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Ded Letter Office
Letters from 2003

Date: 12/15/03
Subject: WE <3 YOU! (that's a heart right there)
Hi. I'm the Anonymos Ethereal Psycho. I went to the TX RennFest in early November and absolutely loved your Sho! I've been BOBMOTIZED...... and am so much happier! Just wanted to let you know you gained at least six more fans on Nov. 2, 2003 (that's not counting all my other personalities).

Bob sez:
Why thankee.
Appreciate it.
You're too kind.
Bless you.
Thank you, so much.
Right on sister!
There, that should cover all six of you. If there are any more, you'll have to use one of the above. d.b.

Date: 12/09/03
Subject: Truth, Consequences, and maybe a Bagel....
Dunno about the Bagel tho.. I was hungry =D I've been watching your show for years at the TRF Bob, and it's still as great as the first time I saw it. This year, I took a friend for the first time to see your show. The response was exactly as I expected for someone who has good taste (I licked her just to make sure... and yes.. the taste was good..)
Anyway, I digress... I'll have to agree with you on that last fan letter that you have to speak to the common voter in the language and terms that they'd most understand and are comfortable with. But as we know a bunch of screaming, gaseous vapors, and random cursing never solved anything... They just all make us feel better. I think we both suffer from the same allergic reaction... Stupid people... heh
I'll agree with some of your views, some not, and some I'll quote verbatim... but who cares? If everyone was the same, it'd be like a Brady Bunch reunion... That would truely be hell... Alright Bob... Keep on Keepin on.
-Matricii, Long time Ded Hed and Bob Zombie

Bob sez:
Thanks - two things:
1. Call your ballot place and bother them until they commit to paper trail voting machines. (http://www.blackboxvoting.org)

Date: 11/18/03
Subject: Politics Indeed
Ded Bob,
Things will never be good enough to make everyone happy. But I do remember eight years when things seemed to be the best in my life. They were just getting better when jr. showed up. No one can take personal credit as to why those eight years were so good for many. But if we could return to those days once again, I'd say blow jobs for all Chiefs of Staff! Can't wait to see you in AZ 2/7/04!!!
Stay Cool! (or cold)

Bob sez:
Right on brother Joe,
There are two things that scare me more than anything right now: The corporate control of the news and electronic voting machines. I urge anyone who reads this to get informed and VOTE.
I haven't voted since Jimmy Carter. If all of us who have been ignoring the system [for understandable reasons] voted, the exit polls might expose the corrupt voting machines for what they are.
Fight the fossil fuel military industrial complex, Joe. Here are two places to go to get informed: http://www.blackboxvoting.org
Thanks for your support,

Date: 11/17/03
Subject: Politics
I agree with your view of the Republican Party and the Bush administration. However, the way you present your argument is very juvenile and thus would fail to persuade anyone.

Bob sez:
You have to present your argument in a way that can be understood by the rank and file. It also has to be funny. The better point is that it is an inappropriate venue to present my views. However, in times like these when mainstream media [CNN, FOX, PBS]are lying by omission, desperate measures are necessary. But thanks for your input.

Date: 11/16/03
Subject: from a granny
Hey DB,
I saw the show this afternoon at RenFest and laughed my ass off. Thought I was hearing things when I heard you start dissing the adminstration (this is Montgomerey County, right?) - but then went to your site and you tell it like it is! - some of my fave linx there- Counterpunch, Palast, Truthout - and some I haven't seen. Thanks for telling da trooth!
-Granny from Austin

Bob sez:
Thanks Granny,
I am terrified of the way things are going in this country. If the terrorists in the white house weren't bad enough, the fascists on the religious right are taking over the courts. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If the retard puppet gets re-elected, I'm leaving.

Date: 11/12/03
Subject: U R the coolest!!!
Ded Bob, nobody made me laugh harder than u. Even my mom laughed, which like never happens. I went all the way from Austin to Houston to see ur show. I told every one about you at my school and they fell over laughing.
P.S.: I was BOBMOTIZED!!!!!
Your Biggest Fan,
-Muerto Tomas

Bob sez:
Yo, M.T.
Always good to hear from another Ded Hed. Keep on keeping on, and rage against the capitalist machine. d.b.

Date: 11/12/03
Subject: No longer a Ded Bob virgin!
Hi Ded Bob, I finally got to see what all the talk was about this past weekend at the Texas Renaissance Festival. I wandered into your show quite by chance, and I was mesmerized immediately by your eye sockets. They were the most glorious eye sockets I had ever seen, and right then and there, I was no longer a Ded Bob virgin. It's hard to describe the experience to others, but it was good for me, and I promise to come again and again.
Thanks for the great time!

Bob sez:
I love virgins, bring friends next time. d.b.

Date: 11/10/03
Subject: i've been bobmatized !
hey bob,
i saw your sho for the first time at the mich ren fest and LOOVED it and ever since that i have thought about you every waking moment and have devoted my life to promoting you and your awesome shows. hopefully bush will be out of office soon and when he is DED BOB FOR PRESIDENT and when you become prez i would like to put in my application to be part of your all woman cabinet :) so for now peace and love to you my true love

Bob sez:
currently the "Secretary of Special Sauce" post is till open. Good Luck, d.b.

Date: 10/21/03
Subject: I was Bob-mo-tized!
Heyyy Ded Bob! How are ya? Hope both you and Smuj are doing well. I just recently got to see The Ded Bob Sho at the Texas Renaissance Festival, and lemme tell ya, I had a blast! You are hilarious, had me laughing the whole time...Especially when you brought the Zombies up on stage. The skits were so funny-I'll never forget my Ded Bob experience. I just wanted you to know that my boyfriend and I will be fans for life, and we'll definitely come back and see ya soon! Good luck with everything!
-Ded Bob's Fave Girl-Liz

Bob sez:
I remember you distinctly. You had a blast, especially when I did the stuff and the thing with the people. See you next year and vote progressive. d.b.

Date: 10/21/03
Subject: Hey Bob!
Hey Bob! I saw you and Smuj for the first time at the Tex. Ren. Fest last Sat. and you were GREAT! This is my 2nd time to the Fest and didn't catch your show the first time. I went with two friends and we all agreed that YOU MADE THE REN FEST! You were the first show we saw and not one we saw after you could compare. They were good, but you ROCKED! I left with my sides sore from laughing. I'd vote for you! Thanks for the great time! By the way, I'd drive 8 hours again, just to see your show!

Bob sez:
Eight hours!? Cool, bring me a carton of Ben & Jerry's. d.b.

Date: 10/20/03
Subject: I miss you, DB
Dearest Bob,
I was smitten by you the first time I looked into your eye sockets. I started having erotic dreams about you soon after that. I continued to return to the MRF year after year for your sho. Then, when we shared that sloppy kiss at the Michigan Renaissance Festival years later, I knew I was going to need a lot of psychiactric help to get over you. Several years ago, I moved to northern Michigan, and have not made the trip back to Holly Grove. I've worn out your photograph... It's not enough that our kids look just like you. I miss seeing your face. On a wild-assed guess, I found your web site. I was elated. I needed a Ded Bob fix so badly. You won't remember me... I was just another buxom blonde zombie in the crowd. Until I have the chance to see you again, I remain a passionate fan (I wasn't kidding about the dreams!). You have a dedly hold on me. Bob Jr. sends his love.
A totally over the edge fan,
-Londa (a married, middle-aged wench whose heart will always belong to you--don't tell my husband)

Bob sez:
Don't sweat it. Dum dum already knows. He has the type of desparate resignation that every Bob widower has. As for your dreams, keep 'em coming, baby. I'm witchya. d.b.

Date: 10/17/03
Subject: Some praise for you *blows kiss*
Hey Bob!
I've been going to the TX Ren Faire for the last 4 years and I NEVER miss your show! You are the funniest guy (ded or alive) I've ever witnessed. Smuj is nice too, I guess. I await my turn as Mary or Fifi with baited breath and hope that someday you will be so captivated by me that I will get my chance. I loved this year's show (Bushies can go suck a sock!) and will surely vote for you when elections drop their slimy, Supreme Court tainted goo over the nation.
Until next year, I remain faithfully Bob-mo-tized,
-RMS-the Fickle Assassin (Robyn Smith)

Bob sez:
Thanks for your kind words. Keep tabs on my website for info on how to stop fascism. d.b.

Date: 10/16/03
Subject: ?
Hi db!
i got home and forgot rule #3. SORRY!!! can you bonk my memory back?
here's what i remember...
#1 Pay Attention
#2 Respond When Requested
#3 (I forgot!)
please help me!
your obedient, bobmotized zombie,

Bob sez:
Ironically, it is "respond only when requested", which you just did. Some zombie you are. d.b.

