: 06/14/02
Subject: Arizona Ren Fest
Hey D.B.,
I haven't been to your site since the beginning of the AZRF. Basically because after attending every...single....fricken...weekend...both days...for eight weekends, I'm pretty much renned out for a couple of months (or in the Betty Ford clinic). But I was just looking at you letters and I like your response to the gal asking about your old material at AZRF this year. I've seen you there for eight years. In those eight years I've seen the perfection of your show evolve. And I wouldn't have it any other way. What if you changed it and you didn't say "Hey audience!" or pick up the bonker to hear the audience "Scream in horror" or see Fifi abuse the power or (and most importantly) see Sweet Marry Oat Blossom get hopping mad. Jeeeezzzzz Bob, that would just plain suck!!! Keep up the good work and don't change a thing.
Anyway, every year I seem to meet some wench out here in the real world that has never seen your show or been to a festival and I manage to drag her out there. It always gets me laid. (btw, I owe you about 300 bucks...) Your show seems to act like some sort of aphrodisiac. Must be the site of your 10" long.........femur. Thanks for all the extra horizontal mambo. Oh and don't worry, I practice safe mambo.
You da Bob!!!
P.S. Screw the way they treat the regulars. We spend a butt load of cash.
-The pollinator

Bob sez:
Bless you and the uterus you road in on. Do you see this? All you bitchers out there? You want a new show write one you lazy fucks! d.b.

Date: 06/13/02
Subject: colorado renaissance fest.
Greetings and Salutations-
For many years i have been enjoying your shows in Larkspurshire... and then you disappeared.. i was very happy to know that you came back though. I have just looked over your website and saw that you are semi retired, which is very understandable (I would want to retire with some of the people who attend the faires..shudder) In any case, I was curious how much longer you will be coming to our wonderful state, as you are retiring. I have a few friends that I would like to bring down to see you perform before you go. Keep up the good work, and as much as I enjoy your shows, alas I know that all good things must come to an end. I hope that you enjoy yourself where ever you may go.
-Krystyl (one of the most understanding of your zombies)

Bob sez:
Nothing is for certain yet, I'm just letting people know that even tho I'm dead, smuj has a life [such as it is] I've been thinking about holding open auditions at the festivals for my replacements. What do you think? d.b.

Date: 06/01/02
Subject: we missed you
Went to the Festival in atlanta and it just wasnt the same without ya !! Hope all is well, we asked about ya and everyone said you were just too lazy to come out this way but we forgive you
-Paul and Barbara

from smuj:

Date: 06/01/02
Subject: We miss you!!!
We missed you in Atlanta. It wasn't the same without the Ded Bob flair. We had to write to you and tell you how much we missed you. I brought my boyfriend with me this year hoping you would be there, and I was terribly disappointed that you weren't there. I hope to see you next year.
Miss You Bunches,
-Valerie, Denise, and Corey

Bob sez:
Did it ever occur to you that bringing your "boyfriend" may be the very reason I didn't return? Perhaps you should consider smuj's feelings before you write such things in the future...you women are all alike! How about this...I didn't come because there was a girl who lives down the street that is way prettier than you and I didn't want to waste my time with all the trollops in Georgia.
Yours till someone else came along, d.b.

Date: 05/28/02
Subject: GA Renfest
Smuj & Bob,
Too bad that you did not do the GA Renfest this year. Have fun in semi-retirement, but I am sure that you will be back soon. Nothing can beat a steady paying gig and there is only so much laziness one person can have. Hope that the other Renfest Faires appreciate what they got.
-Whaler 94, Bob Zombie #12459

Bob sez:
I hear you #12459.
While I've got your attention, there are a group of festival goers in sector twelve refusing to be merry and gay! Could you look into that and report to the village gossip? You'll realize she's the village gossip, because she'll have "VILLAGE GOSSIP" plastered across her chest and her name will be "Gabby Toxalot".

Date: 05/20/02
Subject: Atlanta Festival
Say it isn't so and that you are at the Atlanta Renaissance Festival this weekend!
-M. Rapin

Bob sez:
Well, duh....I was there, where were you? I was working the "spagetti on a stick booth" d.b.

Date: 05/20/02
Subject: remembering when
Hey, DedBob and smuj!
We just wanted to drop you a line and tell you how much we love you. Sadly, we have not seen your sho in many years as we are now living in Iowa and you don't perform any closer to us than Michigan. But we do have your sho on video tape and we have shown it to all of our friends here -- who, of course, find you hilarious and want you to come to our faires!
We first saw your sho 11 (or 12?) years ago at the Michigan Ren Faire and we've been fans ever since. In fact, we were married at that faire and, of course, we had to celebrate our day by seeing your sho, having photos taken with you and buying your t-shirts (which we still have and wear). It's been 10 years this fall and we wanted to let you know that we are still together and still think of the fun we had with you that day. (Tiffany says thanks for the kiss "on the other cheek," by the way!) We sincerely wish we could celebrate our big anniversary at the Faire with you, but, sadly, we must travel to Michigan in July instead for a family reunion. We suppose we could say, "Tough, we're going to wait and go see DedBob!" but considering that side of the family hasn't seen our children in about 3 years... and some of them have never seen them... *sigh* Ah, well. Perhaps some fortunate day we can bask in your glory again.
P.S. We were thinking you wouldn't remember us (as you meet so many people), but perhaps you would. We were the first wedding at the MI faire in many years. The funny thing is that they said we could get married there "if we kept it quiet." We just hopped up on a stage with a few good friends (and the king's heralds, actually) and were done with the ceremony in all of 10 minutes. Supposedly, people got a kick out of us being there (we DID wind up on the radio and won their "couple married the least amount of time" contest) because the next year the faire had about 50 couples get married simultaneously!
Ever your faithful zombies,
-Tiffany and David Cox

Bob sez:
T & D,
Frankly, I am appalled. Appalled that your petty family reunion could be soooo important that our special 10 or 12 year relationship is tossed off like twice played Brittney Spears CD. This is so typical these days. Well, that's the thanks I get. Oh, why do I bother? Go...go see your Mommy and Grampy Chuck and Nanna Betsy Sue. I hope you choke on little Billy's birthday cake, you ungrateful, disloyal, Bob diss-ing hooligans!

s.s. (smuj script)
don't mind him he lost his boner this morning, and he's been a prick all day. smuj

Date: 05/20/02
Subject: No Bob at Scarborough
I was recently at the Scarbrough Fair here in Texas. I was quite upset to hear that there was no Ded Bob to be found!! It wasn't a Renaissance Fair experience with Ded Bob not there. Have you ever considered visiting the Lone Star State in the spring? We all miss Bob here in Dallas!!!

