Letters from 2005

Date: 12/30/05   Subject: NOOOOO don't leave me!!!
Okay, here's the deal - my former boyfriend/now fiance and I liked your show so much this last year (1st time at any ren fest) that now that he's decided to give me a HUGE rock to wear, we want to get married there. Seeing your show again was a HUUUUUGE perk!!! How do we petition, raid, storm, revolt, insurect, kick scream cry, etc to TRF??? 4 shows a day is insaine to begin with! We love you Ded Bob (and smuj after a while I suppose).

-Laura Miller

Bob sez:
You send a photograph of yourself eating another human being!!!!!??????
Are you insane? I could have you arrested...if the the guy wasn't such a yutz, I would. As it is, he probably deserves to be canniblized....for that haircut, if nothing else.
Not to worry, no one [as far as I know] has signed the 8 shows a day contract. There's a rumor going around that the fair may be sold...which could be good or bad depending on the buyer.
I'm 80% sure bob will be back at the Odeon next fall. d.b.

Date: 12/22/05   Subject: i love your show!!
I've been going to your show every year for the past five years, and i love it!! I heard smuj is retiring, is that true? I hope not. you both make a wonderful couple. (I don't mean it the way it sounds) Hope to see you soon at the arizona renaissance festival!!

Bob sez:
Thank you for you kind words... although smuj doesn't deserve them. He is semi-retired. He's still doing the Michigan Festival and the Texas Festival. d.b.

Date: 12/03/05   Subject: hey bob
hey bob or smuj this be Katie again ur such a hot guy [(bob that is) sry smuj] but ne who i soooo miss ya'll that's right i just went country and i got a question, did u ever consider doing teen b-day parties? love u so much!

Bob sez:
Sorry Katie, no private parties... smuj is a lazy slob and won't get off his *ss unless his ice cream runs out... he currently has a six month supply. d.b.

Date: 11/13/05   Subject: Saw you at the Texas Renaissance Festival
We saw you again after quite a long time and it was as great as the 1st time. My kids loved you as well. Keep it up.
-Rus and Sandy Records

Bob sez:
Bless you, my children... Next time, bring the whole neighborhood... and we'll drink the kool-aid. d.b.

Date: 11/12/05   Subject: Regarding: awsomeness
Hey Bob I just got back from the renisaince fest. and you were awesome. I was the kid you said that could'nt handle BOB ZOMBIE # 1

Bob sez:
You were awesome too... I was the ded one on stage yelling at everybody. d.b.

Date: 11/11/05   Subject: self bobmatizing
Alright, i have a question. What would happen if you bobmatized yourself??? You would be your own Bob zombie. You would have to listen to whatever you told yourself to do. But that would be what you normally do. It's confusing. Maybe it is just one of those unanswerable questions. Hmmm, well it is something to think about. Perhaps you could try Bobmatizing yourself at one of your shows. I think it would be pretty funny! ^^

Bob sez:
I'm pretty sure it would create a worm-hole in the space/time continuum. d.b.

Date: 11/09/05   Subject: Hey bob
My wife and I caught your show at the Renaissance Festival in Huntersville N.C. this past weekend and we thoroughly enjoyed it.
I can not remember what you called your "horse" on the dysfunctional farm. When you "Haaayyyy-ed", I laughed so hard I forgot the word you used to describe the horse. Could you take a moment and let me know?
Also, do you only do work the renaissance circuit? I was wondering because my wife and I would love to go see your show if you were in our area.
-Daniel Palmer

Bob sez:
Uh.....what were you smokin?
There wernt no horse, bub. There was a substance abusing bull, a dyslexic sheep, a nymphomaniac pig, a nicotine addicted rooster and a chicken with a bad attitude. As for where you can see bob... check my schedule. d.b.

Date: 11/07/05   Subject: Omg, I lurv your show.
Yes, I love it. It's absolutly rox my purple sox everytime. I've seen your show every year at renasance (or however you spell that) and YOU FRIGGIN ROCK!!! That's about six years I've gone, so BOO YA!!! My dad didn't want to go, because he says your show is starting to bore him, because it's the same, but I dragged him over just so I could watch it. I like the old stuff, because all the people who havn't seen your show get to see the classic, but seriously man, you need some new material. :)
Sincerly a child with money,
p.s. Hook me up with Smuj, would ya?

Bob sez:
Kit, what kind of "hook-up" are you interested in? I'll wager you'll change your mind right quick once you get a good whiff. d.b.

Date: 10/31/05   Subject: Hi from Texas
Sorry to hear that Smug is retiring. We have been fans of the Ded Bob show for many years here in TX...
-Nansi and Blythe

Bob sez:
Semi-retired. d.b.

Date: 10/30/05   Subject: Is Bob A Clone?
Just curious...we were at the Texas fest this weekend..halloween weekend and then I saw on your site that you were also supposed to be at the Carolina fest? sooooooooo is Bob a Clone...or a twin...or mutant?? whats up with that???
love your show...been seeing it in Texas for last 15 yrs....go Bob and Bob....
-Debra McComb

Bob sez:
There is only one bob...but I have several dummies.
Sluj is doing N.C.; Arizona; Georgia and Colorado...and hopefully Minnesota next year.
Smuj is doing T.R.F. and Michigan.
And the newby, Puj is doing Scarborough and hopefully Tampa, Fla. next year.

Date: 10/23/05   Subject: hey there!!
hey my nimes emily and i saw you for the first time at the texas rennassaince festival. You were awesome, smuj was good too lol. Hopefully i'll get to see you nest year..oh and your songs are pimp for sneezy. ok peace out
-Emily Stephenson

Bob sez:
Emily...two words...spell check. d.b.

Date: 10/22/05   Subject: TRF and Tshirts
Hey Bob,
Just caught your show for the very first time today at the Texas Ren Fest, just have to tell you that you were hilarious! I wasn't too impressed with the fair, but you were well worth it!!! Keep the laughs coming!!! My cheeks still hurt from laughing so much! Also, why not any kid size t-shirts and a bigger variety????
Thanks for a great time!!

Bob sez:
Yo, T. Sorry about your cheeks...all four of them.
About the shirts, I passed the merchandizing off to a former zombie, Velma...she's in charge. The spagetti strap t-shirts come pretty small. Very form fitting...mmmm. d.b.

Date: 10/13/05   Subject: florida festivals
We have been attending your shows each year in AZ but have recently moved to Florida. Do you come anywhere close to here? On another note, what is your calendar schedule through out the year? we are currentlyplanning to fly back to PHX in February to see you again.
We love Ded Bob!

Bob sez:
I may be at the Tampa show this year...stay tuned. d.b.

Date: 10/13/05   Subject: TSHIRTS
Hey Bob,
Can you tell us if you will be selling tshirts at the festival this year. Tshirts are coming in from Swartz Creek, MI. and will not be here on time for us to wear for the festival.
Thank you (PS....we love your show)
-Reni Melendez

Bob sez:
no shirts at T.R.F. they're only available right now thru the website... sorry. d.b.

Date: 10/13/05   Subject: Hey Bob, oh and Smuj
I attend the Texas Ren Fest and enjoy your show every time I see it. Sorry to hear Smuj is retiring, but glad to hear the torch will be carried on.
I was part of the Flaming Idiots Crew here in Austin, and they just retired as well. I hear you all started at the Ren Fest around the same time. Rob is carrying on the Foot Sandwich tradition here in Austin at Ester's Follies.
Any who, since you will soon be handing over the reigns, are we allowed to videotape your show at Ren Fest?
Thanks for all the laughs and good times.

Bob sez:
Jenn, video is allowed for personal use. d.b.

Date: 10/12/05   Subject: your website
dear bob,
My husband has a bone to pick with you. He said " bob lied " coz u mentioned in the show that u have a website and he could not find it ( i was the one who found your website - haha) .
We loved ur show very much we find it very "humerus" !
-dd cool

Bob sez:
dd, your hubby is clearly outmatched. d.b.

Date: 10/12/05   Subject: your show
Hey Ded Bob,
My wife had such a great time at your show she gave up the chance to sleep with me to write you a letter! How do you feel about that?

Bob sez:
Clearly a woman who knows her priorities. d.b.

Date: 10/6/05   Subject: Great show
Hey Bob,
Just wanted to tell you that I saw your show for the first time at the Carolina Festival. My husband was Ned and my children and I never laughed so hard. You had my son jumping up on stage and rolling in the dirt, and he is normally a shy child. Anyway, you have made my husband a new man with a new name. Thanks for Bobmotizing him. Next time we see you, I hope I get to be on stage with you!!! I'd like to give you a bonk.

Bob sez:
Why...thankee miss elena. I'll look forward to that bonking...are we writing about the same thing? d.b.

Date: 10/12/05   Subject: Us Drunken But Gentle Mountain Folk Miss You!
Hey Ded Bob!
Colorado misses you, what can I say? Although try as I might you never pick me to be a zombie...That makes me sad:( Oh well I continue to go every year. Even if I see your show over and over I still think you are so hilarious! As for Sluj, Keep bringing him back! As soon as I scan my picture with you and Sluj I will send it. Thanks Handsome!
-Lady MannaBrae

Bob sez:
You are already a zombie...don't be greedy. d.b.