Date: 10/14/03
Subject: Excellent Show
I have not missed a Ded Bob Show yet; whenever we go to TexRen Fest. I have enjoyed you so much. This past weekend was terrific. My sides ached so much from laughing; Thank you so much keeping me in stitches.
-from a bob zombie: Connie

Bob sez:
I smell a lawsuit. I disavow any direct responsibility for your "sides" and your "stitches". I've dealt with frivolous law suits before. So don't think you can just threaten me and get away with it. When!? When will these attacks stop? I give all my money to charity, there's nothing left!!!!!! O.K. I give...what will it take to call off your attack dog lawyers and make this go away?
Shaking in my bones, d.b.

Date: 10/13/03
Subject: Just another damned fan letter...
OK, I'll admit it, I avoided you at the Texas RenFest for a few years. I figured any act that had THAT MANY PEOPLE raving about it must be some MOR crap designed to be just naughty enough to amuse the general public without really pushing any boundaries. I humbly confess my misconception and hereby dedicate myself and every erg of my remaining lifeforce (that not already drained by hard living and mass Twinkie consumption) to the further glorification of Ded Bob and the Bobmotization of the entire known universe.
See the attached pic to see me and my very own Bob Totem Staff, created before I'd experienced the wonder of Bob hisownselvis. I'll be back the last weekend of the Tex RenFest for further Bobmotization!
-J. Scott Wilson (aka Mongo)

Bob sez:
Your lethargy in coming to Bob will be overlooked until you perform your acts of contrition. For now, you must seek out new subjects for indoctrination and bring them to enlightenment. When you have reached the state of true devotion, you will be ordained, dressed and eaten.
Till then, d.b.

Date: 10/12/03
Subject: my ass
caught the act at the tx ren fest yesterday. second year in a row. AWESOME . Laughed my ass off . kep it up
-Robert Vaughn

Bob sez:
Sorry about your ass. d.b.

Date: 10/12/03
Subject: HI!
I went to the festival today! You and smuj were great! Yall always are. Yall, I think are the most funny and amusing show there! We come there every year. Its the best. I also went to your site, that is where I got your emial address. I hope you email me back.
Love your big fan,

Bob sez:
Thanks, Yall. d.b.

Date: 10/12/03
Subject: Ded bob
come to california or I'll..I'll...do something, and you'll find it unpleasant, or somethin'. get over here dedhead!
-Bobo III

Bob sez:
Yeah?! what'll you do? You got somethin? bring it on meat stick. d.b.

Date: 10/12/03
Subject: dude!!
dude!! youre *expletive here* awesome!! i've seen your show down in texas for a few years now and it never fails to make me laugh like no other. you've picked on me the past few times--once for "pubescing nicely", another you called me "pencil head" because i was wearing a bright blue princess hat (and i called you bonehead, you called me buttface, i called you stick for a dick...) and this year (I'm 16 now) you made fun of me wearing all black. bite me. i like black. anyway, man you're so funny, i don't know how you manage to be that hilarious but keep it up.
~~Queen Goth Benny :D

Bob sez:
Don't worry about the black thing. Smuj used to wear bellbottom hip huggers!! d.b.

Date: 10/11/03
Subject: to you and all your deadness
Dear bob,
this was my first time at the tx ren faire and i had a blast of course i always heard ren faire but everytime i did your name came up atleast 10s more then the ren faire title so i had to stop in and see what it was all about. it was the funniest thing at the faire. I enjoyed it a whole lot, and btw just wanted to let you know i fullfilled every part of the oath and you are right i did get laid(he said in a knowing tone wink wink). hope to catch another of your shows soon. later.

Bob sez:
Take note, all ye doubters of Bob. d.b.

Date: 10/10/03
Subject: Long time Zombie
Hey Bob,
I got a question to ask, but I thought I would give you some background on my Zombie status. I was introduced to your eye sockets some 8-odd years ago, (guessing the time here) in Phoenix. From that point I was an annual visitor to the Ren Fest to see the main man, Smuj. J/K. Well, after a long internet love affair I met a woman in Michigan, moved north and later that next year (yes, I missed a show) I heard about the Mich. Ren. Fest. and I had to take her and her two children to it, who have never even trick or treated, let alone been to a ren fest due to their pathetic, anal retentive 'turn-key' father. Well, I am babbling, I saw you were there and insisted rather strenuously that they see the show. Sence then I have been introducing my Mid-Michigan area friends and the kids friends to the Ded Bob show. Hell, I even pay for it if I need to just to get these kids some culture...and a good sense of 'the mainstream is not the only stream in the river'. As a self-proclaimed and solitary practicing Druid, and a local H.S. Football coach, I have the opportunity to warp and bend the minds of the local youths to be more open and to accept thy fellow man.
Anywho, I am a loyal Bob-Zombie and I wanted to tell you to keep the word alive, your show is comical and beautiful and I truly appreciate your tones of 'screw the media and the man and just love thy neighbor'.
Well, down to the question, I play a game called Neverwinter Nights based on the Dungeons and Dragons game engine, and I am toying with the idea of writing a module for the game (not for profit) and I would like to ask if I could include your likeness and some of your gems in this game. Even if you decline, I understand and I want you to know you have a fan for life, me and my 'under-reform' conservative family. Peace, love, and Ded Bob for President.

Bob sez:
Thanks and Go For It. d.b.

Date: 10/06/03
Subject: Another great show
Dear Bob,
A friend of mine just sent my the URL to your site, and I was shocked that I didn't know about it. We, my boyfriend and I, saw your show at the Mich Ren Fest a few weeks back, making it the 5th year we've come back for more punishment. The first year I saw you, I was sitting on the end of a bench and you passed me singing the line, "I've got one 10 inches long..." I must have blushed from my ears to my toes. And you noticed! Called out to the audience that I woke up there. I will never forget that. Love the show, etc. I'm sure get you enough of that. I would like to know if you are ever going to do something nice for smuj. Having my own dummy (my boyfriend, just in case you were wondering), I know that for true obedience, you need to show a little kindness. Take care and we'll see you again next year.
-Kira Rivanian

Bob sez:
Do something nice for smuj? How about a high five figure yearly income?! d.b.

Date: 09/30/03
Subject: Zombie#3
Hi Ded Bob and Smuj,
You probably don't remember me, but you picked me to be Zombie#3 at your 3:30 show on the last day of the Michigan Renaissance Festival. I just wanted to say thank you and I had a really good time on stage with you. It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. Ded Bob your so cute. Again thank you, and see you next year.
-Kellie Speciale (aka Zombie#3)

Bob sez:
Glad you enjoyed it. Send a picture, I'm thinking of adding a Zombie Hall Of Fame page to the website. [make it yummy] d.b.

Date: 09/28/03
Subject: What Up Bob?
Bob you rock!! I absolutely loved your performance and look forward to seeing it again at my next opportunity. But I heard from a friend of mine that you would be banned from the Michigan Ren. Fen. after you fufill your contract due to some issue with an audience member. Say it ain't so!!! What's the deal, is it true? I look forawrd to hearing from you when you have the time. Once again, YOU ROCK!!!

Bob sez:
WRONG!! d.b.

Date: 09/25/03
Subject: Hey Bob!
Dear Ded Bob and Smuj,
I caught your show for the first time at the Mich Ren. fen. a few weeks ago. I have never laughed so hard in my entier life. My boyfriend has been raving about you for as long as I've known him, and i must say, he was right. He e-mailed you awhile ago, and he thought it was the coolest thing when you responded. Thankx for the laughs, Bob and Smuj!
~Loyal fan and Bobmotized

Bob sez:
Dear Loyal,
Your "boyfriend" as you call him cares nothing for you if he's not yet sent you to me for..."training". I have a spot open next spring if you want to go over his head. d.b.

Date: 09/22/03
Subject: HEY BOB !!!!!

Bob sez:
Funk man, 9 kids!!! Man, that is just wrong. I hope they're all funky. d.b.

Date: 09/21/03
Subject: Resume
I'm an anonymous English professor at an anonymous community college in Michigan who requires his literature students to attend your show. I've promised if any of them become a Bob Zombie they get an "A" for the course. We'll be there for the noon show on September 27, so try to say something intelligent. . .and literary, please!
I would also like to say that after my first Bobmotization many years ago, my stamina increased, my hair grew back (unfortunately in my nose, not my head), and students no longer fall asleep in my class. It used to be: "In the late fourteenth century. . .zzzz zzzz.zz." Now I say "Hey Students!" Answered by: "Hey What!" and students are starting to pass the class. The only downside to the Bobmotization is that it wears off after a year and I need another fix. That and the cost incurred from increased visits to my psychiatrist. For some reason he wants to know how much you charge for de-Bobmotization.
On another note, I find it odd that the only one in the country with courage to stand up to Bush is a 500 year old ded dummy (I'm talking Smuj here, not you Bob!)
Hey Bob, I got an idea how we can make millions: bumper stickers:
"Ded Bob Sez; Honk if you're boney"
"Ded Bob Sez: If you can read this, yer doin’ bettern’ me!"
"Married Women! Make a date with Ded Bob. Ded Men tell no tales"
"Ded Bob Sez: From here to eternity. . .is a short walk."