Bob sez:
I've been there, beautiful site, great performers, lovely crafts... what do you need a dead guy hangin around for?

Date: 05/16/02
Subject: ded bob
I dont understand the method to your maddness....... but it is very cool what u do here. Its just sic the childish charicter of BOB the dead skelaton macin on women keep up the good worx.
-John Evanofski

Bob sez:
Thank you,
As for yourself, might I suggest some spelling lessons? d.b.

Date: 05/15/02
Subject: Oh, the places you should go!
Dear Bob,
I have just learned that you will not be gracing the Georgia Rennaisance Festival with your presence this year. Alas for my home town of Atlanta! I am sure you have meaningful personal or economic reasons for this decision, so you shouldn't mind a bit as your faithful fans waste away for lack of Bob. But we are not the only ones missing out! For the first time in years YOU will not have the pleasure of seeing me me and my best friend, both lovely college-age women now, in your audience. Alas for Ded Bob! However, if you should come to the Pennsylvania Rennaisance Faire in the late summer/autumn season, you will find me and my college friends at your show. You don't need to bother responding to this email in words, simply show up at one of the suggested locations. You can bring Smuj.
-a Sad Student

Bob sez:
Send me some pictures of you and your college friends naked and I'll reconsider my decision. d.b.

Date: 05/12/02
Subject: Any chance?
Yes, I came across your site from a link that I picked up at he Tennessee Renaissance Festival- CrystalMountain Aromatics. I have checked out your site and was just curious as to wether or not you would ever be performing at a Tennessee Festival? Please let me know because I would love to see you in action!
-Mandy Kees

Bob sez:
Fraid not, I'm semi-retired...smuj is getting fat and lazy...I can't do a thing with him. d.b.

Date: 05/10/02
Subject: Rumor Control
Greets & all that type of thing,
Let me get this straight... Is Bob/Smuj quitting The Biz? I keep getting lambasted with tons of inane rumors that Ded Bob is:
A. Dead. No, DEAD with an "A". Really. The guy's dead. Some guy at the RennFaire told me this and...
B. No, he just got sick of all the idiots who never tipped him & quit & got a Real Job.
C. Is a Huge Comedic Success in the Former Soviet Republiks.
What gives? If your alive & well, let me/the fans know. Set the record straight!!
Best wishes to ya,
A guy who tipped ya a TEN once, (because when I was young, I could only tip QUARTERS!)
-Andrew Herdeg

Bob sez:
In response to "A": Not Again!
In response to "B": True and False, am sick of idiots, no real job.
In response to "C": Probably, though I've never been to any Soviet Republiks.

Date: 05/03/02
Subject: Appearance
Hey-y-y-y Bob!
I've seen your show and thought it was great. I am writing to find out about your schedule and possible bookings outside of Renaissance Festivals. If this is a possibility and you would be interested, please contact me. Thanks for your time!
-Rich Summers

Bob sez:
I have had generally less than satisfactory results with gigs outside the renaissance circuit. I will consider whatever proposal you may have, but frankly, I don't really want or need anymore work. Of course, like all americans, I have sold out to greed and cannot resist a fat paycheck. I hope that doesn't sound arrogant.
Thanks in any case, d.b.

Date: 05/01/02
Subject: Hey Bob!
My name is Irina, and I live in Georgia, and you aren't here!!!! I know that the Georgia ren fest isn't the best, by a long shot, but its all we have! Is there any chance that you might be coming back? Ever? Please come back Bob! And bring that dummy Smuj! We miss you!! The Ren Fest just isn't the same without you.
-Irina going through Ded Bob withdrawl

Bob sez:
Irina, death as life goes on. I'm thinking about opening my own place. Keep an eye on the web site for info. d.b.

Date: 04/20/02
Subject: dedbob puppets?
do you guys sell dedbob puppets? if so how much would it be? or how about a dedbob blow up doll? oh how much fun that would be!

Bob sez:
They are available at Walgreens: $19.99

Date: 04/19/02
Subject: Money...
Who the hell is this Jim Peterson guy and what can we (all your fans) do to stop the insanity?????
-Mistress Katt, MI

Bob sez:
He owns the Michigan, Minnesota, Kansas City, and Largo [in Fla.] Festivals and from what I understand they are all suffering from lack of upkeep. d.b.

Date: 04/18/02
Subject: Arizona Festival
Hi! You are fantastic! WOW! I saw you at the Arizona Renaissance Festival and your show, of course, for the first time this year. And now... I am an avid Ded Bob fan. YAY! You have yet another faithful Bob Zombie! But...alas I weep! Rumors have been flying that you will not be returning to the Faire next year. Confirm PLEASE. If you, indeed, will not be coming back PLEASE explain why. Why on earth would you not come back to our wonderful state? Is it not beautiful? Are the ladies displeasing? Come to me! I would be quite the contraire to the latter question. I, sadly, was never an official zombie, but I would have made the perfect candidate, if you can guess why. Hehe. Anyway, that much is about all I have to say. You rock, Ded Bob! OH! And PLEASE come back!!!
-Aniecie N. Casey

Bob sez:
I'll be back. d.b.

Date: 04/15/02
Subject: Ded Bob Sho 2002
Much to the Marshmellow's enjoyment, the Marshmellow got to visit the AZ Ren Faire this year. Bob is the greatest show there in the Marshmellows' opinion, and no other show should be hosted save for the Ded Bob Sho. Therefore, all the money that brings the other feeble shows should go strait to Bob.
The Marshmellow would like to thank Bob for influencing his life and twisting it to the horrid mass it is today. Without Bob, there would be no Marshmellow. And yes, the Marshmellow always talks like this. So yes, in a way, this could be called normal. Whatever normal is.
Hail to Bob, and maybe to smuj. Ok, he has to get credit for carrying Bob around, so Hail to smuj.
-the Marshmellow

Bob sez:
Here's to seeing you on a forked stick over campfire. d.b.

