Letters from 2009

Date: 12/06/09   Subject: To Ded Bob and Sluj
Hey Bob,
I saw the show again this year at CRF. Love the show (at first I wasn't sure, but it grew on me). My mom went to the faire with me for the first time and brought along my little brother. All day long he glared and heckled at every act we saw, but the kid loved the Ded Bob show, and actually sat down and shut up for the duration. I hope I get to bring him back next year to learn even more things he should never say in front of the rest of our family. Offending the folks, its a bonding experience.
Also, I would like to say, for the record, that I was 19 at CRF this year, so all accusations of "jailbait" are totally incorrect. I have graduated some time ago to the category of barely legal.
-Jasmine Martin

Bob sez:
Barely legal? Excellent. But are you bonely legal? d.b.

Date: 11/30/09   Subject: LOVE YOU BOB!!!
Hey Bob, is it wrong for me to say that I absolutely love you and that you are soo sexy? Me and my family always goes to the Texas Renaissance Fair on their final weekend every year. And we HAVE to see your show everytime we come! Great show and funny as HELL!! LOVE YOU BOB
-Sarah Prince

Bob sez:
What's wrong about loving a perverted dead guy? d.b.

Date: 11/22/09   Subject: Pictures
Hey Bob!
I was at the Charlotte NC Renaissance Festival and had my picture taken with you!! I thought I would send them to you :)
Thanks for making me laugh!
-Noelle Beck

Bob sez:
Thanks for the photos, Noelle. I'll pass them on to my crack web master for posting at dedbob.com. See you next year, my precious zombie. d.b.

Date: 11/02/09   Subject: Ded Bob in TX
Hey Smuj i watch the ded bob sho at the texas renasissance festival and it was hilarious i liked the part when he got the bonker and hit the rule brakers on the head i love that part.
-jonathon fults

Bob sez:
Thanks, jonathon fuits - it's my favorite part too. d.b.

Date: 09/28/09   Subject: To db, smuj and all.
We (me, family, and grandma) enjoyed ourselves at the Mi RenFest.
We also agree that our next pet (dog,cat, whatever) will be named Smuj in honor of your dummy.
keep up the good work,
-Ned (aka The Great Pumpkin), Zombie#2, 9/27/09 3:15

Bob sez:
I told smuj about your intention to use his namesake for your next beast...he drooled...nothing out of the ordinary, I'm afraid. d.b.

Date: 09/27/09   Subject: Obama
Hey Ded Bob,
Saw you in Michigan today, great show.
After putting up with your jabs at Bush for the past few years I was hoping to hear some cracks on Obama but there were none.
I was hoping you were an equal opportunity offender.
What gives?
-Moritz in Michigan

Bob sez:
I'm no Obama fan, but I'm terrified that if I rag on him, I'll get lumped in with morons like Sean Vannity, Rush Dimbulb and Glenn Blech.
Republicans and Democrats...at least the leadership...are simply two sides of the same neo-fascist coin. "Fascism should more properly be called 'Corporatism' as it is the merger of Corporate and State power." -Mussolini
The real scumbags who are treating us all like marionettes are the banking conglomerates. If we want to really change things, we need to abolish the "Federal" Reserve, the WTO, The IMF, the World Bank, and the other international fascist organizations. They all deserve to hang by their greedy necks, but I'd be content to just throw them all in prison with four hundred pound gay cellmates.
p.s. Obama is a much better liar than Bush.

Date: 09/27/09   Subject: atlanta
You are by far the funniest dummy, we miss you terribly in Atlanta. We love you and we'll be good this time if you ever come home again.
Your devoted fan,
-Kelly Manthe

Bob sez:
Thanks Kelly,
Atlanta became a tough show for smuj. After they moved the fair from the old site, something was missing, it just wasn't the same. My other dummy, sluj, is far more ambitious. Seems ironic for a dummy, but there you are, live people are crazy. I doubt smuj will ever be back there, but who knows. Thanks for the support, and support your local dummy.

Date: 09/20/09   Subject: MI Ren. Faire
My girls just loved you! Here's a photo of the three (four?) of you. Thanks for the great time.
-Amanda Aoude

Bob sez:
PERFECT! Watch my website...these will be posted. d.b.