Or more t-shirts:
Ded Bob under huge cow udder squirting milk into Bob’s mouth. Milk trails into his skeleton out onto the ground."Got Flesh?"

Actually, I'm thinking of following your footsteps. Here's the patter I've developed for greeting my students at the RenFest:

"Hey Students, if you've come for good clean fun (dramatic pause) you've come to the wrong place for the wrong reasons!"
"For the next two hours, you need to refrain from drinking (dramatic pause) I'll do it for you!" Raise high my tankard and down it.
Uh, that's it. Unfortunately, I black out at this point and can't remember what happens next. I seem to wake up with a lot of grass in my mouth and multiple bruises.
So I guess I'll submit my resume for being a Bob clone. This education shtick has never been too much fun anyway. Too much about books. Hey, you could hire me to do New York again and get your vengence that way! To differentiate, I could go as Dr. Death. And his dummy manipulator: Pot. Together we could take on the world and world hunger blah blah blah. . . (uh oh, I think I'm having one of those delusions again the shrink warned me about).

One last item, here is a song you might want to add to your repertoire:

Where have all the hippies gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the hippies gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the hippies gone?
Gone to Wall Street every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Where have all the peace signs gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the peace signs gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the peace signs gone?
Turned to dollar signs every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Where have all the bong pipes gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the bong pipes gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the bong pipes gone?
Into the recycle bin every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Where have all the liberals gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the liberals gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the liberals gone?
Turned into Bushocrats every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Where have all the communes gone?
Long time passing?
Where have all the communes gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the communes gone?
Converted to bomb shelters every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Where have all the hippies gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the hippies gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the hippies gone?
Ozzie Osbournes every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Well, thanks for providing the humor that serves as an antidote to the increasingly grim world in which we live.
-Ray Mort

Bob sez:
Your students will get an earful and an eyeful as well . [unless it's cold and all of the wenches wear shawls.] I'm going to hang on to your comedy suggestions and if I use any of them, I'll reward you handsomely which is code for "you'll never see a penny". [kidding]
See you this weekend, d.b.

Date: 09/21/03
Subject: Ded Bob:10,000,000; President Bush: 0
Yo! Ded Bob! I saw your show for the first time ever just yesterday, and I have to say that I thought you were vile, perverted, gross, and downright WONDERFUL! God! It was so kick-ass. I mean, I wasn?t expecting -anything- like that. You kept me in stitches from the first pun to the last down-right put-down. You're surly, savvy, sarcastic and totally ...something else that starts with an S. Also, I felt privileged to get a lot of your jokes, jests and jabs that went over most peoples heads. It made me feel superior in my tender age of sixteen. I love your views on politics, Ded Bob fo' PRESIDENT, MAN! (Our country would laugh more, at least. That'd be better than what it is doing now... Which is...er, nothing.) Keep on pickin' on the Media whores and the ... political whores. Ah, hell. Pick on all dem hoes. I'm looking forward to seeing you in Michigan next year, when I make my annual trip up to the Ren Fest. (God I sound obsequious. And for those who dont know what that means/cant pick up an effing dictionary.. it means: possessing an ass-kissing quality.) Anyway... As I was saying. Keep being the kick-ass man that you are.
Yours truly,

Bob sez:
I'm flattered and abashed at such high praise, and if I didn't deserve it, I would chastise you soundly for being 'obsequious': "marked by or exhibiting a fawning attentiveness" [merriam webster]
Skeptics unite, d.b.

Date: 09/19/03
Subject: I been bob-mo-tized...
hullo ded bob. i just thought i would drop you a line and tell you how much i appreciate your show. i am 17, almost 18, and have only been to the michigan renaissance festival for 3 years running. i grow faint at the thought of not knowing it even existed before 3 years ago. i blush at my ignorance. so far i have convinced about 10 people into going to the festival and those 10 people adored you and your show. they returned a couple times this year already just to see you and your show. thank you for your wonderful sense of humor and for bringing a smile to my face with your jokes. please make a CD or at least a video of your show. i miss seeing it throughtout the entire 8 months of renaissance-less revelry. i know of many people who would by your CD if you put your sogns on it. they would crack up listening to it. so please think about it. i well i must run. see you at the show these last two weekends at teh michigan renaissance festival. buh-bye bob!

Bob sez:
You know, I have resisted merchandizing from the get go. It was only a response to overwhelming pressure that I decided to sell T-Shirts. I have never seen a video of my show that I would want others to have the misfortune to see. However, an audio recording might be worth consideration. I had actually considered selling my time as a voice-over artist for answering machines or announcements! Wouldn't that be fun!? I'll think about it. d.b.

Date: 09/18/03
Subject: campaign
Hey What?
OK, that's out of the way. So I want to know more about the campaign. Nothing on the website. Are ya ded or something?
-Antoinette Martell

Bob sez:
I just did an interview and I'm having my web guy post it. stay tuned. d.b.

Date: 09/12/03
Subject: Dude you rock
Ded Bob dude,
Man you rock! Seriously lookin forward to checkin out your show at TRF this year. Me and my friends try to catch every show we can. Dude you gonna run for president again? We gotta get rid of that idiot bush. I seriously voted for you the last two elections. Dude ill let ya get back to whatever ya gotta do. Just thought id let ya know we love yer show and that give you twenty did get me laid.
-Josh Lay

Bob sez:
Dude Josh, you totally gots yo shizzzits togetha! d.b.

Date: 09/09/03
Subject: Interview with Bob
Dear [Bob],
Hi I'm Ernest and I publish the liberal newsmagazine "Issues & Alibis."
I saw your 2pm show Saturday at the fest and would like to offer the magazines endorsement, as well as free advertising and links for your campaign. We are a weekly liberal newsmagazine and as such we haven't made any endorsements for president, as none of the dems are liberal; we have however endorsed Max Cleland for vice president. Please visit the magazine at: http://issuesandalibis.org.
We'd like to interview Bob for the magazine. Plus we like jpegs or gifs of Bob for Pres. photos and banners. Ded Bob will be amongst good company as we have some of the best liberal thinkers and cartoonist in the world. Folks like Parry, Palast, Chomsky, Huffington, Averny, Conason, Rall, Ivins, Solomon, Pitt, and Alterman are just some of the folks who have joined are band of merry pranksters.
No matter what you may decide let me say thank you for having the balls to stand up to the Fuhrer. You have no idea how refreshing it was to hear the top ten reason to vote for Ded Bob, 5 & 6 especially! Although I wonder how they will play down below that Manson/Nixon line in Texas? Be that as it may, thanks for making us smile, oh and well worth a dollar!
Sincerely yours,
-Ernest Stewart

Bob sez:
I just checked out your website. Viva la revolution!
I am open to an interview at your convenience. I am on the road now, so getting graphics to you may be a problem until I get back home to Texas. You may use any of the graphics from my website in the meantime. If you bought a "Bob for President" shirt, maybe you can lift the art from that. d.b.

Date: 09/09/03
Subject: Yo Chunk
Dear Ded Bob and Smuj,
Waz up, home dog? I'm cool.
Guess what? I started school a little over 2 weeks ago. I am in the 8th grade. It's kinda sucks, but then again it's kinda cool. Sorta like my teachers. They cool (sometimes). Didn't make 2 many new friends, just kept the same one's. They cool, too. They're kinda like my sisters to me.
Know what, my b-day in 1 week (Sep. 14, the big 13). Don't forget the present.
I'm still a huge fan of urs. Sing the "ooh-do-da-day" song constantly. I talk about you constantly to my friends (they think I'm nuts).
U think u could send me a photo of you, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease (don't you hate it when hormonally stressed-out teenagers whine like that, tee-hee).
Yo, home dog! Gonna roll up on outta here.
With Dedly, Dedly Luv,
P.S. Write back, yo. Peace out, home dog.

Bob sez:
Saaaaaaaaaaaupppp home-chunk?
I's all hangin wit my peeps, wankin an skankin an dissin da man. I be spyin yoass whinever homes. Numba one in da hood, G. d.b.