Date: 04/12/02
Subject: Aloha Bob...
I'm originally from Hawaii and moved to GA a little over a year ago. My boyfriend brought me to the GA Ren Faire last year because of your show. I loved watching it so much that I looked forward to seeing you again this year. But my boyfriend and I both learned and are saddened that you won't be there. And after reading other posts from Ded Bob fans, seems like most of them are from GA. You're gonna be missed. We hope you'll reconsider returning back here again really soon. Until then, take care and Aloha!
- Hoku

Bob sez:
Aloha your own self, and thanks for the kind words. d.b.

Date: 04/02/02
Subject: Super Ded Bob
I just wanted to let you know that your infamy is known to the far reaches of the continent. My best friend and I are all the way north in Toronto and we are huge fans. She even has a many expressions of Ded Bob t-shirt that she adores, (her dad has one too). Well friend, keep up the great entertainment. With the world full of so many Britney Spears' and Back Street Boys, we need Bob, the avenger of good, to entertain the masses.
- Charlon and Alix

Bob sez:
You said it my friend, when will the world realize that I alone can rule the universe. But soon my zombies will grow in number consuming all who stand in their way til they blot out the sun and........... I'm getting ahead of myself, later eh?

Date: 03/31/02
Subject: Missing you In Georgia
My 6 children were heart broken to see that you are not on this years program for the Georgia Ren Fest. Of the 5 daughters that love your show, our youngest, Anna (Age 8) who you married 2 years ago, is the most crushed!! At the time we thought, how much could a ded guy break her heart or get her in trouble? Now she's heart broken that she won't get to see her "bonehead" get "bonked" or "bobmotised" this year at the renaissance festival. Oh a tragedy that you've spread upon our family.... Where should we send the divorce papers? Anna says its over!
Hope we can see you at one of your other venues some day - Take care of smuj...
Until then - get bonked!
-John, Lee, Rebekka, KC, Ashley, Samantha, Tim and Anna (your ex-wife) - Cleveland, GA, USA

Bob sez:
Thanks, Litzes
Tell Anna I'll bonk her in my dreams. d.b.

Date: 03/29/02
Subject: AZ faire
So what is the verdict on the negotiations for the Arizona Festival! I clammered them with phone calls! And spread the word! WE WANT BOB!

Bob sez:
three more years. d.b.

Date: 03/26/02
Subject: Marry Me!
Hi, hi, hi! Well, first of all I just want to tell you that I love your show. It's just amazing! It's so funny. I came twice this year and saw your show 5 times, I think. I came with a friend of mine that you know- kinda'. Anyway... I gotta ask you- will you marry me? :O) Because you're just great stuff. I'll marry any one of you. Bob, Smuj, or the man behind the mask - whom I've heard is pretty sexy. Lol. You're already married, huh? NO? G/F? MAYBE? NO? Well, if you do... I can go for a little menage (sp?). If not...just marry me! Marry me and... this person you know. I can't tell you who that is. You'll know, though. You probably got a thing with age, though, huh? Damn if you do.
Alrighty then, I'm going to go. Hope you have a lovely day or afternoon or night or whatever! I'll send an erotic dream your way, okay? Lol...

Bob sez:
we here at ded bob productions take your proposal of marriage very seriously. Even now a team of researchers are checking into your personal history and crosschecking the results with bob's/smuj's/guy behind the mask's compatability charts. If the results are promising, a driver in a mercedes limousine will arrive at your door to whisk you away to Paris, via the "chunnel" where you will be sold to slave traders and sent to the himalayas to service monks.
sincerely, d.b. productions

Date: 03/22/02
Subject: Don't Leave the Arizona faire
Pleaseeeeee don't leave the Arizona faire. I was reading some of the emails and found this is a possiblity. I will be contacting the faire and demanding that you always come visit us. YOU ARE THE BEST. We will not go back if you are not there. You have a way with people, you told my daughter to sit the hell down at your show this year and I have never seen her move so fast to sit. Thanks. We Love you and Love your show!!!!
Thanks for all the great laughs,
-Don and Jill Stevens

Bob sez:
Calm down fella. I just signed for another three years. d.b.

Date: 03/20/02
Subject: Ded Bob Comes to NY
All Hail Ded Bob!!! (...and smuj)
Can it be? Is it really, really true?!? The New York Renaissance Faire is to be Bob-motized this summer! Woo Hoo! And just when I thought that management at the NYRF were brain-ded (he he), they go and hire the coolest stiff I know to entertain us NY Rennies. I caught your show for the first time last year in AZ while I was there visiting relatives. My family and I enjoyed it greatly and we have been Bob Zombies ever since. I have been enjoying Ren Faires for about 14 years now and the NY Faire (in Tuxedo) is my home faire. I thank the Gods that you (and smuj) will be here, even if you don't have any t-shirts, or hats, or slippers, or colostomy bags for sale. See you at the show.
-Sir Drake

Bob sez:
I'll be there with bones on. No colostomy bags tho, I gave up pooping long ago. d.b.

Date: 03/19/02
Subject: New York Ren Faire
Dear Ded Bob, I was so thrilled to see that your are finally coming to my side of the country that I went right to the site for the New York Ren Faire and began looking around. I discovered Rennaisance Mad Libs, and decided to use your name as part of one... this is what I came up with. I though it was so funny, I wanted to share. I can't wait to see your show again this summer!!

"Lover's Lament: Oh unhappy I bounce. My manatee I have given in troth to my courageous love, Ded Bob. With a little toe as tiny as a tomato and a voice which sends elephants to under the sea, Ded Bob is all cat in mine eyes. 'Twere it not for Ded Bob 's dastardly quasi uncle we would married be already. God's elbow be that collosal relation, for Ded Bob and I should e'en now be bathing together in marital bliss. Would that I were a terrible daffodil, such impediments should not breath and I would but pursue Ded Bob from his/her clavicle and we would ride together upon my bold lantern into the night to live heavenly ever after."
-Love, one faithful fan, Shiningstar

Bob sez:
O shining star thouest twinkle as the rhinestone pasty which jutteth proudly upon the tipped yabbo of Persephone. d.b.

Date: 03/17/02
Subject: Michigan Ren Fest
Dearest Bob and Smuj-
Greetings from a faithful fan in Michigan! I see alot of posts saying you won't be attending this or that Faire. Please don't EVER stop coming to the Michigan Fest,we (at least anyone worthy of note) all love you here!! With any luck I'll make it again to see your Sho this year...Sincerely,
-Melisa Baranek

Bob sez:
Melissa, fear not.
I will be returning to Michigan this year beginning August 31st. d.b.