Date: 10/10/05   Subject: Ren Fest
How come you are never at scarborough fair in North Texas? I saw your show on Saturday, but wanna see it again in spring for my visit to scarborough fair. I am a bob zombie.
-Nicholas Darroh

Bob sez:
I will be there with my other dummy, puj. d.b.

Date: 10/9/05   Subject: todays show
First time i have seen your show. Thought it was great. Expecially enjoyed the zombies hard nipples every time bob bullshitted with her. Think it was the 2:30 show.

Bob sez:
mmmmmmm....nipples. d.b.

Date: 10/06/05   Subject: wooo hoooo another year!!!
sorry it has taken me so long to get back on here, but i caught the first show at the TRF and thank god im not the only one that had a great week last week!!!! Tom Delay's office is right down from my job and I hope he burns in heaven!!!! (i say heaven cause well my spot is already resevered in hell so i dont want him stinking up the place lol) Go Bob You Rawk!!!!
Faithful bobzombie (and also will be at your show this weekend at some point)

Bob sez:
Bring chicks and bucks, d.b.

Date: 10/04/05   Subject: Dang you are sexy
Hey bob
Hey Bob - you're a bit on the THIN side, but you're so funny it's downright cute. I'm sure my husband wouldn't mind going back to the Ren Fest a few more times this year so I can bounce around at your show... > All I need is to be a Bob Zombie and life would be complete! :BONK:
(really, tho, glad to have you back at the Tx Ren fest - see ya again soon. They haven't figured out how to get rid of us yet...)
-Sorcha Hysmith (Gryphonesse)

Bob sez:
Sorcha - wow, what a moniker...sounds pretty sexy. Dump your useless hubby and come get some necro-love, mamma. d.b.

Date: 10/03/05   Subject: smuj
Hey bob
i see you every year at our renaissance festival and i wanna say that my grandma loves you. but personally i like smuj better. you know, i bet you aren't that light. anyway stay funny and please continue to act like an old man. ( ewwww! ) To help your show, give the zombies silly string to spray the audience when they don't pay. It's better than egging them. Cookies Rule!
-princess fiona

Bob sez:
Silly String!!!!! Why didn't I think of that?!!! From now on, silly string will be a prominent feature of the ded bob sho....unless silly string costs money. d.b.
p.s. smuj likes cookies too.

Date: 09/30/05   Subject: are you single
are you the dead bob from the renaisance festival? if you are..... are you single?
yours truly,

Bob sez:
Yes, smuj is single... I'm afraid I'm at a loss...why would anyone give a crap about whether a stanky, fat moron like smuj is single? d.b.

Kelly replies:
Sorry...I meant Bob - In the last message I put "I mean you" and I didnt specify. I meant Bob....is Bob single *lol* Sorry about that ^^;

Bob sez:
Bob has more women than he can shake a stick at....of course, he's been shootin dust for centuries, so he's disease and pregnancy safe. d.b.

Date: 09/24/05   Subject: smuj
I noticed on your website that your dummy Smuj will be accompanying you to the Texas Renaissance Festival this year. Any chance there will be new material?
-Mandy Parker

Bob sez:
Maybe a new song and a new top ten list....maybe......maybe not. d.b.

Date: 09/21/05   Subject: H2O
We welcome you to the evil skool who needs to be Bobmotized!!!! We think it would be so AWESOME if you came for one day to do just that and have Bob Zombies of doom under your control! WE LOVE YOU!!!!
-Megan from Tucson Arizona

Bob sez:
Megan, I always wanted to go back to skool....but I think I'd prefer someplace with water. d.b.

Date: 09/21/05   Subject: Go and sin some more.
It was certainly great to see you again this year, as I have every year. In fact, so great that I am going to see you again one of these last few weekends before you take off. Who knows, maybe we might just get together ;)
-Megyn (Just Legal)

Bob sez:
Megyn, gluttony is a sin...go for it! d.b.

Date: 09/21/05   Subject: bob t.v.
hey i saw your show today at the festable in michigan i thought goin there was a waist of money but it wasnt it was the best thing i ever saw neway i just wanted to know if you are planning on having a tv show or a movie like "the dedbob show" or "dedbob completley insane :) neway just hit me back
-E Smacker

Bob sez:
Dear E smacker, if I did a t.v. show, I'd have to write new material every week...you can see my dilemma. d.b.

Date: 09/21/05   Subject: Halloween
dear bob and smuj,
i could blow smoke up your ass, and damn you with faint praise, but instead i'll get to the point. I would love to have you guys entertain at my holloween party. Now, i am only a humble little cog, and don't have much grease, but you guys would sure spin my wheel. So what do you say?? Are you available in michigan on october 29th? If not, could you recommend a bob like (and vastly inferior) show?
(bob you could come alone, i mean, you really don't need smuj do ya?)
thank you
-lisa grose

Bob sez:
Lisa, while I would like nothing better than to attend your party, I have to do laundry that night...bummer. However, if you're really serious about the smoke thing... d.b.

Date: 09/21/05   Subject: Peace
Hello sir, I just wanted to thank you for posting the picture of myself and my friend kathy up here, she just recently passed away in july of this year and it means a lot to see it our your website.
It will not be the same without here this year but I plan to be at your show and to get yet another picture with you since I know how much she just loved you. :)
Thanks again,

Bob sez:
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.
The best I can offer here is that I believe those who leave this crazy, brutal world are, finally, truly at peace. I'm an exception...thank your lucky stars for that.
Again, I offer my thoughts and wish you the best.

Date: 09/21/05   Subject: sue this...
Hey, I thought you had an amazing show. It surly made me laugh my fuckin ass off. I have not laughed that much in awhile. Thank you.
-Ms. Thang

Bob sez:
Dear MSthang,
If you peruse the bob correspondance archives, you will note that the dedbobsho [tm] assumes no responsibility for "ass" loss acquired during the sho. Former attempts at having the audience sign a release form have proved too time consuming, so we added a few lines to the legal mumbo jumbo that festival goers agree to when they enter the site. If you choose to persue legal action, I will swear before a court of law that you had no ass when you showed up...this has worked well in the past.

Date: 09/21/05   Subject: Who's in N.C.?
I moved to North Carolina this summer and I was bummed about not being able to go to the AZ Renaissance festival with my girls. Well I just found out about the NC Festival and seriously, made my day!! I was wondering are you going to be there? Or will that be Sluj or Puj?
-Miiichelle, my belle

Bob sez:
It will be sluj...the skinny blond dummy with the high voice. d.b.

Date: 09/21/05   Subject: "I hate the living"
Ded Bob is smart and cool. He is dead proof to back up the line from the movie Men in Black. "I hate the living".
-Mrs. Lunks

Bob sez:
Mrs. L, I don't exactly hate the living...just the way they behave. d.b.

Date: 08/30/05   Subject: toon bob
Hey Clark,
Thanks for all the great shows over the years. I brought my son to see your show over the weekend and now he's been Bobmotized. He loved the show. Bob is such a strong character. I could see him as an animated character on Cartoon Network or Nickelodeon.
Anyways, great to see Bob will live on with younger "Dummies" coming up the ranks. Continued success and health. Take care,

Bob sez:
Ken, Thanks for your kind words. As to a ded bob cartoon show...hmmm. Maybe on [adult swim]

Date: 08/28/05   Subject: michigan festival
Hi. I just saw your show a few weeks ago at the Michigan Renaissance Festival (my mom played FiFi in your act) and so I looked up your site. I was just wondering who sluj is.
-Sir Johann

Bob sez:
He's one of a growing army of new dummies. Soon my army of ded bob zombies will be too huge to resist, and I will rule the world... til then,
Yours, d.b.

Date: 08/26/05   Subject: Say What?
Yo D-Dog!
What's up my skellotizzle??? Ok, I won't fashizzle anymore if you won't. Hey man (or former man), I'll be in Michigan over Labor Day! Yep, making the trek from the bowels of the desert known as Phoenix to check out the Michigan babes, and your show as well of course. Been counting down the days for like a month or sixty days or whatever but I'm so excited right now I could kiss Barbara's bush! Or her ass (I don't mean G. Dub). Ok, I'm not that excited. But it will be great to see you. And yes, it will even be nice to see Smuj. However, and I don't want Smuj to get all pissed off or anything, it was really easy to get hooked on Sluj. That tomato puree smelling skinny bastard is funnier than watching old people parallel park!!! Anyway, I know you'd like me to bring you 10 virgins as a gift for you to despoil but I'll bring cash instead (hard to find even one virgin of age anymore these days). Until September 3rd, stay cool Ded man, Ded and cool.
-Joseph the Merchant

Bob sez:
Well quit yakkin, and come-on-withit, homes. d.b.