Date: 09/05/03
Subject: thanks for the return to michigan and my annual fix
seriously, the only reason i go to the mi renfest is to bask in the rays of your dubious charm. despite your recriminations, i do bring my kids; now 11 and 16. they too, are overjoyed to once again be in your surly presence. in fact, post-show this year you singled out my eldest daughter as being "slutty" in appearance or some such observation, much to my pleased embarassment - i couldn't have agreed more (personally, i put that all on my ex and her laxity of morals). know that she has upgraded her appearance since your reprimand (through her blushing giggle i could detect a glimmer of come-uppance); as yesterday i went by the former homestead and found her in a long paisley dress and a demure, yet flattering, top piece. you, sir, have had an impact, for which i thank you. if only your republican-bashing could sway as well.....gotta go, but know two things; your picture with my two children holds a prominent place on my entertainment center for all to see, and, i always bring a newbie each year to get on that ded bob experience (my sweet, new partner in life this time - she was well smitten, as i knew she would be; yet, had she expressed discontentment and preferred washing wenches, it would be a new life partner next time around - by the way, was that smuj i saw, unmasked, taking in the washer women show?). please continue to be there for me, bob ol' boy, and thanks for the joy!
-a fan

Bob sez:
Dear "a fan",
Rarely do I get a letter from such an eloquent and savvy patron. As to your daughter's conversion, I must say that as a formerly red blooded male of the species I have a decidedly mixed attitude about the latest hooker fashions spawned by the parade of publicity sluts beginning with Madonna and now migrating to younger and younger media whores like Brittany and Agulera. While I love seeing the female form in a mostly undressed state, (Brittany's starched plastic tits notwithstanding) I am drenched with guilt at having the naturally filthy thoughts about 11 and 12 year old pre-pubescent children that such exposure produces. George Carlin recently expressed his sympathy for hookers who are forced to compete with these mainstream lolitas.
As for my politics, I think the Rumsfeld/Wolfowitz administration and their puppet George W.M.D. Bush are about to self destruct. [We can only hope] I'd like to see an independent party like the Greens gain some momentum, but the mainstream media isn't likely to allow them any exposure.
[If anyone is interested in real news, watch BBC International]
Of the Democrats, my heart is with Kucinich, who I will support until he loses the nomination. [He's too anti-greed for mainstream americans]
Of the rest I would support Dean, Kerry and Gephardt in that order.
Thanks for your support, and fight the power.

Date: 09/03/03
Subject: Hi from Barb
Hi Ded Bob!
We are looking forward to seeing you in Michigan in September. I just wanted to thank you for saying such nice things about TEACHERS (yes, I am one!). Keep up the GREAT work!

Bob sez:
You are most welcome. It scares the hell out of me that so many kids are getting shifted from the public, secular school system to the brainwashers in the religious schools. We've got to get this dick-head 12 step alcoholic christian out of the white house. d.b.

Date: 08/30/03
Subject: New Fan
Thanks, just got back from my first Renaissance Festival in Holly, MI, and LOVE YOU! See you next year!

Bob sez:
You love me? Prove it. d.b.

Date: 08/21/03
Subject: more DB
Dear Ded Bob et al,
Hey, saw you at the last Republican Convention, you were GREAT!
Seriously, do you ever fill in with private gigs? We're conveniently located near the MI Renfest, and would be interested in engaging you next year around festival time for a couple of hours. Just your usual routine, which as you've pointed out is already honed to perfection.
Also, what would you consider your ideal audience? This would be a mixed crowd of about 40 people with a good sense of humor. However I could sweeten the mix with whatever you prefer (within reason -- Meg Ryan is NOT available). I have to assume private parties are a pain.
Of course we get to bask in your presence through August and September, but ya just can't get too much Bob. We understand you're a busy corpse, and while we'd really like a Bob-fix in April, we figured it'd be easier to lure you over in Aug/Sept.
-Alex and his m.

Bob sez:
Meg Ryan is out, Janeanne Garafalo is in, if you can get her, I'll consider it. d.b.

Date: 08/12/03
Subject: Olathe and such
Any thoughts or ruminations about making your act more political, or introducing another character? I like your Bush commentary, such as it is, in your fan feedback section. There are still too few comedians who are able to stick it to W, or who can without incurring the wrath of good conserva...errr, jack-booted American Ashcroft clones everywhere. Of course, I love your act and all, with the cooperation of the willing in the audience but I can only imagine if you were to insert certain personages into your act--such as, well, the Shrub: baby Bush comes up onstage, and after being Bobmotized...
Olathe, Kansas, eh? Oh man, I am from Johnson County and I don't know about you, but that is one scary, freaky place. I spent a decade there one summer being the ranger for the Olathe park system tooling around in my police-issue '78 Chevy and somehow managed not to be sucked-in to that suburban hell.
Keep up the witty satire and cool ded schtick, from a Colorado Bob clone.
-Jeffrey Miller

Bob sez:
I think the Bush baby is self-destructing.
With a little luck, his neo-fascist puppetmasters will all be in prison by this time next year. d.b.

Date: 08/11/03
Subject: NYRF 2003
Hey DB,
We rennies of the NYRF miss ya! You were kick ass, we talked about you the rest of the season after you did our faire. Was some of the best stuff we had seen in years. A lot of us Ny rennies traveled to MDRF in Oct. 2002 for NYRF invasion weeknd of MDRF, many of us purposely made sure to catch your show as well as Puke and Snot. No offense to them, your better!
REC finally decided to get around to making serious changes all of us hope will stay.. the Peacock Pavillion is now rated R. All the shows not suitable for children are held there and signs are posted stating as much. We now have our own version of the Man Show... it's called the Rogue Show, two of the Crimson Pirates do the show. Wenches jump on trambolines and such. Needless to say with the amount of rain we've had it's been fun for all the guys.
I can only imagine what an extremely kick ass show that could be with you around.. what a trip.. I would pay serious amounts of money to see you do the Rogue Show. Sorry to hear you had a fight with management.. I was sorely disappointed when I learned you would not be doing either NY or MD.. as were a good majority of the NY rennies. Any possibilitis of ever doing PA ren fest, it's a bit closer then the faires you had listed that you are doing this year.
:: huge hugs::
~Cerise aka Christine

Bob sez:
Interesting, I haven't done the Maryland show for about 17 years. You must have seen my ghost or an imposter. d.b.

Date: 08/07/03
Subject: Being in Michigan
Will you be in Holly, Michigan on August the 16th or somewhere else? A birthday surprise hinges on your response.
Don't bonk me.

Bob sez:
I'm here, and I'll bonk you if I damn well please! d.b.

Date: 08/03/03
Subject: Hey Bob,
I was also wondering about if (and/or when) you decide to start having clones for other faires. I am interested, as i have no life of my own other than being a techie for Dish Network. just thought i would ask.
-Mark Bohn

Bob sez:
Just keep an eye on the website. d.b.

Date: 08/01/03
Subject: Canada, Eh?
Dear Bob,
Your opinion of President Bush is reminiscent of many of the comments made by Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien since Baby Bush took control of the USA.... could it be that our beloved Prime Minister has an alter ego? I understand why you would want to keep this a secret until your retirement next February, but come on- just between us Canucks- admit the truth! Ded Bob really is Jean Chrétien (looking better than he has in years).
Good to see a local boy doing so well in the USA.

Bob sez:
Who told you that!!!!
It's a lie, a falsehood, a spurious attack on my good name, and I'll have the gendarme...er... authorities on you like Bob and Doug on a Molson. d.b.

Date: 07/31/03
Subject: Huzzah! And verily! And other dumb words!
Just wanted to let you know I saw you two at the Colorado Renn Faire. You haven't been around in a while and I thought you were dead. Well, I mean, more dead than usual. Due to your absence, my self-image had begun to bloat. Fortunately, after a timely dose of your wise, profound and highly bitter insights, I now know I'm a pathetic excuse for a human being. I've given up my successful neurology practice, moved into my parent's basement and currently subsist on a diet of store-brand imitation cheese food and Fresca. And yet, through it all, I can be comforted in the fact that I'm still one step higher on the food chain than dear old smuj. Your program has completely turned my life around and it was certainly worth the two bucks. Hopefully you will return next year so that I can bring my former patients and they too can learn of the glory that is DED BOB.
-Dave from Denver

Bob sez:
Two bucks!? Two bucks!!!!
It is this type of insult that makes me want to move to Canada. Clearly, if I've changed your life, it warrants a more lucrative recompense than your yearly condom allowance. You deserve your lot, Dave, though I'll wager that your parents deserve better. Next year, if you can't come up with at least a five, I'll have to send smuj to rough you up.
Exly, d.b.