Date: 03/15/02
Subject: GA Ren Fest
OK, why are you NOT coming to Atlanta, GA?
-Phil Couch

Bob sez:
Because I've done it for 15 years and I need to move on, sperm breath. d.b.

Date: 03/14/02
Subject: Georgia Ren Fest
No Georgia Rennaisance(?) Festival on your schedule? Is it something we said? Is it something we've done? Are we being punished?
Your show is worth the price of admission - and the faire is not worth the price without you. (weeping & snivelling).
-D H Winn & friends

Bob sez:
You'll live. d.b.

Date: 03/14/02
Subject: show schedule
I don't see the Georgia Renaissance Festival on the schedule.... don't you love us anymore?

Bob sez:
An excellent performer: Zilch the torysteller, is replacing me. You'll love him. d.b.

Date: 03/14/02
Subject: Teen program
My name is Joan Murphy, and I am the Communtiy Resource Coordinator for the Jefferson county Health Department. I do a lot of outreach and education with teens in our county. I attended one of your shows at the Festival in Arizona last year. It was a great show and during your performance, a thought came to me about your material. Some of it would be very appropriate for giving anti smoking messages. Teens would really tune into your presentation through your humor.
Each year, I help organize a county-wide health education day for high school students. In the past, we have had Addison Steele, rock musician, and others to do presentations. The teens have been very receptive to these types of shows. I don't know if any of this sounds interesting to you and what your position is on smoking. I gathered that you, or rather ded bob, is against smoking. This would be a great forum to get the message out to teens.
Have you ever considered doing anything with the smoking/drug issues on a local level. I would greatly appreciate having some dialgue in regards to what role you might be interested in. I could pursue seeking funding through grants to compile a personal appearance or better yet a video.
I hope to hear from you about this proposition. You may email me at the above address.
Thank you for your time and I will wait to hear from you.
-Joan Murphy

Bob sez:
Thanks for your interest, but I have rarely done BOB successfully outside the renaissance circuit. I'm only in AZ during February and March anyway.
As for the anti-smoking part, yes, I am a tyranical anti-smoker and one thing I have learned is the single best way to encourage kids to smoke is to tell them not to smoke. d.b.

Date: 03/01/02
Subject: Ded Bob @ Sterling Forest
To Ded Bob and his manservant, smuj:
I am Blackwolf the Dragonmaster, Duke of Talisker --- New York City's first and only Unofficial Wizard! I am quite pleased that the goodlies at mine dear home faire, the New York Renaissance Faire Sterling Forest, have finally booked you to spend some time with Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth I, and the rest of her Royal Family and Friends in the Shire of Sterling!
As for myself, I have returned your site to its proper place among Blackwolf's Favorite Faire Performers (that's in me Links segment, mind you!) because I have a particular bone to pick with the both of you. Your links page features a link to one of your Georgia Renaissance Festival colleagues, one Ik the Troll by name. I have tried in vain to locate his webpage; and I cannot get any particular information re his whereabouts from the Fairburn crew. Now, when someone like Ded Bob tells me that this Ik fellow is, in your words, "sooooooo cute --- and funny dammit," I am inclined to believe ye.
Alas, what point is there in believing how cute (and funny dammit) Ik is without so much as linking to him? I fear, dear Ded Bob, that I am being given a runaround --- and, since I'm a Wizard, you know that we Magic-users don't take too kindly to being given the said runaround.
That said, please tell me if Ik the Troll is indeed reachable online. If so, I shall link to his site posthaste; otherwise, do tell Ik to fix up his bloomin' link, already!
Again, we look forward to your visit to the Shire of Sterling; and we encounter each other, I do indeed hope to experience being Bobmotized.
More news as soon as I can deal with it. Anon!
Fearlessly yours,
-Blackwolf the Dragonmaster, Duke of Talisker, ("New York City's Unofficial Wizard")

Bob sez:
Yo, wizzy
first off, i hope you ain't mistaking my appearance at the New York Ren Fest with the upstate fair in Sterling. i understand they are often confused with each other. as far as ik i don't know what to tell you, try asking the georgia festival people, their website is linked from mine. d.b.

Date: 02/27/02
Subject: Hi!
Just read that you're coming to Sterling Ran Faire. Smuj better get in shape for carrying Bob's Ded Bones up and down the hills. Just talked to Jerry at mypromostore.com and ordered one of everything. Can't wait to welcome you to NY!!!

Bob sez:
Thanks Alice,
I hope you're not confusing the Tuxedo faire with the Sterling faire. I don't remember any hills in Tuxedo. d.b.

Date: 02/26/02
Subject: Say it isnt so!
~cries~ Please try to come to the GA Faire!. Ive been watching you for years and years, and you're the main reason I even go to it! Last year I finally got to take a pic with you cause you didnt disappear so fast and now this year you wont be here :( I may be moving to California so I was hoping to get to see me some Ded Bob before i leave. ~frowns~ You just took the heart of the Ga Faire away with you when you left. It wont be the same until you return. Love you Bob
~Felicia, loyal Bob Zombie

Bob sez:
Thank you for your nice words. Alas, all things must change. Have fun in CA. go see the festival there especially my friends Sean and Dave. d.b.

Date: 02/26/02
Subject: Stay in AZ!
Whats this? You are retiring from Ren Fests? Say it isn't so oh glorious DB!! NO NO NO! You are one of the only to tickle my funny bone (and I do love it when you touch me there!)! Whatever you do, PLEASE do not quit the Ren Fests all together! (at least not Phoenix, to hell with the rest of them). Saw you AGAIN (for the 3rd time this year, I am obsessed) and I can't get enough. Met Smuj's girlfriend last year, a real looker! How did he ever snag her? Love you to death Ded Bob!

Bob sez:
I'm negotiating a new contract with the AZ fesival next week so I invite any who read this to call the faire and tell them you won't return unless Bob is back. d.b.

Date: 02/18/02
Subject: T-shirts!
My wife and I are avid fans from Georgia. We have been bob-mo-tized several times each. It really saddened us to hear that you weren't coming to Georgia this year. However, to get my wife's spirits up, I was gonna get her a Ded Bob t-shirt. But what's this? You no longer sell them?!?! ARG!
We would make our own but we have the artistic ability of snow ploughs. Do you have any left lying around? Or do you have an e-mail of one of your Bob-sanctioned gear sellers? I need a Bob fix!
Thanks for your time and you are the best!