Date: 09/20/09   Subject: NY Ren. Faire
Hey Bob
I saw you several years ago at the N.Y. Ren. Faire but somehow it took a while for them to get you back. Went yesterday and was surprised to see your name on the bill. Great show (saw it twice) and yes I did put some "green" in when your "Zombies" passed through the crowd.
ALl the best
-Ken Masten, Newburgh, N.Y.

Bob sez:
"SO how do we make sure they get you back for 2010???"
More Green
Thanks for your support,

Date: 09/14/09   Subject: 9/13/09
Hey DB,
Took my 7year old & 4year old yesterday to the show in Hollygrove MI, most of the jokes went over their heads although my 7year old loved every second. Thanks to you and smuj for the best time (every year) and now the cool website. C-ya
-Geoff Curtis

Bob sez:
Thanks, Geoff. Your seven year old is now 43. d.b.

Date: 09/11/09   Subject: Toys and Batteries...
Hey Bob! We saw you at the Michigan RenFest Sept. 7th and you made a date with me for Thursday (remember, I was supposed to bring my favorite toys and batteries).
Well, I'm still waiting with my energizer bunny (covers the toy and batteries). But you haven't showed up. LOL!
Great show at a great festival!
-Kim Schneider

Bob sez:
So sorry about missing our appointment...had to attend a last minute funeral. Come see me again at the festival, and we'll give it another shot. d.b.

Date: 09/6/09   Subject: 2009 Michigan RenFest................
Ded Bob,
Saw you and smuj for the very first time at Michigan's 2009 RenFest. (Up until then, one might say that I was a d.b. virgin.)
Make no bones about it, you two were drop-dead hilarious!
Other comedy acts at the RenFest featured jugglers with knives, jugglers with axes, jugglers with bowling pins, and yes, even jugglers with canned spam. What they don't seem to understand is that no one pays to see a juggler without any balls.
Am looking forward to seeing you again in two thousand ten.
-Bob Zagacki

Bob sez:
Thanks Bob - actually, some of my best friends are jugglers...at least that's what I tell them. d.b.

Date: 09/03/09   Subject: Been a while
I really can't tell you how much I miss the Michigan Renaissance Festival! I moved way out of state little over a year ago and this is now two Festivals I've missed! I usually catch all of your shows though out the day and it's still hilarious every time. Thanks so much for sharing your wonderful hilarious creation with us lonely nerds.
-Jenny O
P.S. I was driving down the highway the other day and I think I hit a fairy, too! Little bastards are everywhere!

Bob sez:
Oy, I wish you hadn't told me that...about the fairy...I'm on probation with the fairy guild, and I'm required to report all squashing incidents. Fortunately, I don't know your last name...just the initial...so maybe they won't find you. d.b.

Date: 08/27/09   Subject: Is ded bob coming to MA
Loved you in AZ. Now in Massachusetts. My son saw you last week in Michigan and thought you were coming to MA but you're not on the schedule. Are you coming? We would love to see you!!
-Anna Fisk

Bob sez:
Alas, Massychoozits is a no go this year. Not sure why...budgetary reasons no doubt. Maybe next year...keep an eye on the website. d.b.

Date: 08/22/09   Subject: Schedule question
Hi Ded Bob!
I saw recently on one of the festival forums that your appearance at Louisiana ren fest for this year has been announced. The person who made this statement said that you would not be at the Texas Renaissance Festival on its final weekend (Thanksgiving). I was saddened to hear this because I will be attending that weekend and want to see your show. It is my belief that you have superhuman abilities and could possibly be in two places at one time with the assistance of smuj and another assistant. So... will you be at TRF on Thanksgiving weekend this year? If not... perhaps its not too late for me to work another date for our visit. My family and I would love to see you!
-Martin Petkovsek

Bob sez:
Martin, I will be at TRF on Thanksgiving weekend with my dummy smuj. I will also be in Louisiana with my dummy sluj. Don't ask how I am able to do this...any attempt to explain it would only hurt your brain. d.b.

Date: 08/22/09   Subject: Hi
Hey ded bob. I just seen your show today @ the Michigan renaissance festival. Great act again this year by the way! Hope to see you again next year with some new material! Thanks again for the entertainment!
-Amanda W.