Date: 07/23/03
Subject: Hey Bob and Smudge
Dear Ded Bob,
I caught your show in Larkspur and was in line to get your picture when a little girl slapped you and you left. While I wanted to slap the kids parents for letting such an undisiplined brat breathe, I wanted to so much get a picture of you for my brother.
I know this sounds like a sap story but my little brother (not so little any more because he's 21 now) is in Iraq right now. I realize you don't support violence and I understand and agree with you but Arland is doing what he thinks is right. My point is, sorry I blabber sometimes, is that he loves you and would love to have an audograph picture of you and Smudge. Would you concider sending me one of you and Smudge? I could send a picture of you that I took at the ren fest if you want. I know he would love it!
Again, I would understand why you wouldn't want to but I would really appreciate it as I know Arland would as well. Thank you so much for your patience.
-Cherie Schnacker

Bob sez:
I don't want to be flippant about this.
Your brother signed up to kill at someone else's behest. In this case, that someone is an un-elected, alcoholic C student who knew as much about foreign policy as any Texas redkneck might be expected to know. I agree that in very extreme situations, even someone as cowardly as myself might be compelled to defend my beliefs. However, I would never do it with as little quality information and as much false information as this neanderthal administration has provided. Your brother is very probably ignorant of the true motives of Bush's puppet masters. He has probably never read a book about middle east history and the way Islam has been persecuted just as thoroughly as the Jews have been. He may not understand why many Moslems may not want Baghdad turned into strip malls. Maybe they don't want a MacDonalds hardening their arteries or Rush Limbaugh turning their brains to mush.

Ignorance is an excuse, but it's not a very good one.
If you sign up to kill another human being with no more justification than "I was just following orders" then, I'm sorry, but you've lost my support. The truth is out there if your patriotism doesn't out weigh your intelligence. I would probably be more sympathetic if I thought this war was about anything but making the world safe for corporate thieves like Bechtel and Exxon.

Yes, I will happily allow you to snap a photo for a fan of my show. I'm not into autographs, because I think they are stupid, but I'll certainly pose for a picture. But do me a favor in return: tell your brother from me that the same Donald Rumsfeld who condemned Saddam for attacking Iran is the same Donald Rumsfeld who sold him many of the weapons he used to attack them back when he was pimping for the arms manufacturers back in the 80s. Look at http://www.topos.org/rumsfeld.html

The U.N., while dragging their feet, were dealing with Saddam. He was 90% disarmed and according to Scott Ritter, one of the inspectors, he could have been completely disarmed if the U.S. hadn't been so eager to control the Gulf region. I'm sorry this is so heavy, but this spring our military killed several thousand human beings who were 'just doing their jobs'. The difference between most of the Iraqi soldiers and "the coalition of the coerced" is that if the Iraqis didn't fight, their families might be tortured or killed. That doesn't even take into account the hundreds of innocent men, women and children who were maimed and killed as "collateral damage".

I don't blame your brother for wanting to support his country, but do me a favor, buy a book called: "The Problem from Hell: America in the Age of Genocide" by Samantha Powers. Read it, and then send it to him.

Sincerely, Clark Orwick

Date: 07/27/03
Subject: Missed you
Hey Bob
My Husband and I Are planning a trip to the Michigan Festivel but we want to make sure your going to be their. Last year we went the first week and missed you. So could you please respond to let us know what weeks you'll be their this year.
Thank you
-Chip & Kerry

Bob sez:
"When all else fails, read the directions." In other words, the schedule is on my website, goober.

Date: 07/29/03
Subject: ded bob is da bom
hey bob i have noticed through my meny faithful years that you have gotten a lot of chicks digin you. what is your secrit? is it your undead telipthic thing? or what cus it is radical and i want to lurn how to do it!
enist fan,

Bob sez:
There are three ways to attract women.
If you're cute, the best way is to ignore them. The less interested you seem the more intrigued they will be.

Another way is to have power or money.
Most women cream all over themselves for men with power no matter how scummy they are. Henry Kissinger is a perfect example: He looks like a toad and he won the nobel peace prize for mass murdering Asians. He never lacked for a date.

smuj and I have a deal: I get the women and he gets the money. As repulsive as he is, that money (along with his association to my noteriety: i.e. power) gets him laid occasionally. Granted, it's not often. However, the fact that it has ever happened at all is astounding.

Don't get me wrong, independent and self actualized women would never lower themselves in this way, but how many of those do you see in this empty headed, material girl, Barbie Doll society where 12 year old girls dress like hookers, pay thousands of dollars to have their tits butchered and groupies offer themselves up to sleazy fucks like Mike Tyson and then wonder why they got raped.

The third way is to be a quality human being.
These days, especially in this money-makes-every-decision world, those are in short supply.


Date: 07/19/03
Subject: Hi Ded Bob and Smudge!
My husband and I have been to the Colorado Renaissance Festival every Weekend since it started this year in late June 2003. We are never tired of watching your show! We will miss you when you leave on Aug 3, 2003. We saw you for the first time last year, and just howled at your jokes!!!!
At night (in bed) we sing your song "I was hung from yonder tree...do da, do da. Now imagine two senior citizens in their mid fifties doing a sing-a-long at night. It is an ugly sight! Ha ha ha. Just kidding!
We are truly addicted to your show, and see it as many times as possible. We have really nice "laugh lines" thanks to you and Smudge.
How about singing some of the songs you have online? Who cares if people get mad? They can go and see another damned show!!!!!! He he he he!
We love ya, Bob and Smudge!!!!
-Meg and Jorgen Andersen!!!!

Bob sez:
Meg and Jorgen,
Thanks for your kind words. I did have a chuckle at the thought of the middle-aged singing Bob songs, but consider the even greater absurdity of a middle-aged old fart making them up! d.b.

Meg and Jorgen reply:
Hey D.B and Smuj!
Thanks for singing a new song. We almost missed it as you did not do it first thing in the a.m. I noticed that it confused a lot of people and reaction wasn't that enthusiastic. Strange people.
Anyway, your last show was the most hilarious, I think because a lot of people are a bit tipsy and become uninhibited. In that state of being one becomes child-like and a free spirit. At least, that is my opinion.
I am always amazed at the crowd that gathers for your show, considering how highly religious, pious (whatever you want to call it) the people of Colorado Springs are. What do you think?
One more weekend D.B., and it will be over for the summer. Boo hoo! Thanks for your humor. Next week we definitely will have pictures taken with you. Take care.
Your middle aged fans,
-Meg and Jorgen

Bob sez:
I doubt most of the pious types come within a hundred yards of my show. I think most of them are Joust fans. d.b.

Date: 07/21/03
Subject: Love your show
Dear Ded Bob,
My wife, whom you affectionately called "Cleavage" when I took your picture with her (or perhaps that is what you were gazing at), and I saw your show for the second year in CO this past weekend. Loved it as much as last year. In fact, we also saw Puke & Snot for the first time all the way through (been going 4 years and could never quite catch it) and honestly, I don't know what all the fanfare is about. They were good, but nothing to warrant having their own shop and cart. We wish you had had your T-shirts there, but alas we will have to get them from the website.
A couple questions... What do you have against Old Navy? I think the jokes are hilarious myself, but I was just curious if you had a bad experience once. Also, it's obvious you pick women with cleavage to be your Mary and Fifi zombies, but do you generally pick audience members that are not in costume? It seems that way as 5 of the 6 zombies we saw were in street clothes.
P. S. My wife wants to know if you're available for a one night stand
-Jeff and Jenn "Cleavage" Kaufman

Bob sez:
What do I have against Old Navy?!
Have you ever seen their commercials? Those would be reason enough.
Beyond that it's the generic, herd-mentality retards that wear the generic retard "old navy" shirts that support all the ignorant retard policies of this retard administration that led us into a retard war that murdered thousands of human beings so that Saddam could go into hiding and pick off american mercenaries a few at a time, so the world could be safe for EXXON/MOBILE and BECHTEL profits.

Date: 06/19/03
Subject: I love your head
Dear Bob & Smuj,
I wanted to write you this to tell you that I love your show and hope to see you back at the Texas Renaissance Fair this year. I was unable to attend last year and sorely missed my Ded Bob fix. I hope that this missive finds you well, and I hope to see you in October or November!

Bob sez:
Thanks, Crystal. You may want to know, that if baby bush gets re-elected, I'm moving to Canada. d.b.

Date: 06/02/03
Subject: allright Bob (and Smuj)
Oh Bob, I think you need some professional hippie/wenches to follow you this year (for pay of course) at TRF. What say you to that??
-Sarah, Wench of the West

Bob sez:
You mean like groupies?

Date: 05/28/03
Subject: Missing you
Hi there DB,
I just had to tell you that you are deeply missed. I moved from Atlanta to LA about 5 years ago. Your show would be my first stop while at the faire. I've enjoyed you for many years and just wanted to say "Thank you". So.. Thank you! Do you ever get over to the West coast? Also, I'm sure you are swamped with pictures of yourself doing your show, but if you're at all interested, I'd be happy to pass them on. I think they are pretty good picts.
Miss you,

Bob sez:
Sometimes, letters are so genuine that I just can't respond sarcastically......so how about a joke. Why are Californians like granola? Cuz what ain't fruits and flakes is nuts. Thanks for your kind words, d.b.