Bob sez:
You might be able to order one from: http://www.mypromostore.com d.b.

Date: 02/22/02
If I find a place that does custom printing may I use a picture off of your website? Pulleeese?!?!?!
Oh, and thank you very much for the suggestion.

Bob sez:
Knock yourself out, but if you sell any, I get 50%. d.b.

Date: 02/19/02
Subject: Ded Bob Hats
I am inquiring about Ded Bob Hats. It seems mine has given up the ghost. I wore it until the stitching came loose. Now I desire a new one. Do you happen to have any? If so I would like 4-6 if possible. Thank you.
-Jason Gartland

Bob sez:
Sorry, no hats. d.b.

Date: 02/22/02
Damn you Ded Bob! We want hats.
-Jason Gartland

Bob sez:
So, make a freakin hat! How hard can it be? d.b.

Date: 02/21/02
Subject: Say it ain't so!
Oh please please please come back to Georgia. We go to the faire multiple times each year. And when we go without the kids we *always* catch your show "at least" once usually twice when we're there without kids. Your Georgia fans really really want you to come back.
-Suzi, Hopping mad in Georgia

Bob sez:
The problem is, that even though I don't have a life, smuj does. I realize one would never suspect, but smuj has a house and a girlfriend and everything. Don't fret, I've recently discovered that my replacement will be "Zilch the Torysteller" returning to Georgia after nearly 8 or so years! d.b.

Date: 02/18/02
Subject: Love ya
As always, a laugh and a smile. What does that chick know about comedy who dares to complain about the material! Keep it up dead guy and keep up the bone! Your next stop, Letterman or Leno??
Love ya!
- Jenna

Bob sez:
from your keyboard to fans cerebral cortex. d.b.

Date: 02/16/02
Subject: biggest fan
ok my name is Sarah and i am the biggest Ded Bob fan ever it is the funniest thing ive ever seen i just really wanted you two to know that
- Sarah

Bob sez:
My BIGGEST FAN!? just how big are you? and who is this "Messy Jane"? I like messy girls. d.b.

Date: 02/15/02
Subject: Schedule
Hey Bob,
How come you are not coming to Atlanta this year?
- Graham Crump

Bob sez:
I'm semi-retiring from the renaissance circuit. No need to fret, my replacement is "Zilch the Torysteller" He's dys-speksic. d.b.

Date: 02/13/02
Subject: AZ Ren Fest
Whats with the SAME material this year??? dude,, take a few months off and write a new show.
- April

Bob sez:
This is vaudeville, the show is done over and over till it is perfect (which it is) then, it doesn't change, it evolves. If you're sick of it, don't come anymore. d.b.

Date: 02/12/02
Subject: You will be missed!
Bob and Smuj,
I am a long time Georgia fan and I am terribly disappointed that we won't be seeing you this year. It just won't be the same without you! I checked your schedule to find an event somewhere in the drivable area of me, and there isn't one........boo, hoo, hoo. Well, you know you'll be missed. Maybe it was the lousy tipping folks taking up the good seats? I know the schedule must be grueling, and since you are over a thousand years old you're probably getting tired. Best of luck to you, and maybe we'll see you again.
Good marrow!
- Lori Martin

Bob sez:
Thanks for your letter. Maybe I'll be back in Georgia one day, one never knows. d.b.

Date: 02/11/02
Subject: Future Prospects
Dear Bob,
Do you have any sage advice for an aspiring embalmer. I wish to study the craft and one day take care of the dead. Hoping to see you at the AZ REN FESTIVAL!
- Aja Calhoun

Bob sez:
[serious answer]
embalming dead things is the stupidest, most unnecessary and overpriced scummy occupation I can imagine. Stop it. d.b.
[fun answer]
Yo, embalm dis!!! d.b.

Date: 02/11/02
Subject: Zombies waiting in MN
Bob and Smuj,
I am a Princess at the MN Renaissance Festival. WE NEED BOB!!!!!! We have hundreds of thousands of potential Bob-Zombies waiting here with antici.......pation. I see that you are tentatively booked at MI RenFest. Any way we can woo you away to the Northland, where the women are astoundingly beautiful? I have attached a picture to tempt you.....
Please rescue us Bob!!!!!
- A Princess

Bob sez:
first off, nice yabbos.
I am spending August at the New York Renaissance Festival this year and then spending Sept. in Michigan. If the New York festival goes well, I am hoping to never do another Jim Peterson festival again as I think he is neglecting his festivals [MN,MI,KC, and Largo] into bankruptcy. If you've been doing MN, you probably know what I'm talking about. d.b.

Date: 02/10/02
Subject: I humbly owe ded bob $3.00
Dear bonehead,
Having enjoyed your show last Saturday, I must confess that I owe you $3.00 based upon your promise that I would get laid if I donated $5.00. Well, your show put my lady in such a good mood, that after dinner she tore into me like a woman possessed. I am humbly indebted to you. Please send a PO box or cemetery address where I can settle my debt.
- Fritz Ehorn

Bob sez:
In leiu of the $3.00 how about sending the randy wench by for a spin? d.b.

Date: 02/07/02
Subject: Rebecca sent you a greeting
Will you be my valentine? I love you ded bob hope to see you soon
- Rebecca

Bob sez:
I'd love to be your valentine. Just send a check for $19.95 to:
Ded Bob
1234 fake address road
pseudotown, new state

Date: 01/24/02
Subject: bad mother
Hi. Just wanted to say that my daughter and I are looking forward to seeing you in Michigan this summer. My daughter is only 8 and just loves your show. Yes, I know it's not for kids. I just tell her she's a wierd kid, but yes I am too. If you have the time could you take a second to e-mail her? thanks
- Lorie

Bob sez (to Lorie's kid):
Lorie's kid,
Your mother is destroying what little innocence you may have left. I suggest you make arrangements for some type of foster care or maybe a paternal grandparent...and hurry.