Date: 08/04/05   Subject: Bobbi
Bobbi. Can I call you Bobbi? Anyway...
I love you. Your Sluj dummy was great, but Colorado misses Smuj a whole lot. Listen, Bobbi..I know you're dead and all but anytime you just want to hookup, you call me.
- <3 Gwynnevere Milner

Bob sez:
You can call me Bobbi... if we 'hook-up'... send naked pix. d.b.

Date: 08/03/05   Subject: Gotta see your show
Ha I really like your show but don't get to see your show any more since your show is on either right before or after and even same time as ours. I work with the Highland games at tod city(Plantersville). I tell any friends that come to see us to also see your show above anything else( except ours of coerce. hopefully I will get to see you this year.
-Mike Hutton

Bob sez:
Thanks Mike, maybe someday your partners will all get sick and you can come see the show... good luck with that. d.b.

Date: 07/27/05   Subject: #1 fan!
hello Ded bob i would do anything just to be able to follow you around! your so hilarious!!! um.....I will see you again in october in Texas I've got all your songs memorized! i'm so glad your in the faire bussiness!i've been there twice and i'll see you again though I'm always in the back of the audience. have you met the captain jack Sparrow that works at the Colorado fairie?

Bob sez:
Which Jack Sparrow? They're spreading like fungus nowadays. d.b.

Date: 07/26/05   Subject: Just some love
Hey Ded Bob!!!
I'm originally from Bryan/College Station, Tx and use to attend TRF each year. Never missed a show of yours and now, I am deeply saddend. I moved up to Fairfax, Virginia and just went to your site to bring back memories. Please, please...find a fair somewhere near VA or DC that you can bring your show too!!! You need to DOMINATE the world.
Love and 38c boobs,

Bob sez:
Stay tuned to this station, you never know where I'm going to show up nowadays... d.b.

Date: 07/24/05   Subject: Yo Bob
Yo Bob this is Will. I saw your show at the Co. ren. fair last year and had to come back to see you this year. Two words FUKING HILARIOUS. I took the picture of you sitting in the second row while people were leaving. Then I had to go buy a hat. Need to support you so you can make it next year. Until next time ded man.
-Will Martinez

Bob sez:
I'll be back... bring chicks. d.b.

Date: 07/16/05   Subject: Hey
hey i've seen your show every year since my birth...i was born in october ...my parents took me the three weeks and some odd days after...i am now 15 years of age, and a proud lover of ded bob. i would steal you and do naughty things to you behind the globe theatre..though you moved to another place..if you had a pulse..because you are one hot bastard..assuming you were born out of wedlock that is, if you werent, i appologize for calling you a bastard. Well all kidding aside, i really do like your show, and was one of the young 8 year olds who got it, and parents were shocked that they got it, but hey...like i said three and a half weeks after i was born. So, i write you saying..im in love with you, and you show is brilliant, every part of it..and those freaks that get mad at you for saying bad things about buch, need to read the paper..watch the news, well maybe not those, because media lies..but anyways, this is gettin rather long, and you probably are starting on that new material...oh thats funny new material..oh i crack myself up, and so do you. You are So Funny, its one of my favorite parts of the festival, thank you for writing it.
a fan for life, i had no say in the matter,

Bob sez:
Kaitlynn, I love you too....long time. Save yourself for me only. d.b.

Date: 07/03/05   Subject: hey bob!
Hey BOB! Hard core ded bob fan here! how would you feel if someone made a movie about you(not smuj/sluj) ded bob. would you be willing to star in it? think of it. . . a movie about the life of DED BOB!!!
-Scott Pence, hard core ded bob fan

Bob sez:
Hardcore, there is a film in production as we write. d.b.

Date: 07/03/05   Subject: hey bob!
Hey BOB! Hard core ded bob fan here! how would you feel if someone made a movie about you(not smuj/sluj) ded bob. would you be willing to star in it? think of it. . . a movie about the life of DED BOB!!!
-Scott Pence, hard core ded bob fan

Bob sez:
Hardcore, there is a film in production as we write. d.b.

Date: 06/23/05   Subject: FanMail
Dear DB and sluj or puj or smuj or judje or any more 'ujes' i missed, i just wrote to say you have a killer show any your songs pwn the most at the ren fair. hope you guys will keep comeing to the denver ren fair cuz it is so totaly sweet-much. later bob dude.

(PS) This is the refrain
It sticks in your brain
O-Do-Dah-Day is your next line

i love that song^_^

Bob sez:
Dear "Me"
If I had nerves, I'd be on the verge of a nervous breakdown at receiving an e-mail from "me". I don't remember contemplating it, writing it, or sending it. This is very disturbing, and I'll have to take even more time off to research this whole twisted affair. [*note to all interested parties: smuj's continued absence can now be attributed directly to "Me".] d.b.

Date: 06/13/05   Subject: Smuj messed up
Hey BOB!
sorry. had to. anyway I noticed a miss-spelling on the christmas son rudolph the roadkill reindeer as seen below:

On that foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say
Even thoough we'll miss our friend
Tonight we're eating venisen

you see, though is spelled with two o's, I know bob, that this is not your fault. So tell smuj to take some typing lessons. :-) see you this fall,

Bob sez:
Mike...thank you for pointing out this inexcusable error. smuj is hanging from my ceiling fan by his nads for two weeks as punishment. A team of scientists is looking into this grievous breach of etiquette and a suitable solution should be coming forthwith. Again Mike...Thank You. Your dedication to detail is greatly appreciated and your "gold star" for spelling has been submitted to the advisory board for assessment.
[Er, fearing the same punishment, I've fixed it now - the DB webmaster]

Date: 06/05/05   Subject: Fan mail
Hi Bob from Michigan!
First let me thank you for recognizing Michigan as the "Smart-ass capital of the world"... we truly are your people! Also, big thanks for coming back each year despite the idiots that run our Faire. Please have all the wenches you want while here... we'll supply more if you just keep coming back!
Besides complimenting you on perfecting how funny your show is, it's the little things that really make it so great to watch. Whether it's yelling at the kids sitting on the ground up front that this is NOT Ded Bob's Day Care... or bitch-slapping a heckler... or hearing the really funny comments said under your breath that most of the crowd doesn't even catch... these are the things that truly make your show so great.
Thanks for being there every year for us, Bob... and for being such a hero to all the teachers and nurses.
-Carl Hitch

Bob sez:
Why thankee Mr. Carl. It's attaboys like that that make it all worth while... that and the money. d.b.

Date: 05/24/05   Subject: questions
  1. Is your show becoming more (PG)?
  2. Were you as short as now, when you were alive (do bones shrink?)
  3. Smuj seems to be getting younger/thinner (from the pics... havenít been to the Ren. Faire in a couple years). Whatís going on?
  4. I usually go for guys with brains, but I always kind of thought Smujís arms and legs looked hot. Does he have a girlfriend?
Bobmatized Hottie 4-Eva!
-Alexandra Wood

Bob sez:
Yow! so many questions...
"more [pg]"....don't think so, but maybe you're getting more nc17.
"getting shorter"......smuj is, I'm not.
"younger..thinner".....you apparently saw me with my new dummy...go here: http://www.dedbob.com/news.htm
"smuj...girlfriend"....smuj doesn't really do girlfriends very well, he's more of a hit and runner.
Thanks for your interest, d.b.

And it came to pass that ignorance ruled the land and superstition and fear were upon the masses.
And the masses were manipulated by those who put on a face of knowledge about that which is unknowable thus inventing religion.
And they called it "that which cannot be named"; which is ironic.
And they also called it "yahweh" and "jah" and "god" and "the big kahuna" and I think "murphy"
And the masses were so f'ing ignorant that they believed the feeble b.s. and prayed to the fiction as if it were true.
And the manipulaters told lies to divide those who had their own beliefs from those who were too unsophisticated to realize they were being led like cattle.
And the masses were told that those who didn't believe as they did hated them and were unholy.
And the manipulaters told many lies about enemies that did not exist and put fear in the hearts of the ignorant masses.
And the masses took up arms in their ignorance and became monstrous pawns in a war of lies, but were just doing their jobs.
And the manipulaters sold weapons to both sides and got filthy rich and it was good........ for the manipulaters.
And the peace-lovers, the skeptics and the curmudgeons, who knew it was bullshit made a mighty noise.
And they were shouted down by 'patriots' which is another name for 'nationalist'.
And that is like saying 'my country's better than your country' which is also known as 'bigotry'.
And the children and the innocent bystanders and the peace-lovers were caught in the crossfire.
And the innocent suffered for the dumbshit true believers who never learn.

And then it happened again and again and again and again and again.............

And as long as people act like sheep and believe crap just because their parents and everyone else does it will continue.