Date: 05/26/03
Subject: Missed you in Atlanta this year...
Hey Audience....
Hey What...

Ded Bob didn't come to Atlanta this year and it won't be the same...if it were up to me alone (my little sis wants to go) I wouldn't even go at all. What a travesty in the Medieval world. What next? Indoor plumbing! I say nay! Just know that for whatever reason, vacation, Atlanta Renaissance bastards didn't invite our favorite carnival friend, got the flu, got bonked for 2 months straight....hey even I like that one! We miss you and hope to see you back sometime soon. I've got a dollar for the lap already, and my bobmotization is wearing off...needs a refresh.
Take care my friend.
-Paul K. Hoover

Bob sez:
smuj has sars

Date: 05/26/03
Subject: Zombie me
Hey Bob! My name is Ashleigh, I was ded bob Zoie #1 at this years ren fair. I dont know if you'd remember, but the short black haired Belly dancer who was almost falling out of her top,.. hehe. I just wanted to let you know you are doing a great job, and I love being at your show. I cant wait to see you again soon! Love,

Bob sez:
Of course I remember you. You were the short, black-haired belly dancer who was almost falling out of your top. By any chance, did anyone with you at the faire take any pictures...of your...top situation? d.b.

Date: 05/24/03
Subject: hey im back!!!!
hey bob! guess what! i finnished the bob project! here are some pic.s! i will be sure to yell it out for you! see you at the faire!

Bob sez:
ware? wat pix? i dinot c no pix

Forgive the above message, that's what happens when I let smuj use the computer. He's right though, there were no pictures attached to your mail. d.b.

Date: 05/17/03
Subject: Bristol Renaissance Faire
Dear Smuj and Bob:
Do you guys have any plans to ever attend the Bristol Faire again? I need a reason to go back!
-David Graham

Bob sez:
It appears we share a lack of impetus. d.b.

Date: 05/09/03
Subject: Bristol...
You’ve probably been getting these emails for years, and I admit I didn’t look around the site for a faq, but... Are you ever going to come back to the Bristol Ren Faire? I enjoyed seeing you a few years ago...but you haven’t been back...disappointing.

Bob sez:
They hated me there, why would I go back?
Iceblink replies:
Who hated you? The people who ran the faire, or the attendees? My wife and I thought you were hilarious. The Singing Executioners that they brought in the following year...them I didn’t like, but all our friends liked your show.
Oh well. I shall continue to pout, unless I can get up to Michigan sometime. Sorry people didn’t like you (supposedly), but it’s been a few years, and I still remember being thoroughly entertained!

Bob sez:
Most of the people who came to my show at bristol were bovine-like. The Tempura booth next door to the stage rendered them fat, contented, stupid, and utterly inert. This state of being is becoming the norm in America. That is why the rumsfeld/cheney administration gets away with what they're getting away with. Clearly you and your lovely were exceptions.

Date: 05/08/03
Subject: with love, from the Carolinas
Dear Ded Bob,
What a funny bone you are! The man behind the mask isn't too bad either. I've recently moved from Texas to the east coast, and wondered if you might leave the steers and queers behind in October/November and visit the Renfest in North Carolina sometime...
Love you best without the skin,

Bob sez:
That's doubtful, since smuj lives [for now] in texas and the texas renaissance festival runs at the same time. I may send a clone there someday. Watch the website, I'll keep you posted. d.b.

Date: 05/06/03
Subject: Pictures sent
I've talked to you several times at the faire in various different states. The women that I have brought mostly to see you have loved your show. I was on your web site and you respond to quite a few women to send naked pics to you. Do they send them and if so would you share the wealth? :)
Thank you for the great times, I'll see you in Larkspur Colorado this year (of corpse I'll bring a woman!!) And yes she will have big gozangas!!!
-Thomas O'Shaughnessy

Bob sez:
I'm looking at some right t his minute....excuse me for a moment, smuj seems to need some private time...
    [30 seconds later]
I'm going to have to get back to you, smuj made a mess. d.b.

Date: 05/05/03
Subject: Help! We need you back!
Ded Bob hasn't been in Georgia for TWO YEARS! now everything at the Georgia Renaissance festival is going haywire. The Zucchini Brothers have stolen your mallet and are using it in their "Danger Theatre", People are walking around aimlessly as if in search of some direction from someone, There is a little boy who won't leave the fairgrounds until you come back, Oh the humanity!!! WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO!! If you never come back people will start saying horrible awful evil naughty things like "Who's Ded Bob?" or "What's Bobmatized?". Obviously everyone just needs to look deep into bob's eye sockets and everything will be returned to order. Please help!
-Eddie Rinderknecht

Bob sez:
Alas, Georgia gave up on Bob. I couldn't even fill the seats any more. Where were all these lost boys and Bob junkies when I was melting on the Halfwit Harbor Stage? These are dangerous and sad times...John Ashcroft is the Attourney General...George Bush is popular. I'm ready to move to Canada if this shit keeps up. d.b.

Date: 05/04/03
Subject: ga renaissance festival
Looking at your schedule you are not going to be at the GA festival? We are going to be so disappointed!!!!!!!!!! Say it isn't so Bob

Bob sez:
"it isn't so Bob"

Date: 04/28/03
Subject: Miss your show!
Hey Smuj and Ded Bob:
I really miss your show. I saw you guys at the Georgia Renaissance Festival years ago and have been looking for you guys ever since. I hope sometime you can perform in Atlanta again. I'm not sure why you've not been there these past couple of years...whether it's because they didn't pay enough or they didn't like your act or what.... In any event, please let me know if you're ever going to be performing there or in Chattanooga, TN!
-John Aldrich

Bob sez:
I did that show for 15 years, and I couldn't even fill the seats anymore. I think my show got to risque' for the repressive bible belt mind set. d.b.

Date: 04/21/03
Subject: NY Ren Fest
Hi. I was at the NY ren fest this past year and saw the ded bob show for the first time. I was wondering if you were going to come to the NY Festival again this year or even somewhere closer like the PA Ren Fest?
-Melissa Cero

Bob sez:
I have serous doubts that the N.Y. fair will ever ask me to return. The owner pissed me off, and I told him so. So, no bob for n.y.
sorry, d.b.

Date: 04/16/03
Subject: O Bob Where Art Thou
O wondrous fleshless one - why art thou not appearing at the Georgia RenFest this summer? Alas, thou hast broken mine heart and caused me to lose all motivation to attend. Woe is me.
Wilt thou ever return?
-Christina, ~Muse of Fire~

Bob sez:
Fie, fie on thee gnat, blowfly, pusswart....sorry, I was just gettin into your rap. Georgia...don't think so, not untill I hire a clone...that could happen within a year or two...maybe...maybe not...smuj is a fat, lazy slob. d.b.
Christina replies:
Give smuj some serious caffeine and tell him to get off his fat lazy ass - there are hotblooded redheaded maidens awaiting his Master's merriment here in Hotlanta...
Bob sez:
you're not the boss of smuj!
Christina replies:
Nor the mistress, apparently.... despite the black leather corset....
Just let smuj know that he and Ded Bob are sorely missed in Georgia.

Bob sez:
CORSET!!! YOU NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT A CORSET!! Please send pictures and I'll reconsider my options.

Date: 04/15/03
Subject: Ga Ren Fest
Hey, I used to love watching your show at the Georgia Ren Fest. I notice you weren't there last year, and aren't on the schedual for this year. Do you know if you are ever coming back?

Bob sez:
Bal, my clones will arrive within a few years, be patient. d.b.

Date: 04/12/03
Subject: hey bob
hey bob when r u comin to either louisiana or oregon? im moving to either 1 and i hope to see ur show again. i saw u in march at the arizona renissance fair and u rocked my world! haha not really but u did kick ass. well hope u write me back before i die. rock out with ur cock out.
-allison and katy-

Bob sez:
A & K,
You two sound fun and randy. Please send naked pictures. d.b.

Date: 04/09/03
Subject: moved from tx, in va now
I used to live in Houston and went into the stupid Navy and now I am stuck in Va with the wife and kid. I was wondering if you guys are ever gonna go to the Williamsburg Ren Fest in VA? I miss seeing your show!!!! please come to va, I will get you chicks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Cody Steel James

Bob sez:
Cody, send me the chicks first and then I'll decide if VA. is worth visiting. d.b.