Date: Monday, January 21, 2002
Subject: audience response
Dearest Bob... and smuj
First of all I love the show, especially the songs! But i was wondering if the response to "HEY AUDIENCE!" is "HEY BOB" OR"HEY WHAT?" OR "HEY I DONT REALLY CARE I JUST WANT A BEER". I would really appreciate it if you got back to me on this. Thanx!
PS see u in phoenix!
- Bailey Shea

Bob sez:
The response is:


[and thanks for asking because so many zombies get it wrong - d.b.]

Date: Sunday, January 20, 2002
Subject: t-shirts
HI!!! I doubt you remember me but my mom and I attended your show at the AZ Ren. last year in 2001. We were the ones that made our own shirts and accidently spelled your name wrong (I still feel REALLY bad about that!)....
ANYWAYS..I remember that you once a shirt which was "The Moods of Bob". Do you still have that? I totally want one!
I love your show. In fact we just moved to Florida in December but am planning to fly out to visit family (at least that's what we're telling everyone. The truth is we're coming to see you!!!).
YOU ROCK and should run for mayor!
- Miss Tiffany Lloyd

Bob sez:
Miss Tiffany,
I'm fairly sure the shirt and the bone head you crave will be available during your visit to AZ. About the mayor thing......where? d.b.

Date: Saturday, January 12, 2002
Subject: Ded Bob appearance
I was driving my way back from work yesterday, and I saw a sign on 12 Mile. Ded Bob Friday and Saturday. I was instantly Bob-nitized. What time will Ded Bob appear so that I might commence the veritable shower of green towards Ded Bob without wasting as much of that green on such non-consiquentials as food, drink and shelter? Will Ded Bob perchance appear next week?
- David Campbell

Bob sez:
Do NOT Attend,
they are imposters! Actually, do attend and then mail me a review. d.b.

Date: Thursday, January 10, 2002
Subject: Hey Bob!
Hey there!
First of all, let me say that you are one of the coolest dead guys I know (tied with John Lennon and J.R.R. Tolkein). I cought your show at the Texas Rennesance Festival on opening day, back in October. Yeah, I know, that was a long time ago. You didn't pick me to go up on stage, so you probably don't remember me... but I was the chick in the torn black and red dress (with low front, hehe) and black wings. Anyway, loved the show, especially the part where you yelled "SIT DOWN YOU FOOL!" at the guy in the jester's hat, standing in the aisle. Hope to catch it again next year, I'll probably wear the same costume, so if you see and evil looking faerie, PICK ME!
Love ya! Bye!
~Carly (aka Thorin the Dark Faerie, at least at ren fest.)

Bob sez:
If you send a picture of your naughty faerie outfit I'll post it. d.b.

Date: Thursday, January 10, 2002
Subject: Arizona and Tshirts
Dear Ded Bob and Smuj,
How are you? I am fine! OK, now that we got that out of the way. I am ssssooo looking forward to seeing you both again here in Arizona at the feast!!!
I'm sorry to hear that you will not be selling your t-shirt, as I am one of those poor lost souls that collect them! I guess I will make my own this year and every year after that until sssooo many people complain to you that you MAY bring them back!!!! if you like!!!
I still will always and forever be a dedicated Ded Bob fan regardless of the t-shirt!!!
Hope all has been well for the both of you. See you in a few weeks!!!
- Me

Bob sez:
Dear Me,
I am sssoooo looking forward to seeing your t-shirt design!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Actually, shirts will still be available in Arizona. d.b.

Date: Wednesday, January 09, 2002
Subject: Michigan 2001 festival
Hey Ded Bob,
I don't know if you remember me or not because I know that you come in contact with many people on your travels. I had the Honor of interpreting for your show at the Michigan Ren Fest. I just had to write and tell you what fun you are to work with. I appreciated being able to work with you to make your show accessible to the deaf population. I hope that I will have the privilege of working with you in future years in Michigan.
Oh yeah, I am prepared for next year. I have learned what antidisestablishmentarianism means and now I don't have to fingerspell it. LOL Either that or you are going to have to come up with another long hairy word that I don't quite know the meaning of.
Again, I have to say, out of all 6 performances that I interpreted that day, I enjoyed doing yours the most! I love ya bob and smudj is pretty awesome too!
- Jeni

Bob sez:
perhaps it's too late to remind you that these e-mails are public and of course too late to reconsider your declaration of "love". Of course, as my lover, I am already imagining some wicked uses for those dextrous hands of yours. Let's get started right away, how's week Thurs.? d.b.

Date: 01/07/02
Subject: To my Darling, Bob . . .
Dearest Bob . . .
How do I love thee?? Let me rest mine head on thy shoulder and I shall tell thee: Thou art my pride & joy. Thou art my one-and-only. Thou mayst be ded, yet I continue to love thee!!!!!! With that, I grant thee many wet kisses . . .
- Lady Mary W

Bob sez:
bring em on girlie!

Date: Saturday, January 05, 2002
Subject: a dead song!
This is partially taken from a Mother Goose and Grimm Cartoon i saw years ago, but I kinda embellised on it, however it isnt finished yet either, maybe you can think of something to finish it off with.... It goes to the tune of the Mr. Ed TV show....
Kinda something like this...

Oh, a Corpse is a Corpse of Course of Course,
And no one can talk to a Corpse of Course,
That is of course, Unless the Corpse is the Famous Mr. Dead!

Now go right to the Corpse......
I cant think of a proper finish, but maybe you or someone else can.....

Hope to see you at the Arizona Ren Fair!
- Thomas Jaster

Bob sez:
even now a team of experts is analyzing your submission of a new song for the sho, considering the demographics, and coagulating with experts. rest assured that your creativity will not go un-heeded.
thank you for your submission and keep coming to the sho. sincerely, d.b.

Date: Saturday, January 05, 2002
Subject: What? No Georgia Ren. Fest. 2002???
While checking the dates for my annual pilgrimage to see Ded Bob at the Georgia Renaissance Festival, I was aghast and otherwise shocked and appalled that Ded Bob was not listed among the entertainment for same.
What's up with that?
I had the horror, uh, I mean pleasure of portraying Sweet Mary Oatblossom in the Ded Bob storytime theatre once, and have dragged family and friends to the show regularly ever since. You know, once you've been bonked by Ded Bob...
I live in Alabama and my only true hope of seeing the Ded Bob show is in Georgia. Just wanted to let you know that I hope you make it to the Ga. Ren. Fest., if not you will be sorely missed.
Thanks for all the laughs.
- Jenny Honeycutt, Ded Bob Zombie

Bob sez:
Jenny, seriously, really, seriously,
This was a very dificult decision, be assured it did not come easily.
Please continue to support the faire and just think, with the money they were paying me, they can afford two new acts. sincerely, d.b.

