Letters from 2010

Date: 06/29/12   Subject: Ded Bob, an angry email!
Ded Bob,
I just want to let you know you're show fucking sucks. I have been going to you're show at the Michigan RenFest for years just waiting for this show to reach the levels of the hype that it receives. Sadly, every year I leave the shows feeling like I lost out on part of my life that I will never be able to get back. Not to mention, you ever hit on my girlfriend again, the audience members you pull out from the crowd won't be the only ones getting "bonked". Your songs are lame and boring and the fact that you completely got rid of your "r" rated show makes you a sell out. Please refrain from appearing at the Michigan Renfest this year.
Smuj is fat,
-Joseph Adamowicz

Bob sez:
Thank you for the best letter I've received in years.
d.b.


Date: 05/30/12   Subject: where ru?
was wanting to know why not at colorado rennaissance festival? we miss bob and smuj
-Paul Miller

Bob sez:
A couple of reasons.
The festival decided to cater to a more conservative audience that didn't really 'fit' with the ded bob sho.
The other reason is that sluj, the dummy that replaced 'smuj' in Colorado a few years ago has family and connections in the Chicago area that makes doing the Bristol Renaissance Festival a better show for him.
We miss things about Colorado too.
d.b.


Date: 02/26/12   Subject: Hi Bob
Bob here. Coming to see you today. Bringing the whole family.... none of whom have ever seen you. Lots of gorgeous daughters for you to pick from for your little play. I'll be wearing my Official Ded Bob T-Shirt as usual. Pick Jill. As you make her jump up and down your eyes will pop right out of your skull.
-Bob Fairbank

Bob sez:
What eyes?


Date: 02/22/12   Subject: Hi
I love you ded bob you are so funny
-Heather Peacock

Bob sez:
Thank you, you are so astute.
d.b.


Date: 10/30/11   Subject: hi
hey ded bob. I saw your show @ the nc ren. fest. And i have a couple questions.
1. are you related to Achmed. Hes the dead terrorist on Jeff Dunham
2. do you plan on returning to th nc ren fest next year??
Write Back
-Kaitlie Dornauer

Bob sez:
Achmed is my nephew's sister's brother-in-law.
I will be in NC...in fact...I'm there right now.
I wrote back.
d.b.


Date: 10/09/11   Subject: YOUR SHOW IS FANTASTIC
My first time ever yesterday ...I attended with some friends the TRF 2011....(10-8-11) and I had a fantastic time ... they (my friends) told me about your show....and i said sure i will give it a shot... well honey the show i went to was at 10:30AM ...and i had a great and funny time at your show ...that i made my friends take me back to the last show which was at 4:30PM...and it was better the second time around ...so in the future i plan on seeing you twice in one day .... and yes ..by the way ...I did make a donation of a bill.... i had really wished i had a FIVE DOLLARE BILL...HA..HA...
take care
A Houston Fan for sure from now on.... good luck in other cities!!!!!!!!
-Amithyst

Bob sez:
Amithyst, great name!
Thank you for your letter and your bills. Bring all your friends, and don't forget all the way cool shwag in the ded bob shwag shwop.
d.b.


Date: 09/29/11   Subject: more CO fans
Not sure what moved me to do it, but decided to seek out your website today. And after reading all of the "why the hell didn't you visit Colorado this year?" emails, thought I'd add mine to the pile. At the conclusion of one of your 2010 Larkspur shows, I commented to those who saw the show with me that there was a hint that we wouldn't see you back the following year; unfortunately I was right. I'm concerned that my daughter, who was only 2 the last time she saw you, won't have the opportunity for a proper annual Ded Bob education as she grows up (no, I'm not in the running for Parent-of-the-Year, and don't give a damn about your pre-show age-appropriate warnings or judgments).... and there's no way in hell I'm travelling to Bristol to be surrounded by a bunch of smug assholes just to watch another smug asshole and his dummy's sho! I grew up in that area & left for a reason. Another Bob-free year in Colorado might make me revisit this decision, but I'm hoping you'll bow to the pressure and just come back to Colorado in 2012 -- my little princess will be 4 by then and might even have some jokes that will make you blush!
-Lukas Jeter

Bob sez:
Luke,
What can I say...it doesn't look good for Larkspur next year.
The Bristol run went pretty well. They gave us a great stage and it's a better location for Sluj who's got far more connections in the Bristol area. I suppose if Colorado made a good enough offer, we might get Smuj to come out of semi-retirement, but it would have to be a pretty good offer. You'll have to lobby the Colorado Festival management about that. Thanks for your support, and btw, you can always teach your 'princess' the words to all of my songs until she can get a Bob fix.
d.b.


Date: 09/22/11   Subject: Ded Bob Pic
8 Year old Andrew at his first Ded Bob show!!!! He loved it and wanted me to send you this pic. BONK!!!!!! This is at the Michigan Ren Fest 2011.
-Jason Vierik

Bob sez:
Thanks for the photo, Jason. I'll send it off to my web guy and he'll post it here.
d.b.