Bob sez:
Amanda, what will you make with your new material? A skirt? A hat? Can't wait to see what you come up with. I'll see you when you get back to watch my standard, classic show...you'll take it and like it. d.b.

Date: 08/15/09   Subject: Mr. DED BOB BOB BOB BOB
You are friggen amazin wil' bones wit a awesome dummmmmmmmmmy! I hope to come back to the renaissance fair in 2 years when i have my awesome pirate costume finished and watch your sillyness. I watch you on the internet and laugh my ass off, while my brother has a friend over and looks at me like every couple mins and is like what the hell you laughin at. I noticed you dont have a twitter account............................ Make one please!!!!!!!!!!! I like follow you then die of laughing!
-Kimberly Guerette

Bob sez:
Kimberly, you should take note that neither the Ded Bob Sho, nor any of it's affiliates, can be held responsible for the loss of your ass due to laughing. If you should, "die of laughing" the Ded Bob Sho will disavow any accountability for your condition. If you insist on pursuing legal action, we will refer you to our team of attorneys at Dewey, Smakum and Butts.
Sincerely, d.b.

Date: 08/07/09   Subject: Great Lakes Renaissance Festival
Hey Ded Bob
I was part of your audience at the Texas Renaissance festival several years and once finding out you were there, would not miss it for the world!! I just love ye olde tyme humour and after checking out your website at the time, you were also appearing at the Great Lakes Festival. I'm checking their website this year and I don't seem to find you - what's up??
Would love to know when you are appearing at this one (if you will in the future) as I would travel all the way from Canada to see you - I just love your show and your view on politics, etc...lol
Wish you could come to Canada, I have to believe your humour would be totally appreciated!:O)

Bob sez:
Dee, Funny you should ask. There is a very good chance that I'll be at the Great Lakes Show next year. Be aware, if the Bob Sho comes to Great Lakes, it will be with a different dummy than the one you know from Texas. Keep an eye on the website schedule. d.b.

Date: 07/29/09   Subject: You...are... AWSOME!!! haha
Hey Bob, I have been watching your shows since I was 15. It made me laugh everytime :D I have brought my friends every year, everyshow I have been able to see! You make the Ren Fair memorable. Even before my mother passed away (she was a devoute fan) we would never miss it ;). Keep it up! you always keep you audience laughing till our sides hurt! thank you for the laughs. You cant find them anywhere else :P
See you in Michigan!
-Sasha Zein, Devout Fan Jr.

Bob sez:
Thank you Devout Fan Jr.
Sorry about your mother, smuj lost his mom at 13.
Also, sorry about your sides.
See you in Michigan. d.b.

Date: 07/19/09   Subject: Renaissance festival.
Hey Bob,
Two days before my birthday was the first time i've seen your show. You're funny as hell!!! This is a link for one of your ded bob fan groups. Sadly, there weren't nearly enough. If you ever need help Bobitizing the rest of the world, let me know, I'm in public relations. I LOVE YOU BOB!!
-Ashley Collins

Bob sez:
I quote, "You're funny as hell!!!!" Although you failed to capitalize 'hell', may I presume that you meant the famous 'Hell' oft mentioned in the 'New Testament' of the 'Bible'? If so, I highly doubt that existing in 'Hell' is particularly funny. In fact, if one is to take your comment literally, one might be moved to conclude that you found my show agonizing, tortuous, eternally painful for the REST OF TIME!
No doubt you intend to sue, 'ded bob productions', "...for every penny you've got!" Gosh, where have I heard that before? [imagine voice dripping with sarcasm.]
Well, get in line sister!. Every fifth patron in the gate dreams up some pathology after having attended the Ded Bob Sho.
"I laughed so hard it hurt."
"I spit a rib, laughing at your show."
"I laughed my ass off!" [I would think she'd have been grateful...you should have seen that ass.]
"I laughed my head off!" [Oh, for pete's sake, who could believe that! And who would be able to send me a whiny email without their head?!]
So, bring it on miss lady. There's no more money here...the well is dry....you're beating a dead...dead guy.
I hope you're all happy, all you parasites with an ax to grind. One of my dummies, smuj, is living in near exile as a result of the repeated trauma of endless litigation. His nerves are shot, and he now believes that the *Illuminati* are after him, and won't come out from under the bed. Don't people talk to each other anymore? Don't people tell each other that the show is SUPPOSED to be funny?
If you didn't mean your comment literally....never mind. d.b.