Date: 05/23/05   Subject: Michigan???
Dear Ded,
I didn't get my fill of your loathsome humor in Arizona so I'm headed up to Michigan over Labor Day weekend to check out more of your womanizing evil ways (I'm looking for more tips on how to spoil a woman's virtue and Sluj seems to be good at it). I know Sluj has had a passion for Minnesota in a past life but I'm glad to see that he will be in Michigan. I haven't seen Puj yet and Smuj is great as well. But Sluj rocks!!! Um, aside from that hint of tomato purťe when he stands close to you. Keep your sockets peeled for me and my cohort in Ren crime and beer drinking, Alan the Traveler over Labor Day. Regarrrrrrds,
-Joseph the Merchant - Purveyor of Short Term Romance and Master in the Perusal of all things Lusty

Bob sez:
sluj won't be in Michigan, mr. smarty-face, smuj will. smuj owns Michigan... if sluj showed up there, they'd lynch him and make him listen to tapes of the moron president-appointee destroying the English language. d.b.

Date: 05/21/05   Subject: Mess O'Potamia
I appreciate your war quotes. My job is to catch he returning soldiers in a safety net and help them debrief after all the death, mayhem and destruction they have had to endure. The VA Hospitals have some marvelous programs in place to neutralize the traumas suffered by our soldiers. I pray the conflict will soon be over and our sons and daughters can come home.
God bless you Clark
-Dave Stephensen

Clark says:
Dave, thanks for your letter. I can't tell you how reassuring it is to hear that.
I live in Texas and while I'm sure there are like minded people around here, most of my neighbors are flag-wavers and pseudo-christians. Everyone keeps asking me why I retired, and though it's partly because I'm tired of traveling, the main reason is because I'm feeling less and less interested in participating in the abomination known as the United States of America.
This country reminds me of the all the spoiled brats in "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" [The good version with Gene Wilder]. And in a way, sadly, the moron president-appointee is a very accurate representative of america....a filthy-rich, ignorant, spoiled brat who's had everything handed to him. No wonder the rest of the world hates us... I hate us... or rather what cut-throat capitalism has made us.
The supreme irony is all the people who are participating in this sickening war-for-profit calling themselves followers of Jesus. If the man really existed and really said and believed what is attributed to him, my guess he would have nothing to do with anyone who kills people they don't know for a paycheck.

Date: 05/18/05   Subject: Got Fudge?
Oh magnificent ded bob,
Looking at your schedule here on the web site I see you will still be forced to put up with Smuj when you grace us with your presence at the hoopla in hollygrove. While I realize that you surely must prefer your younger and more train able zombies we here in Michigan are strangely thankful to have Smuj back. We far perfer the horridly disfigured zombie we know and have come to love than some new hooded disaster we don't know. Well that and it would seem that women here in Michigan like ugly men, that of is of course likely the only reason why a walking eyesore like myself can find a date. Since only you know how much longer you will put up with smuj for even the scant two times you manage to put up with him now I would like to bring something for smuj. And since I'm going to Mackinaw island (home of the worlds greatest fudge) I thought it fitting since we all know "you like women he likes fudge". So I have to ask what kind of fudge does smuj eat and does it need to be sugar free? And don't worry bob I'll make certain it's hand delivered by a busty blond just for you.
Your most devout ded-bob-zombie

Bob sez:
Yes, please. And sugar free would be great. [smuj would kill me if he could read that, but his pancreas is all but useless] If that makes no sense, go here: http://www.well-connected.com/rreports/doc42full.html

Date: 04/30/05   Subject: Fan mail
BOB! I have seen your show like 5 times and it kicks ass!! You seem to have one of the best jobs in the world ( well if you didnít have to be carried around by some stupid faceless oaf!) Porn seems like the only better job. Just one question... How much do ya rake in doing this?? Seems to me a fortune! If itís half as much as I think it is, I wanna start the ded fred show =p
Just kidding on ripping off greatness hehe Just wanted you to know your show is the highlight of the TRF... well and the ladies who wear nothing under their chain mail!!
-Kirk Ridge (Bobmotized zombie #74386040)

Bob sez:
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, chain mail. d.b.

Date: 04/30/05   Subject: Come to Florida! Please??
Bob! My husband, that lucky schmuck gets to see you at the Georgia Faire tomorrow (May 1- your first show - his name is Ken) and I'm stuck down here in Florida with no Ded Bob! I know you hate whining but if I flash my cleavage at you will you come down? Even if I don't get to see you, do me a favor and BONK Ken for me :-)
Seriously though, Florida needs a good dose of Ded Bob. Next season please consider coming down to one of the bigger faires. Heck, we want you down here so much I'm even willing to do the research for you. Let me know.
Big smooch to you and a pat on the head for your dummy.

Bob sez:
Keep checking the site....it could happen. d.b.

Date: 04/27/05   Subject: awesome
hey i just want to say that i ded bob is f'ing awesome and his show is kicks so much ass well see ya fuckers. oh yeah my name is jeff myers
-jeff myers

Bob sez:
Doooooooooooooooooooooooooood! d.b.

Date: 04/26/05   Subject: hi
hi my name is judy and your awseome. can i have your autograph? i would be worth more since you ded
-Judy Lauriault

Bob sez:
No autographs... they're stupid. d.b.

Date: 04/21/05   Subject: Great Show
Hay ded Bob
Saw your show last Saturday in GA. Its was Great looking foreword to seeing an other one in a couple of weeks. Sure would like a shirt. You have a Great way about making people laugh
-Chuck Wall

Bob sez:
Thanks Chuck - see you next time. You can get shirts here:

Date: 04/21/05   Subject: Handing over the reigns
Hey, Smuj and Sluj,
I dunno how to feel about the changeover. I understand of course, but I'm a little sad. I'm wondering what Smuj is doing now? What has retirement brought? Out of curiosity, I ask. :) After doing the same damn thing for so long... whats next on the menu?

Bob sez:
smuj is in lazy heaven. d.b.

Date: 04/20/05   Subject: your schedule
Master Bob:
Could we your humble zombies get a clue as to what your schedule is or where might you make an appearance? Your schedule for example does not say you will be at the Georgia festival but this forum and their website indicate the contrary. I guess I am hoping that I will be able to make it to those festivals where you will be this year. As I wrote you on a previous email after seeing you in Carolina last year, my husband and I have been bobmitized forever.

Bob sez:
Ded Bob schedule:

Now thru May: Georgia, Scarborough Faire [near Dallas]
June/July: Colorado
August/Sept: Michigan
Oct/Nov: North Carolina, Texas Rn Fst [Houston]

I am currently negotiating for: Minnesota, Bristol Faire [north of Chicago], Great Lakes Festival in Ohio, King Richard's Faire [Boston]

glorichem replies:
Some of the festivals you list are concurrent. Does this mean that both sluj and smuj are working and that you have mastered the ability to be in two places at once?

Bob sez:
I have mastered that and many other feats that I'm too bored to waste on mortals. d.b.

Date: 04/20/05   Subject: Atlanta
Well Mr. BOB!!
I see you decided to come back to Atlanta after all! We came to the faire on Sunday and my husband thought I had lost my mind when I looked at the program and saw that "DED BOB" had returned! We attended the 2:00 pm show and promptly got my hubby "BOB-MO-TIZED" After laughing wildly, and thoroughly enjoying the show, we gave our money to the flaky blond (I can say that since I am blond too, well , ok, I have some help from the chemicals, BUT non the less, still blond!) Thank you Bob for adding a great giggle to an already glorious day!
-Cheryl and Adam Lipman

Bob sez:
tanx, d.b.

Date: 04/20/05   Subject: Hello Mr.Bob
Ded bob-
Hi I went to your show in Arizona and heard some of your awsome jokes. But while I was there I relized that you should get some more sing along songs. And I was wondering do you remember a girl wearing a punk shirt and bright green shoe laces, because that was me. any way I love your show and think its awsome and I wish you would stay longer in Arizona.

Bob sez:
Twig-muffin, of course I remember you, you were wearing a pink shirt and you had bright green shoelaces. Next year, I was thinking of doing more sing-a-long songs....what d'ya think? d.b.

Twiggy replies:
Ded bob dude that would be awsome if you came up wiht new songs and im glad you remember me "Twiggy the water-skiing squirrel" - yes, I am fully aware that I'm Crazy! AND YOU CANT HURT ME BECAUSE IM STUPID!!!!

Date: 04/19/05   Subject: Photos for you
Hey -
I wanted to let you know that I loved seeing the show at the Ga RenFest. It was great!!! I shot some photos of it and posted them to my website. If you want, you're more than welcome to copy and use them as you wish. They're at: http://www.chiptalbert.com/photo-album/ga-ren-fest05-dedbob/default.htm
Thanks for doing such a funny show. I hope to catch it again before the Ga faire ends this year.
Best always -
-Chip Talbert (www.chiptalbert.com)

Bob sez:
Chip, easily some of the best photos ever shot of my show. Thanks muchly. d.b.