Date: Monday, December 10, 2001
Subject: New Song
Ok I made up a new verse to your Barney Songs Its about BJ. Ok Here It Goes

BJ Hey hey Hey
It Was'nt His Lucky Day
His Eyes Popped Out And His Tongue Rolled Up
It Was Time For Him To Shut UP !

I Tried to to you this at TRF but to many people crowded You. By the way Your Show is Great.
- Kevin Miller

Bob sez:
Dear Kevin,
even now a team of experts is analyzing your submission of a new lyric to, "the barney song" and considering the demographics. rest assured that your creativity will not go un-heeded.
thank you for your submission and keep coming to the sho. sincerely, d.b.

Date: Tuesday, December 04, 2001
Subject: Faithful Zombie
Dearest Bob,
Well here I am e-mailing my most favorite friend/showman just because you are the absolutely very best show at Hollygrove, MI. You probably have no idea who I am since we only met briefly in Holly but I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!
-carla, a/k/a "the mater babe"

Bob sez:
Dear Faithful,
Carla, quite obviously your are a woman with impeccable taste. I will never forget you...ever...until I do.

Date: 12/05/01
Subject: Ded Bob Video
Hi there!
I'm out here on the internet "stompin' the pavement" trying to recruit puppeteers to submit video pieces to my new website. For more information, please visit www.puppetforge.com and click on the "submissions" button. I currently have only two pieces up, but it would be GREAT to add yours to the list!
Thanks for stoppin' by!
-Gordon Smuder, Head Puppetsmith/Puppet Forge

Bob sez:
Believe it or not, I have no video of myself in action. I have had some video done, but I didn't like it and I don't know where it is. If anyone reading this has some video, send it to me at:
the ded bob sho
P.O. box 354
Plantersville, TX
I'll see if it's worthy of public scrutiny and pass it on.

Date: 11/30/01
Subject: Tshirts
Hey Smuj,
Around Halloween time I was shopping at Reinke Brothers in Denver and one of the magicians there saw my Ded Bob t-shirt. He claimed that you work there during the off-season. Is this true?
P.S. I'm totally bummed that you are no longer selling t-shirts. On the other hand, I guess the ones I have will now become extremely valuable collector's items. Look out E-Bay. (yea, right)
Your devoted fan,
- Bob

Bob sez:
You are correct, your shirt will be valuable...after I'm dead.

Date: 11/25/01
Subject: Bone to pick
I have a bone to pick with you!
What about us dead heds, Bob? Will you be at the Bristol faire (WI) this year? Please, let me know!
Hope this letter finds you well, Ded!
Anyhollow, you rot!
- Thomas Du Sille

Bob sez:
Correction, I was done rotting around 1000 years ago.

Date: 11/25/01
Subject: HEY
HEY DedBob (and Smuj) !!!
I hope you happen to make it home between your travels to receive this email. Why don't you get a laptop computer to take with you...oh yeah...you don't have a lap!!!
Anyway...I'll stop trying to dazzle you with my wondrous wit and humor and cut straight to the chase (or is it "cut to the cheese"? I can never remember)...
My daughter saw your show for the first time at the Texas Renaissance Festival last Fall and she absolutely loved you...she even liked Smuj a little. She was so disappointed that you didn't choose her to be "Bob-mo-tized". She is having her wedding at the Texas RenFest on Saturday October 20, 2001 at 2:30 p.m. The Reception is going to be in the German Arbor from 3:00 - 4:30 p.m. She would be absolutely thrilled if you could possibly stop by the reception and say hello. By the way....she does NOT know I am inviting you to come by the reception so it would be a wonderful surprise for her wedding day if you can possibly do it. Also, there will be refreshments aplenty of which you may partake, and you can kiss the bride (and all the other women that you can corner).
I know you're very busy and we'll understand if you don't receive this email in time...in which case I will just physically accost you at the Festival on the day of the wedding. If it's possible for you to stop by the reception, it would make her day extra special.
Thanks for your time and consideration. Oh yeah...in case I forgot to tell you...Smuj is invited too.
We remain, Your devoted fans,
- Judy Hoff and daughter, Jessica

Bob sez:
Bob would like to inform all that although he did eventually show up, he was unfashionably 'Late'.

Date: 11/25/01
Subject: loved your performance
Dear Ded Bob,
Have loved your performances for many years. Please return to the Georgia Renfest next spring. I need to update my score card on who is the bigger attreaction.( That is my word for combined audience attraction and performer reaction.)...Is it Ded Bob or Broon? So far the score card runs thusly:

Broon has hunky meat on his bones SCORE 1.
Ded Bob will never have a beer belly. SCORE 1.
Broon's eyes are as blue as mystical winds. SCORE 2.
Ded Bob's eyes reveal real DEPTH of character (and are windy too). SCORE 2. Broon kisses guys. SCORE 1 (for nerve).
Bob, happily, kisses only women On more than one body part! SCORE 2 (for nerve and creativity).
Broon can swallow fire. SCORE 1.
Bob can't even swallow a jalapeno chip. SCORE 0.
Broon starts early with his shows. SCORE 2.
Bob sometimes doesn't start show until 2 weeks after faire opening. (Are you a LATE riser, Bob? I appreciate early shows, for the heat of the latter hours leaves me burned out.) SCORE 1.
Broon is extremely witty. SCORE 3.
Bob is extremely witty AND WRITES LYRICS! SCORE 4.
Broon has a cool t-shirt. SCORE 2.
Bob has a cool t-shirt, but it costs more. SCORE 1

All right. I'm going to scratch that comparison on swallowing fire and hot chips, partly because I know you have a BLAZE for LAYS, dear Bob. Add up the score. Broon: 11. Ded Bob: 11.
Broon at responding to emails. Currently, SCORE 0.
Ded Bob at responding to emails: That's up to you, hon.

Thanks for the fun. Three tiny questions and I am done:
Do you drink Ded Guy ale?
What kind of fudge is your favorite, Smuj?
What strikes your own funny bone the hardest?