Date: 04/08/03
Subject: T. V.
When you gonna be on t.v. I was hoping to catch you at Atlanta this year, but according to your schedule, your taking 2 months off. Smuj really is a lazy sot. I really think you could make it on the big show. Maybe you could do something like Pee Wee Herman only with a lot more intelligence. Hell, if he could do it, you certainly can. Well maybe we'll see you next year.
-Why would you care who the hell I am (Jimmy Hicks)

Bob sez:
90% of all Television content is pure shit. Why would I want to be associated with that?
(exceptions: CSPAN, BBC-INTERNATIONAL,, FSTV, WORLDLINKTV, NEWS-WORLD-INTERNATIONAL. discovery channel, comedy channel sometimes. "West Wing", in my opinion the most intelligent show ever broadcast, was cancelled by war-mongers at General Electric Corp. (G. E. makes various weapons of mass destruction and owns NBC))

Date: 04/08/03
Subject: It's been a while
I was fortunate enough to see you at the Bristol Renaissance Faire in Wisconsin. And then the news was broken to me that you weren't returning there. You ass. However, this Michigan idea intrigues me. It seems as if a road trip may be planned to come experience the bobmatization again. Keep up the wonderful work. Expect to see me in MI.
-Chris C.

Bob sez:
You better be in www.michrenfest.com or I'll tell Bush you have some pepper spray and your regime will be crushed by allied forces. d.b.

Date: 04/07/03
Subject: to db and smug,
i got fans now make them laugh
-the gravedigger

Smuj sez:
dr mrk gurp. smuj

Date: 04/07/03
Subject: DB - you're the greatest
Hey Bob.
Just wanted to say that you were great this year at the Arizona Renaissance Festival. I was even there with my friend that Sunday when it started pouring and we all got rained out. We were upfront with a big black coat around us. Also my friend's eyebrow ring got ripped out during that time but we stayed anyways to watch you. Not only that but my other friend who I was there with got to be one of your Bob Zombies, Ned. (I'll be your Bob Zombie anytime.)
Anyways, hope to see you there again next year ... oh and Smuj too :)
Always your fan ("Here Bob, touch me here!"),

Bob sez:
I believe that was the fastest show I've ever done. If you want to be a special zombie, send me a dirty picture. d.b.

Date: 03/30/03
Subject: like a virgin
Dear ded bob..you too smuj...
I saw your show for the first time the last day in AZ..you were awsome. really great show..I had tears rolling down my face. I tried to get up front on the last show..even had a low cut shirt on for you bob..but could not get a seat..I cant wait till next year. Maybe I'll come topless...that ought to get your attention hmmmm!
-Donna Kresse

Bob sez:
send me a naked picture so I can pick you out when the time comes. d.b.

Date: 03/30/03
Subject: NYRF
Hey, Bobby and Smuj.
Am I going to see you perform at the NYRF in 2003? Sure hope so...
-Ken N.

Bob sez:
sorry, n.y. didn't seem to care much for me. I'll be in Michigan where the best audiences in the world reside. d.b.

Date: 03/30/03
Subject: Dead or alive, you're the best
Hey, Ded Bob,
Caught your show in AZ - you rock! I gotta know - whaddaya do when you're not busy being dead on stage?
-Herman Nuetics

Bob sez:
What do I do in my spare time?
I'm doing everything I possibly can to make sure this shit-for-brains Bush administration goes to prison as they deserve. d.b.

Date: 03/27/03
Subject: hey baby....
hey bob,
why did smuj email me?I wanna hear from you oh ded one i love so much!hehe...I really hope you'll be at MIRF this season!you'll see me at a few shows...still wish i was old enough to be Bobmotized!alright..i must go for now!I LOVE YOU BOB!!!
love always,

Bob sez:
Sadly, your love for my old b ones must go unfulfilled as I am already betrothed to Meg Ryan. d.b.

Date: 03/27/03
Subject: hey ive came to the festival for about 5 years now ...
Dear Bob and Smuj,
hey my names brad. if u even give a damn. I meen come on how the hell would u know me anyways. well every time ive been to the fesival the first thing I do is walk strait to ur "preforming area". and everytime after ur show I give u a 20 bill. you know. to support ur work. and even after every show ur material never gets old.
You should get that jousting arena for you to preform cause damn... ur show is a hella lot better then theres. no offence to them ofcoures.well next time I come expect a 100 dollar bill. because I still got 120 $ left over from last trip . I will even write hey bob on the front then ull know it was me.
Hmmm I probably sound like a lieing bowl of $hit but. µæäb£¦+1-b66Äê3W= ded bobs puppet stucture ok mayby that wasn't funny but. . . . . umm hell im bored well my names brad and I hope ur not as much as an ass that u are on the show lol
I wana play a game with u.. its called brad says, goodnight I got to go to bed. hahaha! brad didn't say so ok brad says goodnight bob cya next year and plz.. don't think im crazy justcause my letter is gayer then hell.
-Brad Burrow

Bob sez:
may I suggest you consider some schooling? Learning to spell may prove to be quite helpful as you age.

Date: 03/27/03
Subject: AZ faire
Bob you were great this year at the Az festival.I really appreciate what u did to my ex's daughter it was hilarious.You'd remember her as the black girl with attitude on the morning of the 23rd of March (Fifi).The sad thing was she had that hairdo to go with it, ha,ha.
My ex thought black people had no reason to go to the show , but i talked them into it.She laughed so hard at her daughter she cried.It was the greatest thing to happen to our family.You brought us all closer through your touching show.And i mean TOUCHING SHOW.Please write Fifi a lil something so she can remember her experience at your family show.
P.S. Im going to make sure she gets a copy of your response to this so please address it to her. Thanks from a fan for life and... then after,ha.
-Robert Prine

Bob sez:
Our time together was so special to me, your crappy attitude not withstanding. I hope you will remember our affair with fondness and when you think back, years from now, to our lusty moment in the sun, I hope the secret thrill remains.

Date: 03/27/03
Subject: AZ faire
hey bob say u in arizona yesterday and it wats cool. it was my first time seeing u. it war really funney because u cape looking ant that girls BOOB'S and saying ur welcom.any way i was wondering were i could get 1 of u.well talk to later mabey
ps. hi smuj

Bob sez:
Your spelling sucks, may I suggest....school. d.b.

Date: 03/19/03
Subject: What What Ded Bob
What's up? I was just at the Arizona show, where it rained a lot and you did the show in warp speed. It was so f'n cold but we toughed it out and saw you and all the other artists. BTW you were awesome! Well I was wondering if you were planning on maybe making a cd or DVD? Or maybe you could just put sound bites up on your website. That would be super kool! I really wish I could hear you sing your songs instead of just staring at the lyrics trying to picture you singing them. Well yeah that's all. Oh yeah I miss it when a few years back you used to make impressions at the end of your show, you did like people who smoke and took of your head or you did an impression of Madonna. I would love to get a DVD or a CD if you ever made one.

Bob sez:
I've never seen video of the show that was worth publishing, but if I ever do, you'll be the first to know after everyone before you knows. d.b.

Date: 03/10/03
Subject: Ideas fo more stuff
How about a Ded Bob action figure? (for the kids and the kids in all of us!) Or a stuffed Ded bob?
-Cedric in Colorado

Bob sez:
No useless crap will ever be produced by or for the ded bob sho. d.b.

Date: 03/10/03
Subject: Just saw your show....
I really liked your new material. ( All .2 seconds of it. )
-Bob, Chief Janitor, Memory Alpha Public Library

Bob sez:
you're lucky to get that. d.b.

Date: 03/10/03
Subject: Thanks!
Just wanted to send a quick note to my favorite Renissance Festival performer saying how much I enjoy your show. Keep up the great work. Unfortunatly I won't be able to make it to see the show this year (I live in Arizona). This will be the first festival I missed in around 10 years and I NEVER miss the Ded Bob show when i'm there. Keep up the great work and I look forward to seeing the show in 2004 :)

Bob sez:
you gave no excuse for your f ailure to come and worship me. I can only assume that your reasons are puny and selfish. Good luck living with the guilt you must surely bear as a result of your callous decision.

Date: 03/10/03
Subject: You Rule Ded Bob!
Ded Bob,
I saw you yesterday and you didn't pick me out of the audience! You still rule!
-Ded Jen

Bob sez:
Your time will come. d.b.

Date: 02/24/03
Subject: Who should I take it out on?
I noticed that you won't be at the Georgia festival. I'm sure that it's because the promoters did something stupid to anger you. Is there anyone in particular over there that I should complain to? We miss you Bob! . Hopefully we can attend one of the fests that you'll be at.
-Kirk, MaryAnn, and Ivy Steinbach

Bob sez:
Please do not complain to anyone.
The promoters have bent over backwards to get me back. I stopped doing the Georgia Festival because I couldn't fill the seats. Because smuj is a fat lazy slob and won't write any new material.