Date: 04/18/05   Subject: I'm a Bob zombie!
Dear Ded Bob,
I used to watch your show every time you came to the Georgia Renaissance Festival. I was really sad when you stopped coming. I don't know if that was Georgia's doing or just a personal choice, but whatever the case -- I miss your show. The festival isn't the same without you (and Smuj)! I remember one year my mom was one of your zombies (one who jumped up and down a lot). It was awesome. She even won a free shirt! Once I was of legal age I looked forward to being a Bob zombie, but then you didn't come back. I'm sure you're making some other girls very happy though. I was excited to find your website because now I can keep up with what's going on in your world. You rock!
-Lindsay from Atlanta

Bob sez:
Duh, I'm in Georgia right now! d.b.

Date: 04/18/05   Subject: *Happy Dance*
Dear Ded Bob,
After seeing your show many times over the past 4 years @ TRF, I was elated to find you were putting in an appearance at Scarborough Faire. This past Sunday you made one of my dreams come true when you picked me as Zombie #3/ Fifi ! Thank you so much for the honor of being part of your show.
Love Ďdem bones,
-Alexis Hull

Bob sez:
You're most welcome, lassie. Come again and bring all of your girlfriends. d.b.

Date: 04/17/05   Subject: PLEASE?!
Please ded bob will you convince the manager to let me have a wedding at the Texas Ren Fest so you can walk me down the aisle?! I want 2 b bobmotized!!!!!!
-Tashanna Hawkins

Bob sez:
You can contact the festival if you want to rent the chapel... or, if you want a cheap hook-up, I am an ordained minister of the Universalist Life Church. d.b.

Date: 04/17/05   Subject: Fan letter!
Bob ...
I was thrilled to see that you were back at Georgia Renaissance Festival this year! I knew immediately that smuj wasn't with you, but sluj seems to be pretty good -- for a slave, that is. I can only say Welcome Back to GARF and you're a primary reason people like me attend the festival. The last time you were in Georgia, I was the very last "Ned" on the very last day of the festival. You gave all of us our choice of Bob t-shirts and I picked the "Many moods" one. I still have it and wear it.
Nice to see you again!

Bob sez:
Glad to be back...Jack. d.b.

Date: 04/17/05   Subject: Videos, man, videos
I live in Portsmouth, VA, and i used to live in Houston. Your show was one of the main attractions for me and my family every year at Ren Fest. I tell My friends all the time about your show and saying this I think you should sell videos of your live performances. I think your show would do great stuff if you got out there more. I think you would rock on comedy central. But for now....please think about the videos, that would be awesome.
ps. Love the smuj/sluj idea, you look great!
-Cody Green

Bob sez:
Coming soon, dude. Keep checking the website. d.b.

Date: 04/12/05   Subject: Hey BOB!!!
Are you ever coming back to the Atlanta Ren Fest? It's not bee the same without you. PLEASE work out something to come back to the good ole south again!!!!

Bob sez:
Vince, just read the rest of the mail on this page... and rejoice. d.b.

Date: 04/07/05   Subject: Hey Ded Bob!-GA Ren Fest
Hey What? Are you gonna be at the GA Ren fest opening weekend? Looking forward to being Bobmotized! We have missed you in Georgia!
-Kris Beauregard

Bob sez:
I'll be there with my new dummy, sluj. He's leaner, cleaner, but just as dumb. It will be me, but I'll have a new voice and more energy. Give him time, he'll grow on you....kind of like pubic hair. [I have no idea what I meant by that.] d.b.

Date: 04/06/05   Subject: WELL HELLO BOB

Bob sez:
O, how droll....I'll have to postpone my trip to Venice now, because your razor wit has crushed my self confidence. NOT!! By the way, from the look of the picture you sent, it appears that you're a 'working' girl. Have I ever....? d.b.

Date: 04/06/05   Subject: Autograph...
wow hi ded bob. i wnated to say your awseome. can i get you autograph? when i die i wanaa show all my dead friends.your so awseome. you really are. what happened to smuj? i heard you replced. him. well at leatds you happy right?
-judy lauriault

Bob sez:
Judy...is it? Here's my autograph:

OH, THAT'S JUST GREAT!!!!#$%^&%$ - I just ruined my computer screen with a Sharpie! Thanks a lot....JUDY!!!!

Date: 04/06/05   Subject: online bobmotization...
Dear Ded Bob,
Greetings. How is Yonder tree? I was wondering if could get bobmatized over the Internet. Now, The reason is I am a poor person and I can't go to the Ren Fest and I missed you on a school trip BECAUSE YOU WERENT THERE! Wait, you were, you were at the entrance where the fat kid was asking if you were girlfriends on Jr.High Day. I AM THE FAT KIDDD!!! Help me out.
-Joe "X" Gregoire, 13

Bob sez:
Joe, no problem. Go here: http://www.dedbob.com/getstuf.htm - look into the eyesockets depicted at that webpage and repeat the following SIX times:
I been BOBMOTIZED. I'm a BOB ZOMBIE. Here, BOB, have my dad's VISA.
Then, all you have to do is send me your dad's VISA, and you're in. d.b.

Date: 04/05/05   Subject: huzzah!
I am a fellow Rennie from the Carolina Renaissance Festival. The 2004 year was mine and my mothers first year.My mother ran the mud/dedbob stages and I was Prince Henry's groupie. I adore the show and I always will... I do not think that I will ever get the lyrics of "Ded bob Zombies" out of my head...we still sing it for fun. Although I never got to me smuj,(I spent my crf year with sluj) I still honestly believe that the show has always and will always be the best show ever seen in a Renaissance festival. I truly look forwrd to CRF 2005 and to see what is in store for us in the Ded Bob show.
Thanks for contributing to my many wonderful memories of CRF 2004. Love ya,
-Elizabeth Cobb

Bob sez:
Huzzah yourself, young lassie. And a hearty Hey Nonny Nonny as well. d.b.

Date: 04/04/05   Subject: Got to see Clark!
Hey Clark,
I was at the AZ Renaissance Festival this past Sunday, 4/3. I was there a couple weeks ago and knew that it wasn't you. But I was surprised when I went on Sunday to see that you were there. I thought it looked like you had lost weight. I was just writing to say thank you for stopping by, making my day, and making me, and a lot of other people, laugh. When you have been attending the festival for as long as I have, it feels like you become family with performers even though you don't personally know them. I can only imagine how close all the performers become after so many years together.
Thank you for all the laughs!

Bob sez:
Well thankee there bub. Always nice to read a verbal pat on the back.....bone. d.b.

Date: 04/02/05   Subject: Thank you!
Hi Smudge, I only heard today why you were'nt at the AZ festival this year, my wife and I missed you, we knew immediatly that Bob had a new dummy, but he did a good job and we enjoyed it, you picked a very good understudy or buyer, or whatever. I't won't be the same though without you, we saw you at the AZ fair for the last 7 years. I was told today that you have cancer. I am a cancer survivor of 5 yrs now. I had stage 4 squemis-cell throat cancer, had radical neck surgery and extensive radiation therapy. This all happened between the festival dates, and I did not miss your show even when I was ill and healing. I wish the best for you, and want you to know that my wife and I love you and are greatful for the joy you have givin us thru the years, you are a true trubador, and a man of special spirit and talent. That's all I can say now, other than "Thank You" my friend for being you and Bob.
your sincere friend's in Mesa, AZ,
-Tom & Leonora Caswell

Bob sez:
Leonora, smuj does NOT have cancer. He quit the show because he's the laziest creature on the planet. Repeat.....NOT CANCER. d.b.

Date: 04/01/05   Subject: you rock
dear ded bob
Your show is the greatest thing ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You should visit a site almost as funny as you its a squirrel named foamy he is second in line for ruler of the world you are first (duh) .now about my ingnorant bro chris briggs he wrote to you a while back he is dumb so am I. nice letter your words spoke to me these words were chris one word 'spellcheck' so sluj not smug he was that ugly. why do you do your shows at the renisans fair (sorry if i got spelling wrong) your supirierness should be shown on tv I got to go astalapasta old mc bobble
-zack briggs

Bob sez:
zacko, rock, I do. d.b.

Date: 03/31/05   Subject: You mean, sexy machine!
This was my forst year at the AZ Ren Fest and my boyfriend (who just happened to be "Ned" in your show) took me to watch you. You should have just BOBnotized him to oblivion and we could have hit it off! :) I loved your show and Sluj. I never met Smuj, so I can't give an opinion on him. I will make sure to go see you every year from now on... maybe I can get lucky! Latino women make great lovers, you know? (I hope Darren doesn't read this!).

Bob sez:
Viva latina bonita lolita hachacha!!!! [whatever that means.] Dump your impotent Ned-lump and come get a real stiff! Yours, d.b.

Date: 03/29/05   Subject: I Love U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Ded Bob,
I Know u love big boobies, but every now and then could u pick some of us who are less gifted. PLEASE!!!!!!!!
Sincerly yours,
-Ani Paramore, 13

Bob sez:
Please send numerous photos of your 'condition' and I'll consider your request.
[please note: ample boobage is a comedy choice not an aesthetic choice....I rather like diminutive frontals. Also: if the "13" at the end of your email represents your age....disregard the first sentence.]  d.b.