Bob followz up - "Satire is ded":
Ashley, apparently, I'm too convincing for my own good. I posted my rant to you on my facebook page and I got a torrent of responses chastising me for abusing someone who was trying to compliment me. Honestly, it was so over the top, I don't know how anyone could have taken it seriously, but more than a few people have done just that. For the record, I was kidding. I think you, at least, realized that.
sincerely, d.b.

Date: 06/30/09   Subject: I LOVE YOU DED BOB
Ded Bob,
I have to say that, even though through out your show those snot nosed little ankle biters were screaming all through your show, i love you...i have been permanantly BOBMOTIZED...though...i am still waiting on our mud wrestling match that you said we were going to have...you were one of the best parts of the Ga Ren Fest. I cant wait to see you and i guess we can say Smuj too...

Bob sez:
Are you happy?
That was "sluj" you saw in Georgia, NOT smuj.
You've crushed sluj's heart, mistaking him for the vacant, used-up smuj.
I hope for your sake, that he'll be able to work next weekend, because, you've never seen...never HEARD of lawyers like my lawyers: Driller, Bilkem & Scratch. If sluj misses twelve seconds this weekend, they'll be on you like a filthy rich banker on a government bailout.
Good Luck, d.b.

Date: 06/23/09   Subject: Wisconsin Renaissance Faire
Hey Bob...didn't see the Bristol Renaissance Faire on your schedule. Does that mean I have to go Bobless this summer?
-Debbie Rymko

Bob sez:
Fraid so.
smuj f'd up last year and missed a show. I'm not particularly fond of the security regime at that show...too many control freaks. I'll be in Michigan in late August. Come see me there. d.b.

Date: 05/02/09   Subject: hey Dead Bob!
Ok sorry, I had to do that...
I was looking to buy your Roast from MiRF this year. Heard it was supposed to be on your website. I was wondering if it was a limited copy, or if it wasn't finished yet/hadn't made it to the website yet. Please send a letter and let me know. Thanks.
-Patrick, Another Jack-ass Pirate

Bob sez:
It's still being edited by a world-class procrastinator. Keep watching the website. d.b.

Date: 04/27/09   Subject: Tex RenFest Pic
Hey Bob, Love your show. Look forward to seeing you in October. Here's a picture of us at Texas Ren Fair last year (with Smuj). Have a great summer.

Bob sez:
smuj needs an...how can I put this delicately....an 'outlet'. I showed him your photo, and he hasn't stopped primping since. Of course he can primp from now until doomsday, and he'll still look and smell like the business end of a warthog. Think it over, you can close your eyes and imagine he's Sean Connery. d.b.

Date: 03/30/09   Subject: A thank you...
I wanted to drop you a note with a little story. I had attended the AZ Faire a week ago, a yearly tradition. I ended up seeing Sluj and Bob perform that day, which was quite good! The story, though, involves Velma, your sales booth attendant. I wandered over to buy the DVDs on sale and after seeing my interest in the disc featuring you (and remembering your performances in the past), offered me two free tickets to come back, with the promise that you would be performing with Bob for the final weekend. I did use the tickets on a return journey, mostly to watch you perform again, and it was a pleasure to see.
I wanted to relate the story, because she was nice enough to give me Comp tickets just to see you perform for the last weekend. Kindness like that is rare, and I feel fortunate to have been the lucky one that day.
Thank you,

Bob sez:
That's Velma [not her real name] for you, generous to a fault. She get's that from me. Thanks for the letter. d.b.
p.s.: smuj says uh....mblgoop...flem...zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Date: 03/21/09   Subject: The Arizona Renaissance Festival
Hi Ded and Smuj,
We were at the Arizona Renaissance Festival two weeks ago, and wanted to thank you for a great show. We have been coming to the Festival for 14 years, in costume of course, and just love it. If there was just some way to live there, life would be perfect.
This year was my first visit with my new digital SLR camera, and I was in hog heaven. I did go a little crazy, taking 10 mb of pictures (650 images), but with all the great performers, like you, jousting, the vendors, games and everything else, I just couldn't help myself. I'm already looking forward to next year.
If you want to see some of the pictures I took, which includes you, head on over to my blog - I also have a link to your website by your photograph.
Thank you for making the Ren Faire such a great experience. We look forward to see you again next year.
Have Fun,
-Jeff and Linda-Ann

Bob sez:
Excellent Shots...especially liked the one of Adam Crack. I'll post this message on my site, and people can follow the links, if that's o.k. d.b.