Date: 08/22/11   Subject: Ded Bob, quick question about your dedbob.com page!
Hi there, Mr. Bob (?)
I just wanted to drop you a quick note to let you know that your Links page has great info on it! The kids in my Early Brit. Lit. class completely agree! They wanted to share another page that they really loved: A Guide to Renaissance Faire Costumes. It's a great guide to Renaissance Faire garb!
I've been tutoring and subbing for awhile but am just starting in the teaching field. It seems like such a collaborative profession, which is why I was hoping you wouldn't mind adding the page the kids found to your site with all of your other valuable Ren resources.
I think it would thrill the kids to see their suggested page on your website. It actually is a useful article with a lot of good material, which is why I indulged them by contacting you. Again, sorry for the interruption!
Thank you very much!! I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
-Haylee Breen

Bob sez:
Haylee, I'll pass this on to my webguy and link to you a.s.a.p.
d.b.


Date: 08/22/11   Subject: Hey Bob!
Hey Bob!
I just wanted to tell you that I saw your show for the first time this past Sunday at the NY Ren Fest. It was so funny - I made sure to see it twice. I think you have a great show there, and oh yeah - Sluj is funny too.
I am not able to get about easily anymore due to a knee injury that has degenerated, but I will say this, for as often as I know you will be entertaining somewhere near to where I live, I will make my best effort to get out and see you.
Thanks for the great laughs.
-Vince L. Falcone

Bob sez:
Thanks Vince,
For the record, you are Bob Zombie number 432,023.
That's a prime number!
Enjoy your new status.
d.b.


Date: 07/31/11   Subject: come back next year!
hey i saw ur sho at the bristol ren fair and i want u guys to come back next year!
-Redding Brannan

Bob sez:
Call the festival and demand Ded Bob.
Call your local newspaper and tell them Ded Bob is the greatest performer in all of history and he should win the Nobel prize for funnyness.
Call President Obama and tell him to appoint Ded Bob as his Secretary of Cool. Tell him to step down and give a speech as to why Ded Bob will make a million times better leader than himself.
Or... just come back next year. We'll probably be back.
d.b.


Date: 07/08/11   Subject: No colorado? WTF!
You useless girly-clothed sack of stew-bones, how dare you omit the Colorado ren-faire from your schedule! I drag my way thought a mostly pointless existence expecting a brief respite from my misery at the ren-faire throwing spare change at you, only to be greeted by some nimrod jugglers and some lazy jungle cat show. The only things I want to know about cervils are the cook time and appropriate wine!
I'd say come back, but by sad twist of date this is my last summer in colorado! As I prepare for my move to cali, I just want you to know that the damage is done. I may be scarred for life, but I've learned not to place my trust in the typically-staid institution of traveling performers.
If you had lips I'd tell you to suck it.
-Adam Chayes

Bob sez:
Adam...
"Girly-clothed sack of stew-bones..."?
Listen here, you whiny little bitch - you've got some nerve opening your missive with such an insult. We are all dually impressed.
I wanted to let you know how much your letter has moved me. I've discussed your concerns with some of my friends and neighbors and the thought that you might go around un-Bobbed prompted a pow-wow to see what might be done about it. We formed a committee to look into your case and decided that no one really gives a shit, and we'd gotten all worked up for a nobody.
However, your doldrums may be short-lived as it happens. We are currently negotiating with the original Southern California Pleasure Festival. If they come up with the scratch, they might just lure smuj out of semi-retirement.
Don't hold your breath... but don't end it all either...there is some glimmer of hope.
sincerely,
d.b.


Date: 06/28/11   Subject: please read!
Dear Ded Bob,
Here in Larkspur Colorado Renaissance Festival we miss you very much this year! Please come back to us next year. I have to say it is very lonely without you. :-( *whimpers and cries*
sincerely,
-Your Fans at Larkspur Colorado Renaissance Festival

Bob sez:
Awww shucks, y'all er gonna make me feel bad.
CUT IT OUT!
d.b.


Date: 06/20/11   Subject: Absence
Hey, Clark
I don't know if you remember me, but we exchanged a few e-mails about a year ago.
I went to the Colorado Renaissance Festival for the first time this year, today, and I was shocked to see that Ded Bob isn't there this year. What happened?
Ded Bob was one of the "Big Three" shows along with Puke n' Snot and the Washing Well Wenches. We talked about the reasons why you quit doing the Colorado fair, but the guy who filled in for you was always packing them in, every show. I heard several people talking, today, about how much they were looking forward to seeing Ded Bob, again, not realizing that he wasn't there this year.
Just wondering what's up.
-Armelin