Date: 03/29/05   Subject: hey bob
i liked this years show oh and kill the ignorent fools! Well by the way you are awsome. im nine and stupid this year you said all the smart kids leave and i didnt leave becouse im stupid and dumb. my hole family loves the show including me!
we named our dog after your slave smuj.
-chris briggs

Bob sez:
Chris, one word: 'spellcheck' ...and that makes three now... dogs named smuj.... d.b.

Date: 03/28/05   Subject: hi
dedbob how r u doing

Bob sez:
k.  d.b.

Littlebit replies:
i loved youur e mail dedbob. it was fantastic

Bob sez:
'Fantastic' smacks of hyperbole. 'Thrilling' would be more accurate by my reckoning. Bless you in any case, wee one. d.b.

Date: 03/27/05   Subject: So disappointed.
Dear Ded Bob -
We are so disappointed. We moved to Florida two years ago after living in Michigan where we were able to partake for years as an audience members of the Ded Bob show at the Michigan Renaissance Festival. Today we are going to our first Bay Area Renaissance Festival in Tampa and NO DED BOB SHOW!!!!!!!!!!
This is awful. How can you go to a Renaissance Festival without DED BOB??? Oh well, we will just go and walk around and drink beer and tell everyone in a costume we see that the best show of any Renaissance Festival is the DED BOB show and that they don't know what they are missing by not having DED BOB and Smuj!!!
Please, please tell us that you will find your way to the Bay Area Renaissance Festival next year. We need our DED BOB fix!!!
Deseparately Seeking Ded Bob in Florida
-David and Kerry Koppin

Bob sez:
SUCCUBUS!!!!!!!! There's only so much of me to go around! Would you have me stretched so thin? Your memories will have to suffice. d.b.

Date: 03/26/05   Subject: More like you
Certainly the festivals need more acts like yours. In preparation to attending the Carolina faire, I went to the website and learned of your show. Almost immediately I went t to your website and was kind of surprised to learn one of the places you started was the Maryland Renaissance Festival. My husband has been a part of it since it was in Symphony woods and he said he remebered you. I was surprised because lately I have seen this trend of toning down acts, presenting shows that are kid friendly, performers having to watch what they say. I asked to talk yo you in Carolina but was surprised by the fact that it was sluj and not smuj so he had no clue what I was talking about when I mentioned MD. In any case, congrats on you act and please continue to push the envelope as we ALL need to be entertained and not just the little ones. The only regret I have to express about your retirement is that it looks like I will miss you show this year as it looks like we will not be able to make it to the shows that you do perform at.
Long Live Ded Bob

Bob sez:
I feel your pain.
Flocks of un-evolved evangelist/fascists have been running for office while the rest of us were distracted with a good economy. As a result, anything offensive to the hypocrites who engage in religious indoctrination can expect to be censored soon.
Thanks for tuning in, d.b.

Date: 03/23/05   Subject: wuts up
hey bob i just wanted to say i just went to your show at the renaissance in arizona and it was hilarious i thought it was great how you improvised some of your lines and how you told your jokes they were awsome

Bob sez:
Frog, I like your handle. d.b.

Date: 03/22/05   Subject: Report
Dear Ded Bob,
For School I am doing a report you and sluj and it would really help if you could tell me more about you and sluj. Also I am really obssed with you. your SOOOOOO HOT!!!!! Also when I was 5 you asked me to me to marry you AND IF YOU REMEBER THAT I'll still marry you because you so Frickin Awsome dude. BYE DED BOB I LOVE YOU
-Camille Terry 13 Tucson AZ

Bob sez:
Camile, I'm not sure what there is to tell you about sluj. Yes, he is 'HOT' as you say, but that could be due to his 'Dengue Fever'. d.b.

Date: 03/21/05   Subject: Feedback from Arizona
Hey there,
We went the Arizona Ren Fair over this past weekend March 21st, 2005. I wanted to give a little feedback. We are huge fans of Ded Bob I have taken many friends to the fair over the past 7 years and always see the show, my eight year old even tells some of the jokes we have heard. I must admit my family was pretty disappointed in Slug. The show was just not the same with the new "VOICE", few new jokes but just not the same. Listening to people you could see and hear the disappointment on their faces and voices. When will the original person be back? As I said my family are huge fans and really bumbed out a different person performed.
Thanks, keep up the good work

Bob sez:
You'll take your sluj and like it, bucko. Or Else!!!! d.b.

Date: 03/21/05   Subject: Hey Ded Bob!!
ur show is totally AWESOME!!!!!!!My family comes and sees it evry year.Yesterday we went to the Fest. and u picked the ladie right in front of us!!i've nvr seen u so close b4 it was sooooo cool.I also have an idea, usually u pick adults 2 be ur zombies ( excuse me, BOBzombies) and ya know we kids wanna be picked too!!! just think of all the moo-laa ull get from our parents 4 choosing us 2 be in ur show!I get a lot of money 4 my birthday and save most of it 4 the Ren. Fest here in AZ, so i fu pick me, maybe some of that money will go 2 U?( wink, wink, nudge, nudge)oh, and tell Sluj I said Hi!
Ur Future BOBzombie,
-Emily Bulkley

Bob sez:
Emily, save your money and invest it in spelling lessons. d.b.

Date: 03/20/05   Subject: letter
Hey Bob your show at the Renaissance Fair is so tight with your jokes and hilarious songs just crakes everyone up I might as well call you a laugh-a-thon because you never stop making them laugh.
Your Zombie,
-Briana D.

Bob sez:
I reject your accusation that I "crakes" anyone up. It is a lie and an outrage! Cease these libelous charges or I'll be forced to take legal actions. d.b.

Date: 03/18/05   Subject: Ded Bob - the funniest living ded guy on the planet!
hey Ded Bob! I got the chance to see you show at the TRF a few months ago (Octiober was a few months ago....right?) Anyways, I saw you show on my birthday and it was aweosme. It was a great 14th birthday present, and I wont forget it. I doubt you saw me. I was on the left side of the stage, youre right side, on the 3rd row from the front (good view of Zombie 1 which I was fortunate to see a little after the show), and 4 or 5 in at the 2:00 P.M show (seriously doubt you do 2 A.M shows, i woulda gone if you did). You couldnt miss me if you saw me. Black and maroon ren wear. I loved your show and almost fell off my seat. I wanted to stay and watch your show some more, but we had to go eat and get back to camp. I liked you song,its still stuck in my head and its march. Anyways, I think this gives you enough to read for now. You gonna be at TRF in October again? Be another great birthday present for me.
Your #1 fan (dont worry about the other people that say this. Im THE #1 fan)
P.S.-Whats the minimum cut-off age for zombies? Ill be holding a sign next time if its 15 or older.

Bob sez:
Of course I saw you.
You were on the left side of the stage, my right side, on the 3rd row from the front. You probably had a [good view] of zombie #1. If I remember correctly, you were wearing a black and maroon rennie outfit. Oh, how you laughed...nearly fell off your seat, as I recall. Nice to hear from you. d.b.

Date: 03/18/05   Subject: Oh, baby...
I cannot wait to see you on Easter Sunday, in Arizona, as every year, Mr. Ded Bob, every year you get me all hot and bothered...that is, when you are not saying, "was your mother a poodle?" to me, as I have curly red hair. We could have beautiful children.
Look for me, I will be looking for you,

Bob sez:
Ooooo baby oooooo baby, here I come. Bring your libido and something slippery. d.b.

Date: 03/15/05   Subject: hey db
Hey Bob whats up bob your show is awsome

Bob sez:
Clouds. d.b.

Date: 03/14/05   Subject: what's wrong with Florida
Dear Ded Bob
Well, the ren. festival down here has been going on for weeks (Tampa, Florida) and there has been no sign of you! What the heck! Afraid of a few alligators? I've been checking the web site to see if you were going to come down....but NOOOOO. If I want to see Smudg I'll have to go out of state. Maybe you'll consider doing the Tampa festival next year? (hint, hint)
-Susan, A Damnsel (not in distress yet)

Bob sez:
What guarantees can you give me that fabulous hot virgins will be ready to serve my slightest whim? d.b.

Susan replies:
Dear Ded,
This is Florida. We have sunshine. We have beaches. Most of our "hot babes" haven't been virgins for years! (Now that I think of it, has that ever stopped you?) We aren't good at voting and we have controversy galore. You'd blend right in! Anyway, it would still be nice to have a good, if not legitimate excuse to go to the Ren. Fest down here!
Think it over....a little sun might do you good!

Bob sez:
Susan, isn't the ignorant, war-mongering, psuedo-president's brother the governor there? That's good enough reason to never set foot there. d.b.

Date: 03/14/05   Subject: whts up
Wht is up bob? I just wanted to know why are the animals on tht crazy farm song all crazy like like the nicotine addicted rooster. now where the heck did he git tht?
-Alex Sanders

Bob sez:
You seem to be having trouble with your 'a' key. Get that fixed and then I'll chat with you. d.b.