Date: 02/27/09   Subject: myspace
Hey Bob I would like to have you as a myspace friend how do I find you

Bob sez:
Sheesh...I haven't checked my myspace page in ages...I've mostly gotten off of all those kinds of websites...too distracting. If you send a "letter to Bob", I'll type back a snappy, astoundingly clever response, and it will be available for all to see for as long as the Ded Bob website exists. d.b.

Date: 02/24/09   Subject: Mr. Ded Bob Say it aint so!
Being the avid Bob Zombie that I am, and have been for many an eon, I visit your very classy and colorful (cough cough) web site occasionally throughout the year even when you are not in town just to see what is going on in the Ded world. So here I sit reading that you are putting Smuj out to stud.........yeah who are we kidding.....Anyway I digress. Being as how you and Smuj are the versions of the Ded Bob show I have watched for some ten years now, and the original Ded Bob performers I must officially protest.
You got your imbecile democratic idiot of a buffoon president now, why not relax and enjoy the next 30 years of misery and suffering he will cause taxing you and the dusty fruit of your loins for generations to come. Rejoice aloud on stage as the dollars that once filled your bags now stay firmly in everyone's pockets, wallets, and purses causing you to pretty much do your show for free..........Oh God I'm making the case for you to retire.......OK so I am no lawyer, scratch everything I just said.....
At least do your MORE THEN LOYAL Texas Renn Fest fans the honor of performing there. Retire Smuj the rest of the year for all I care, but it just would not be the same without him, even as smelly and gagly ugly as he is. Besides the mighty breastiseees that are everywhere to be seen at the Ren Fest, you are the only other reason I go!
Turn coat into a republican and think about all the STIMULUS PACKAGE jokes you could do!!!!! Yeah baby I'd like to stimulate your package.....Yeah I know that will never happen cuz of ole George boy.....
OK groveling on my knees.....Please don't kill Smuj.....
You're loyal Bob Zombie,
-Trent L. Smith

Bob sez:
So much blather, and so little time.
smuj is *SEMI*-retired. He's still doing the Michigan and Texas shows, and in all probability he will be doing Scarborough Faire [near Dallas] next year [2010] As for Obama, imbecile, he's not. And considering the turds-for-brains asshole who just moved back to Crawford Texas, relatively speaking, we've taken a giant leap up the evolutionary scale. Having said that, it makes little or no difference whether there is a Demlican or a Repugnocrat occupying the White House, either way, America is Israel's bitch. The world is doomed no matter which capitalist pig is in charge.
If I had my way, there'd be dead Rockefellers, Kissingers, Cheneys, Rothschilds, DuPonts, Bushes, bankers, weapons-dealers, fossil-fuel-industrialists etc from here to China. d.b.

Date: 01/18/09   Subject: Dear Ded Bob
Dear Ded Bob,
I grew up going to TRF every fall and for many years my father and I watched your show facinated and laughing till it hurt. I managed to fool management into hiring me on the performance company for three years and rarely missed a show, and those missed were due to wenches. Honest. The Navy threw me into a submarine for five years after that and I've been stuck in Cali-fuckin-fornia with few chances to travel back home. Visiting your site has reminded me the down-to-earth zombie values and driven home the point that I need to come back to Texas and Ren Faire and be a fathful zombie once again. Thanks for the memories, see you in October.
Still laughing years later,

Bob sez:
Copious Condolences for getting scooped up into amerika's wars for profit. Believe it or not, smuj once puked his way across the great waters on the u.s.s. macdonough. Lucky for him, the vietnam debacle was freshly over, and the nation was not in the mood for any more stupid planet fk'ng for a while, so he came out unscathed...other than wasting three years working for a'holes.
Welcome back, d.b.

Wanna email Ded Bob? He'll get back to you as soon as humanly possible. If you're lucky, maybe even sooner.

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