- Laughter, Light and Love, Deb

Bob sez:
Broon!!!!! Your comparing me to that puny hack?! If he wasn't a dear friend, I'd let you know some details about his secret life dressing as a French Maid for Shriner's Conventions.
P.S. For the first time in 14 or so years, I will not be returning to the Georgia Festival this year. I was a very difficult decision...and who knows... I may be back one day. Honestly, thanks for many years of support.

Date: 11/25/01
Subject: Loved your show
Dear Ded Bob,
We just got home from the Texas Rennesaince Festival and LOVED your show! This was my first year attending and we will be going from now on every year if you will be there. I told my family about you and they found your web site and now are fans, even though they have never seen you perform. We are fans for life! (pardon the pun)
You might have noticed us at opening weekend--Bill was wearing a Jester's hat and we were sitting behind the "cleavage girl" in the black dress you picked to go on stage. On second thought, you may not have noticed us.
- Love, Amy and Bill Smith (yes, that IS our real names)

Bob sez:
Smiths, (as if that's your real names) of course I remember...I never forget a cleavage.

Subject: You changed your act
Dear Ded Bob & Smuj,
Omigosh! You changed your act! I loved it, as always!! No, you don't know me, and no, I have not been lucky enough to have been a stage zombie... but I sure am one of those that enjoy the heck out of your show.
Oh, by the way, I catch the show in Holly, MI. I saw the last Saturday show of the Michigan Rennaisance Festival. Bob, uh, may I call you Bob? Anyhow, I usually go with my daughters, but they were busy. My husband was hunting, so I brought with me, someone that had never been to the Faire before. I work with him, and he loved the Festival, but most memorable was your show.
The ale flowed, the laughter hearty, and yes, we hit the zombies bag a couple of times. You're definitely worth it.
Continued success, and we'll see you next year!! Oh, and Happy Halloween!!
- Love, as always, gayle - Swt

Bob sez:
Many thanks for your kind words, but I am curious about "...changed your act!". I did? That's news to me.
P.S... Swt?

Date: 11/25/01
Subject: love your show
Dear Bob and Smuj,
I just love your show!! i saw it yesterday and i loved it!! Where do you come up with lyrics for your songs? Do you take them from personel experiecnes? or do u just make them up as you go?
- Julia

Bob sez:
It's all invented in the moment, recorded, played back fresh and lip sync'd for each new audience.

Date: 11/25/01
Subject: show last sunday
Hey! *s* i was in your show last sunday (i got to be zombie number 1, yay!!) i just wanted to let you know that i really enjoy your show, and it was great to get to be in it....all day i had people coming up to me, and saying stuff about it. Anyway, just thought i'd stop by the site, and say hi, and let you know i had a good time.....

p.s. dad woulda killed me *evil grin*
- Minda-chan, Anime no Kami, Vanquisher of yuppies

Bob sez:
Any vanquisher of yuppies is yum squishy in my book.

Date: 11/25/01
Subject: president of the world
hey bob! you should be president of the world!
- Mark Phipps

Bob sez:
I am.

From Mark:
That's so cool Bob! I'd like to be your royal stooge!

Date: 11/25/01
Subject: Quick question
The photos of you have a different looking smuj in many of them. (Different outfit at least) Since smuj isn't seen, is he always the same guy? Just suspecting a franchise of hundreds of trained smujs out there earning you lucre! Just wondering.
Actually this is based on the fact that the guy behind us at the TRF said he had seen Ded Bob in Phoenix? and that Smuj looked smaller in Texas.
Any Comments?
- Cheney Coker

Bob sez:
There are 23 smuj's that I keep in dry storage and rotate out on a monthly basis...however, there's only one me.

Subject: u have been bob-mo-tized
hi bob
hi, i saw u u yesterday at the texas renaissance festival(11/6/99) i hope u liked the candy i gave you. but i didn't have any money tell smuji hi for me. sorry but have to go break up w/ my boyfriend now so have as much sex as u want to.
- love courtney

Bob sez:
I feel for him...any more candy?

Date: 11/26/01
Subject: Hugs from Michigan
My name is Melanie. I was there every weekend and the date in question was September 30th.. The very last show in fact. I came forward with a few of the other "rennies" . You did the face in the chest routine while my Mom watched. I just wanted to say Hi and I loved the shows. The part about owing me was just a smart remark. My whole family thinks you are awesome and we hope you'll be at HollyGrove next year.
Stay safe, stay funny and keep singing---Yes I have been 'Bobmotized'
P.S.-I am over 18 so don't think my Mom is upset. Hugs from Michigan
- Melanie Bregan

Bob sez:
If your Mother is upset...send her to me.

Date: 11/25/01
Subject: Ded Bob Tshirt
I live in Colorado. I attend the festival every summer with my family. My nephew knows just about every line in your show. It's his favorite. I am writing because he fell off our roof Friday. He is doing great, but is still at Children's Hospital. Unfortunately, the Paramedics cut his Dead Bob shirt and it wasn't repairable cuts. It's the shirt that has "Look into my eye sockets" on the front with the skull and has "The Dead Bob Show" on the back. Is there any way we can get one of these to replace the other one? He will be 13 in February and wears a large size shirt. Please let me if this is possible and at what cost (which is no matter to me). If it is possible, I would like to have it shipped quickly. Thank you for any assistance that you can be.
- Michelle Campbell

I apologize for the time that it has taken for me to let you know that I did receive the shirt. I have been out of town. My mother was supposed to give him the shirt, but she thought it would be better coming from me so he hasn't received it yet. I hope to see him tomorrow and give him his shirt. I wasn't here for Thanskgiving, but Richard did come over to spend time with his Grandparents. It was the first time he was out here since the accident. From what I've heard he was a little afraid. He was given space though so that he didn't have to entertain the younger children. Once again I want to say THANK YOU VERY MUCH for everything that you have done. I hope that we will see you this summer. I will let you know what his response is when he gets his shirt.
- Michelle Campbell

Bob sez:
Dear M - Tell Richard to wear it till it drops...or he does.

Date: Saturday, November 24, 2001
Subject: faithful zombie follower
I watched your show at the michigan fest every weekend.you kick ass {smuj is ok}. i gave ya 5$ and didnt get laid!!!!! you owe me next year.
- The Coin Wenche

Bob sez:
Wenche, I didn't say when.

Wanna email Ded Bob? He'll get back to you as soon as humanly possible. If you're lucky, maybe even sooner.

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