Date: 03/14/05   Subject: We're saddened, but thanks
Dear Clark,
First let me apologize for this intrusion, but I felt compelled to send you this email.
Yesterday I attended the Ren Fair in Arizona and I as I have for years (but I admit, I have been absent for the past two years due to work conflicts), the first thing I did was beeline for the Ded Bob Show. As he show began, I turned in confusion to look at my wife and she nodded that she also realized that the performer was not the comic we had come to love over the years. The show was good and we we had several laughs and guffaws, but I felt a little empty knowing that something had changed. Right when we got home I went to the www.dedbob.com website and the splash page confirmed my suspicions, Smuj was gone and Sluj was in. I searched the internet for more information, but found none. I did find this email address and decided to send you this message.
There could be any number of reasons why this has happened, none of which are any of my business. There are a couple of things I'd like you to know:
1) We hope you are well and the decision to leave the circuit was due to your desire and not your need.
2) Know that you will always hold a special place in our hearts - those who make us laugh are the most important of entertainers as in this world, we need laughter almost more than anything.
3) You will be missed - your delivery and timing were impeccable, your wit astounding, and I never left the fair without having to wipe a tear of laughter from my eye.
4) Thanks for not taking Bob with you. While the show will never be the same, I know that the festival would be somehow empty without the call of "Hey Audience!" Being a parent, I know how hard it is to let go of your kids. This had to be a hard decision for you and your sacrifice ends up being for the benefit of Ren Fair attendees across the nation for years to come.
Last of all, thanks Clark. I have a photo holding my son who was but four at the time across my arm the same way you held Bob as I stood next to you and Bob. You were truly a humble and appreciative performer who never forgot the fans - it's rare in this day and age. When ever I see Bob, I will remember you.
-Greg Grothe, Gilbert, AZ

Bob sez:
Wow, your letter is so nice, I can't even be sarcastic. Thank you.
I'm not quitting for any bad reasons, I'm just moving on to new interests. And, this is not the end of new dummies, there are many more on the way. Soon my zombie/dummies will spawn and take over the world.... and everyone will be better off for it.

Date: 03/12/05   Subject: what's wrong with Florida
hey ded bob i saw ur show for the first time it was. it was the in arizona today.next year i'm coming to see u againe,ur freeken hallarius. peace out
-Drake Stokes

Bob sez:
Bless you Drake. Now bring ten more people next week, or I'll have you and your family thrashed! d.b.

Date: 03/09/05   Subject: Ded Bob soup
Ded Bob,
This is the Druid that wears the brass skull helmet. I know you've seen me, more than once. That can opener I wear on my belt is for CRUSHING SKULLS. You are NOT funny, I did NOT laugh my butt off watching your show, I am NOT coming back on Sunday, March 13th with a beautiful super-model, I am NOT just her photographer, she is NOT the hottest chick in the valley, she did NOT just turn 21, she is NOT a complete nympho, so do NOT try to make her your zombie, and do NOT try to bonk her....or, with your bones...I shall make soup.....Bob soup.
-David Hoffman, "The Dragon"

Bob sez:
Your feeble attempt at reverse psychology is so transparent, that I wonder if it isn't double reverse reverse psychology. So eat this buck-o: Don't you dare bring your nasty porn wannabe to my show! If you do, I WILL bonk her thrice while you're fetching more Beer to bolster your puny self-esteem; sloppy-drunk, in a desparate hope it will swell your shriveled cajones enough to allow you to face one who is your superior in every sense.
DO BRING your shrimp-dicked self to my show and offer your wench as a token of your devotion. I'll be waiting....bone-ready. You will be properly humbled and she'll be flushed with gratitude for her brush with greatness.
Take that, poncho....and like it. d.b.

Date: 03/07/05   Subject: All hail!
All hail to Ded Bob, whom was perhaps the most notorious womanizer in all history. (I'm positive that you were.) I saw your show yesterday at the Festival, and I laughed my ass off. I heard about it from friends, and yet I ceased to never watch it in yesteryears that I've gone to the Renaissance Festival. (Okay, actually, last year was the first year I have gone, but I wish I saw the show last year.) I had missed such laughter, and bursting pains in my side from the laughter. Just wanted to say that your show is awesome (as well as your site), and whoever sends you hate mail should go to Hell. (Metaphorically speaking.)
Keep up the great work!

Bob sez:
I love the hate mail, it gives me an opportunity to show off my superior level of inform-ed-ness. If that's not a word, it should be. d.b.

Date: 03/06/05   Subject: Sluj!
Ded Bob!
I am the hugest fan of your show. I see you at least twice a year at the Arizona Renaissance Festival. I like your new dummy Sluj but I will miss Smuj as I've known him for much longer! But Sluj seems like he is an excellent choice for a replacement. Just saying thanks for picking a good replacement. No one's ever going to be smuj though!
-Erica F. Pizzi

Bob sez:
sluj...smuj...it's all me, baby. Thanks for the positive feedback. d.b.

Date: 03/03/05   Subject: HEY BOB AND SLUJ!!!!!!
I teach high school history, and every year i cover the Renaissance! well I have to admit i have in the past dressed up in my renaissance costume and attempt... attempt mind to be like sluj(i know smuj is gone now, best of luck to him, SLUJ KICKS ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!) Anyway my cheap attempt to dress up is a big failure, so i for extra credit I tell my students to see your show and write for me their review of your sho! You will be happy to know every year i get 125 papers back, and all of them worship you!!!!!!!!! you have a DED BOB army at your command! 3 years ago my students took up a collection of 225 dollars and some of my students went on different days to not only share with you BOB(your bags were full that day i remember, but also my students bought your merchandise. You should have seen it DED BOB, the next day in class was a sea of Zombies who all worshiped you, as one student put it, "DED BOB should be president." you have to love that. I myself have personally seen your show every time when i go. Everyweek end for the past 8 years, that is a lot of shows!!!
i will see you again on March 12, faithfully and loyally yours,

Bob sez:
Well, Rick.
I suppose you want some positive feedback for your obsequious gushing. Well, no dice bucko. $225.00?!?!?!?! You should be embarassed. Tell your little heathens I want a 4 page report from each and every one of them outlining how their next fundraiser will raise TEN TIMES that!!!!!
And no pudding for six weeks!

Date: 02/27/05   Subject: hey
Dear Ded Bob,
I don't know if you remeber me but after your show last year I went back stage to get some pictures with you then you told me to come stand by you and you gave me a kiss on face right on my cheek. You probably don't remember me. I just really like your show welll see you next year and by the way i will be 18 next year can i be on of your bob zombies thank you for your time.

Bob sez:
Ahhhh, eighteen....the sexiest word in the english language. d.b.

Date: 02/24/05   Subject: Hello?
Ded Bob-
Hey I'm Lucy from Tucson, and I saw your show at the Ren Fest and, OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love how you're just so rude to the zombies and you add a little grossness into your act that you think only the adults will get, but I got it, yea that's right, I'm a pre-teen, 11 years old and loving every bit of it. Your show was so freakin' funny! So um.....................HEY WHAT'S GOING ON?!?!?!? If you get the chance to read this....E-MAIL ME!!! Love ya' Ded!
-Lucy Smith

Bob sez:
Lucy, Thanks for your bitchin verbage, I'll pass the kudos on to the new one. d.b.

Date: 02/24/05   Subject: Renfest Time
So they finally let you back in at the GA Renfest! Great, We have missed you. The Renfest has not been the same without you. Now the Renfest can go back to QUALITY Shows. Your Fans Welcome you back to the state of Georgia! Or was that the state of confusion? No problem, we are all confused somewhat no matter what state we are in, whether it is sober, yuk, or stoned out ded, yea.
-Robert Wayne

Bob sez:
Robert, You'll be festival no. 3 to experience my new hunk-dummy sluj. guard your wimmins. d.b.

Date: 02/22/05   Subject: Hi Guys
I haven't made it to the Arizona Ren Fest yet this year, fear of the rain making me melt is a principle reason, but I had heard there has been a changing of the guard. I just wanted to make sure nothing was wrong or had happened with Clark Orwick, and if there is anything wrong, my best wishes are for him. As for Sluj, from what I've heard, the show is a little different but retains much of the old feel. Kick ass!
Ded Bob, long may you reign. At least until your bones are dust.
-Wesley Harris

Bob sez:
Be prepared for an ass kickin then. d.b.

Date: 02/21/05   Subject: BLAH
Hey there Ded Bob guess what? BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bob sez:
Blah? HOW DARE YOU? consider yourself cursed, numb nuts. d.b.

Date: 02/17/05   Subject: Hi Dedbob!
My boyfriend and I are going to the Arizona Renaissance Festival soon, and I made it a requirement we see your show! I remember that I saw you two years ago and I thought you were the funniest thing Iíd ever seen! I hope you pick me, hehe. Iíll be wearing the red and black fairy wings and corset. Here are some pictures of me dressed normally so you can find me! I love the Ded Bob show, I think youíre the greatest. I also am excited to see your new tool, Iíve heard heís better than smuj. Weíll see, eh? Oh well, bye Ded Bob!