Date: 02/24/03
Subject: i love Ded Bob! (well, ok.. and Smuj too!)
Wow. How can I begin? I have been faithfully going to your shows at the Arizona Renaissance Festival for about 5 years. I LOVE your show. I have 3 Ded Bob T-Shirts, and I really really really would love to add to that collection! Even though you havn't written any new material for a bit, even seeing you do the same thing every year makes me laugh hysterically! I think I even tipped you like 30 dollars this year at one of your shows at the Renaissance Festival here in Arizona. I would just like to say thank you for giving me the best laughs I've EVER had. I look forward to seeing your shows again soon!
PS - I been bob-motized.. I am a bob zombie! Here Bob, touch me here! (points)
PPS - I have always wanted to know. In the Ned, Fifi, and Mary Oatblossom story, is Mary staged? Just wondering, I won't tell anyone! :)
PPPS - you're a genius, by the way. :)
Your BIGGEST Fan (really..!),

Bob sez:
Is Mary Staged? Erica, theres a Mary born every minute. Hell, every second...make that ten a second. d.b.
p.s. I haven't changed the show because it is perfect. One would be ill advised to fuck with perfection.

Date: 02/24/03
Subject: you killed me , now we are even
hey you . my name is chris phillips.
i saw your show for the first time ever last 02-16-03 . my god , sir you are the funniest and most clever and only sack of bones to ever exsist !! and the things you said in public , it absolutley showed the most back bone i've ever seen . as if it wasn't obvious already . i just wanted to send you this e-mail to let you know that your not the only one cursed with charm so powerful that no woman can tear her eyes away . yes sir , i've had to endure this all my life . i cant remember a day it has not happened . oh who am i kidding , i'm very jelious of ya , you little punk . i've never had such luck with the ladies . well not until recently . you see bob i went to your show with the most incredible young lady . and i think perhaps you might have blessed us some how , because you know what bob ? we are going to get married in a few years or so . and i cant help but wonder , did my becoming one of your zombies make me that much more attractive? to the piont where my lovely angel now wants to get married ? if you are responsable , then thank you so much and i promise to be your loyale zombie slave the rest of my life
your zombie
-Chris Phillips

Bob sez:
Ho Hum - all in a days work. don't forget the pre-nup... d.b.

Date: 02/18/03
Subject: hey bob...
HEY BOB...you are our heros...we just thot that we/d email u to tell you that....you are the hottest thing (ded or alive) that we have ever say....and one last thing, i'll never forget u!!!! ~Luv ya Forever And Always~
-Ashley And Jackie

Bob sez:
You said it, ladies. May your bones serve you well and long. d.b.

Date: 02/18/03
Subject: Any excuse to write to you...
.... Yup, any excuse to write to you. I've moved from Arizona and for the first time in seven years I will not get my yearly Ded Bob fix. I will not be bobmotized, I will not be there to sing "to the tune of Old MacDonald," I will not be there to look into your eye sockets... Oh, the horror! The horror! I even looked forward to getting old so I could maybe someday be chosen to be Fifi. BUT... Now, I am stuck in the backwoods of Kentucky where there are people who look like the living dead and who could be your relatives. But that's a different story.
Anyway, my excuse for writing to you is this: Please tell "that masked man" that his masked man page has a number of spelling errors on it. Bellefonte, concieved, Senior Wences. Oh lordy, the list goes on and on.
Is this a cry for help? Dam write. Will I get through February without craving a turkey leg and missing the zombies? The Bob zombies??
This may just drive me to go to one of those churches here where they handle snakes on a regular basis. If I am driven to that extreme, I'll lean over the dying, snake bitten believer and tell them to look for you "on the other side."
It's the least I can do.
Bob-mo-tizedly yours,
-Bridget Carroll

Bob sez:
Wow, Life sucks....but then you die!! I'll put my man on the spelling issues. Thanks for the 'heads up'. d.b.

Date: 02/18/03
Subject: AZ 2/17
Looking forward to seeing you yet again.
So are my 14 year-old daughter and twin 12 year-old sons. Please torture them in any way possible...they SOSOSOSOSO deserve it!!! They are HUGE fans!!!!! As we speak they are practicing your songs (you just HAD to post the lyrics, eh???) and planning their visits to you (oh yes...that was plural...they'll be visiting you many times on President's Day).
My daughter takes pride in the fact that she'll never be on your stage: she figures you'll re-die before she's old enough to be Fifi and she's figured out that she'll probably never have the "endowments" to be Mary.
My red-headed torture devices...er, sons....are just thrilled to imitate you!!!! Brandt even was contemplating how he could re-create Smuj's lovely headware and use the puppet he's going to buy to well....I think you get it. I believe they're also planning on wearing Bob t-shirts. Last year Brandt bought "Dred Bob" (his money) and John was given the "Ned" shirt that my cousin Rob Self (visiting from Dallas area where he's one of your followers and I believe also known as the "Fart King" at Dallas RenFes) received from his experience with you last year here. Yes, those verbal red-headed "cherubs" do love you...perhaps I've given you enough to go on to know to whom to "repay" that love and adulation.
Am I being too obvious?????
See you soon!
-Sonya Gaches

Bob sez:
Sonya, Please deposit the tots in the parking lot dumpster on your way in. d.b.

Date: 02/18/03
Subject: I was a ded bob virgin
Now don't get excited, I'm a big guy and I don't go for 'bones' so...
Anyway, I just caught your show for the first time at the Arizona Ren Fest. I went this past weekend and my friends all dragged me to the tent. All of a sudden, some big, dumb-looking guy came out and put something on the wall. Then he went away. Then he came out again with his hand up your . well, neck. It was all downhill from there.
I'm glad that you yelled at the kid in front of me to turn his hat around because that was my cue to do the same before you unleashed your fury on me. I have never laughed so hard in my life. At least not since that last grave digging. Thanks for an entertaining show and you can be sure that I will be back to the AZ Ren Fest before it closes up this year.
BTW, if you can get me Zombie #1's phone number, that would be much appreciated.

Bob sez:
You'll get it when I'm done with her... d.b.

Date: 02/10/03
Subject: Miss You!
Dear Ded Bob (and Smuj),
I REALLY look forward to seeing you in Michigan again this year, (you cutie)! I always did have this thing for skinny guys! Maybe I'll be lucky enough to be "Zombied" this time! The last time I was there, I talked to you after the show and you said you should have picked me. (I'm not called "K2" for nothing!)
My 14-year-old daughter loves you too! Thanks to you, she is proudly wearing a Ded Bob t-shirt, singing your songs and proclaiming her allegiance! Who says you aren't a positive influence?!
Anyway, can't wait to see you, and your "bonker" again!
P.S. Thanks for the SMOKE-FREE shows!
Love ya, babe!
-Lady Kellie

Bob sez:
keli, snd nkd pix...&%)#@&&@(!!#!!

Kellie, please forgive the above message. I'm afraid smuj got loose at the keyboard momentarily, but we've had him sedated and he's resting, happily, drugged. Looking forward to seeing you and your daughter and the twins next year in Michigan, db

Date: 01/30/03
Subject: I will find you if it is the last thing I do.
Ten years ago I first encountered ded Bob and Smuj in the festival outside Colorado Springs. It was one of my first dates with my then girlfriend. Bob annoyed me until I would give him a dollar to sing to her. I finally gave in. It was obviously before he became a big star and quit working the crowd. This was a pivotal point in the relationship, it was not long before we moved to Arizona and got married. Now we have two small obnoxious children. I will be looking for him at the Arizona Festival this year. I plan to yank off a femur and beat Smuj unconscious and drag him behind my jeep in the desert. Then I will let my bratty children scatter Bobs bones in the desert for the coyotes to gnaw on. His lopsided skull will go nicely mounted on my mantle.
I blame Ded Bob for wrecking my life.I should at least get a T-shirt that says Ded Bob ruined my life and all I got was this crummy shirt.
Ask me for another buck to sing to my kids and I will unleash those little hell hounds on you.
-Michael Hasslbauer

Bob sez:
Pretty strong words from a pussy-whipped family man. I'll see you in AZ alright, you putz, d.b.

Date: 01/16/03
Subject: Semiretirement?
Spent a few moments looking over comments from fans, and noticed semiretirement popping up. Saw your show only once (Arizona) and it was the most entertaining, witty and charming presentation I have seen in many years. I can certainly understand the desire to "slow down" and have been doing that myself the past few years. But what a shame to deprive future potential fans your genuine talent and brilliance. Hopefully, your show has been preserved on tape for posterity. I read other remarks about open auditions and would say that copies are seldom as crisp and exciting as the original. It would be a tremendous kick to clone your act, but it would always be less than the original. If you can make big bucks doing that, you deserve the reward. But the audiences won't be as satisfied. My lifelong bride and I hope to move to our Arizona home within the next couple of years (from Illinois) and we sincerely hope we can experience you at least one more time. Congratulations on an immaculate conception.
-Bob Cody

Bob sez:
Thanks for the kind words. As of now, retirement is still a few years off. So I'll see you in AZ when you get there. d.b.

Wanna email Ded Bob? He'll get back to you as soon as humanly possible. If you're lucky, maybe even sooner.

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