Bob sez:
Well missy, you've certainly got all the right parts. Just sit near the front and look all fabulous and we'll just see if sluj salutes. d.b.

Date: 02/17/05   Subject: Who R U
Hi Sluj
Since Smuj is gone, who are you? For the following that you have inherited please identify yourself. If not globally then just to me. My daughter wants to know(tiffanymynx.com)

Bob sez:
You saw my new dummy sluj.
If I'm not mistaken, I believe I had Ms. Mynx onstage some time ago....no? I don't suppose you got a picture of that did you?

Date: 02/16/05   Subject: thanx!!!!
i dont know when you put your website back up but it is awsome that i can get the T-Shrt that i wanted, im even goin to get the baseball hat now that its on there!!!!
im buyin deb bob merchandise when i can, ill see you at the ren fest, but you wont see me
buh bye

Bob sez:
bless you my son. d.b.

Date: 02/16/05   Subject: GA RennFest
Is it really true? Are you coming back to Georgia this season? Together again at last!!! My children have forgotten some of the lyrics and had to ask me how to sing Rudolph last Christmas. Oh, the shame! It's been too long - like your femur. You have been sorely missed and will be welcomed back into our faire with a giant flow of green paper appreciation for sure. Until April, keep up with your head - I long to gaze into your eye sockets!

Bob sez:
Settle down, wench, I'll be there. Try to keep your libido in check til then. d.b.

Date: 02/14/05   Subject: Yo DB!!!
Hey DB,
I just saw you and Sluj. Wow, he's obviously not as lazy as that other slob Smuj. Don't get me wrong, Smuj was cool. But Sluj seems to be a bit more physically active than Smuj was. Plus I'll bet you get laid more now that you're hanging with someone who's physically fit. I like the show. Tell Sluj that I said he did a great job. In fact I would say the show was... "Amazing"!!!

Bob sez:
Yo Jo, Thanks for the feedback. I'll pass it on to sluj. d.b.

Date: 02/13/05   Subject: Ready and waiting...
Hey Bob and Smuj,
I saw the show for the first time last year with a friend of mine that had been bobmitized all ready. I laugh my fool head off. I can't wait to be rebobmitized (if that is a word). We'll be seeing you soon. We'll be the ones with all the knives on Sunday the 27th. BONK!

Bob sez:
Knifeman, Don't stab anybody til I tell you to. d.b.

Date: 02/09/05   Subject: Is it true?
I've been a big fan of your shows for several years now and was absolutely heartbroken when you were no longer at the Georgia Ren. Fest. However, I just went to their site and saw that the Ded Bob Sho is going to be at the festival this coming spring. I, naturally, squealed and jumped up and down, as any Bob groupie would. So, is it true? Are you coming back to us?
P.S. If it's true, I'll be the tall blonde in the black corset.

Bob sez:
Be prepared for a surprise. d.b.

Date: 02/08/05   Subject: "... I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts..."
Yeah... That got your attention! Just wanted to say that I can't wait to see the show next weekend. I'm dragging the whole family to the faire just to see it!

Bob sez:
Be prepared for a surprise. d.b.

Date: 02/03/05   Subject: marital bliss
So the little lady and I are renewing our vows at AZ ren this year, I mentioned it to someone who said "Hay! did u get Dead Bob to perform the ceremony?" Damn! I didn't think of it! Well this year is taken care of, but what about next? Do you do weddings or just brides? "Hay, groom? Hay What? Do you blah blah...."

Bob sez:
Yo Nok? is it? Sadly, my usual dummy, smuj has become so utterly inert, that I've opted for a newer model. So, you'll have to make an arrangment with him at the festival. d.b.

Date: 01/31/05   Subject: Coming back to Georgia!!
Hey Ded Bob--please say it's true! We saw on the GA RenFest site that you were coming back this year. Please say yes so I have a reason to live. Too much Hack n' Slash has caused itchyness
-Rebecca in ATL

Bob sez:
Bring dollars. d.b.

Date: 01/30/05   Subject: Nice Melons
Hardly melon-collie. Thanks!
db got rave reviews from my 16 yo Sarah (Wench name: Bridgette) who saw the dress rehearsal at the AZ Faire today. She especially liked the W impression. Marcia and I look forward to seeing your new stuff.

Bob sez:
thanks for the feedback. Your Sarah saw my new dummy, sluj in action. d.b.

Date: 01/29/05   Subject: Field Trip!
To start, I worship the Ded bob show. =)
Our 10th grade History class is studying the Renaissance right now, so we're going up to the AZ Renaissance festival for a field trip. (About a 2 hour drive from here.) Almost all the Sophomores are begging our teacher to let us go see your show while we're up there; and the only reason about half of them are going on the field trip at all is see your show. The unbearable experience of riding up to Phoenix in a bus full of emotionally challanged freshman and hyperactive classmates is going to be worth getting through to see your show again. Me and my family go up every year, and it's seemed like forever since we last saw the Ded Bob show. Can't wait to see it again!

Bob sez:
"emotionally charged freshman"!!!
I love emotionally charged freshman. You should be aware that my new dummy sluj is taking over as my main tool. He's funnier, fitter, and fresher than smuj and he smells infinitely better as well....you'll love him. d.b.

Date: 01/28/05   Subject: My dad said...
Hi Bob,
Always love you at the AZ Ren Faire and can't wait to see u in March. My dad said life was better back in the 50's, 60's, and 70's. At least back then you knew who the fascists were. I'll be the girl with a big rack in a tight corset. Got wubbies?

Bob sez:

Date: 01/27/05   Subject: A Welcome Distraction
Dear DB...
I stumbled on your website while sitting here at work, and while I found all of it to be amusing I realized that I have spent almost an hour just reading the email. Because of this, I had to write you. You really are a quite clever (and intelligent) bag of bones baby! I'm looking forward to seeing you again at this year's AZ Renn Fest, and if you're lucky I might even let you grab my boob. Who am I kidding... I can't resist you... grab away. Thanks for the laughs
~ Fiery ~

Bob sez:
flattery will get u laid, lady. d.b.

Date: 01/27/05   Subject: Which Smudge?
DED BOB, Just curious as to which smudge(the tried and true or the smudge in training)will be appearing with you @ the Arizona and Colorado Renaissance Festival's this year?

Bob sez:
Glad you asked. Go Here: A new dummy...

Date: 01/26/05   Subject: Hey Bob
loved you show at the Texas Ren Festival, was wondering if you ever think about doing the Kansas City Ren show???? I hear that there was 200,000 visitors this year. Would love to see you come north and spread your loveeeeee here.
thank you,
-MO in MO

Bob sez:
Stay tuned, it could happen.

Date: 01/14/05   Subject: I Luuuurve Bob
Ded Bob (and Smuj),
I'd just like to let you know that I joined the cast of the AZ faire just to be closer to you. My obsession is that scary. I'll be Bob Zombie #3millionand6 with the...hair...and the...and the...bodice, lurking in the back of your audience. Anon!

Bob sez:
Pandora, how's your box? d.b.

Pandora replies:
Guilty. Very guilty. Somehow it feels responsible for unleashing a son of a Bush into the White House *admonishes* Bad, bad Box! Shaaaaame!

Bob sez:
Don't be too hard on the box...it's hard to control those things sometimes. d.b.

Date: 01/09/05   Subject: I Love You
I just wanted to say that I can't wait to see your show at AzRF when I'm visiting there next month. I work at MiRF, so it'll be nice not to have to wait until August to see you again, though I'm glad that you put up with Peterson's stupidity to continue amusing your fans in Michigan.

Bob sez:
You'll be one of the first to see my new leaner, cleaner sexier dummy, sluj. Whatever you do, don't look under his shroud, or you'll spend the rest of your days longing for another look. d.b.

Date: 01/07/05   Subject: I Love You
Bob, You are the greatest, and I promise not to start any wet t-shirt contests during your show again. Remember Emma (One of your cutest fans) and I love you!!! But I love you more... Deder is better. Please make sure you continue coming back to our Colorado Ren Fest!
Best wishes,
-Lady Tabitha

Bob sez:
I'll be there, but I may have a new dummy. d.b.

Date: 01/04/05   Subject: a good idea, maybe
i've been thinking...which is in fact a novelty unto itself, but i may have come up with a good idea..i was wondering what you thought about having the audience sing in "rounds"..just imagine how many rule breakers you'd have to choose from! i've been playing around with some appropriate lyrics to the tune of "row, row, row your boat"..are you interested? they all need some tweaking, but i'm sure you could fix whatever i mess up..and it could be a lot of fun! i'll see you in phoenix...

Bob sez:
I'll put it on my 'to do' list. Let's see......page 98476 column 5 - there. Thanks for the tip... d.b.

Wanna email Ded Bob? He'll get back to you as soon as humanly possible. If you're lucky, maybe even sooner.

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