Bob sez:
Dale,
I wish there was some kind of dirt to tell you about, but it's all just a combination of changes in people's situations. The dummy that I was using in Colorado, sluj, has decided to do the Bristol Renaissance Festival north of Chicago. He's got more connections there and is closer to home. smuj has become a senile, paranoid lunatic who actually believes that society as we know it is coming to an end, a slow, miserable spiral into oblivion, and is planning to live, "off the grid" near Austin effing Texas in with the worst part of summer on the way. Nobody really talks to him much anymore, and those who do are usually shaking their heads, asking themselves, "what happened to that guy, he used to be so much fun."
So, that leaves Colorado without a Bob this year.
Bristol is a difficult show to break into. The security there is INSANE, and I'm not kidding. When people walk in the gate, they are greeted by a phalanx of mirthless khaki'd prison guards, checking for smuggled soft drinks and snacks. First year performers, [even tho I've been there before] get crummy stages, crummy showtimes, blistering unshaded sun, and mosquitoes that never go away.
sluj may be back in Colorado soon.
d.b.


Date: 06/14/11   Subject: From your dearest Fifi from Colorado
Ded Bob!!!! Colorado Renaissance Festival opened today and guess who didnt get to see her favorite skeleton?? Me. :( I was looking all over and then I couldnt find you..
HOWEVER!!! Once you come back to colorado, Ill show up and you can bonk me like you did last year. And ill give you presents!! Smuj can come too.
I miss you! Hope youre having fun traveling the world and humorously offending millions of people.
-Maelynn Smith

Bob sez:
Alas, Maelynn, for the foreseeable future, you will have to be satisfied with virtual bonkings. That is unless you want to travel to one of the other festivals that we haven't alienated yet: http://www.dedbob.com/sched.htm
Till then,
d.b.

Maelynn replied:
But why? :( Colorado loves you. Well at least I do. :] Enough to come see you wherever you are. Thank you for showing me your schedule. Until then, I must enjoy the virtual bonkings. The best part of the day.
yours sincerely,
-Maelynn

Bob sez:
BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK
BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK
BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK
BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK
BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK
BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK
BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK
BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK
BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK
BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK
BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK
BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK
BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK
BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK
BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK
BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK
BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK
BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK
BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK
BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK
BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK
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BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK
BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK


Date: 05/22/11   Subject: What happened?
Hi Ded Bob.
What happened this past Saturday? I took some friends to the Ga ren Fest and when we saw your afternoon show, there wasn't a single boink? I was really disappointed.
-Belle Sims

Bob sez:
In GA I am limited to a little over twenty minutes on some of my shows, which makes it difficult to do the whole show. So no story-time theater in those shows. Sorry.
d.b.


Date: 03/27/11   Subject: Ded Bob at Tuxedo
So excited about you being at Tuxedo, NY! My 8 year old and i saw you last year in Hoston TX! Can't wait to see ya! My kid won't stop talking about you!"
-Kathleen Vergari

Bob sez:
Thanks, K.
Just so you know, I'll be with a different dummy.
In Houston, I was with smuj, my original dummy.
In Tuxedo, I'll be with sluj, my sleeker, modernized conveyance.
As I am subject to using the vocal chords and other idiosyncrasies, of the dummy I'm with, you will certainly notice some differences in the shows I do with each. Just so you know.
d.b.


Date: 03/15/11   Subject: I love you
And all of your dummies.
That is all.
-Amber

Bob sez:
Bless you zombie Amber.
d.b.


Date: 03/14/11   Subject: i have boobs
After taking a transfer to Arizona for 3 years, and enjoying the Ded Bob show consecutively for those 3 years..... I transferred back East. The Maryland Renn Faire..Fair...time of year I get to run around in my skeevies and no one bats boths eyes, seems to not have you on it's schedule. I know the DC Metropolitan-middle of nowhere-Maryland-uppity-up-up crowd is a bit much, but your show would Bonk the rest of the shows there clear out of the water (ahem, swamp). Please considering bringing the show here. It starts in late August and runs through October. I'll buy you a Ded pony if it makes it worth your while.
Pretty Pretty Please?
-Andrea Franzini, aka Inky the Basement Demon

Bob sez:
Inky, Would you believe that the Maryland Festival was where Ded Bob Debuted? It's true. Way back in 1987. I was only a walk-around street character back then. I have discussed doing it again, but that festival overlaps other fairs where we already have commitments. Unless we have problems with the shows we are doing already, it doesn't look likely that Maryland will be in the mix. You could always find some excuse for traveling to Michigan [Aug-Sept] or Georgia [April-May].
Good Luck
d.b.


Date: 02/28/11   Subject: hi
hi ded bob! i am your biggest fan and you are the best joke skeleton ever to be on earth!! see ya later!
-Your Friend, Ty Hinson

Bob sez:
Ty, just how big are you? Are you like a circus freak? Cuz, I know at least one other of my fans that must be at least 6'10", and probably weighs 315 lbs at least. So you better be pretty freakin big to claim "biggest".
Just sayin,
d.b.


Date: 01/13/11   Subject: you rock
Hello!
I was at your show for the 4th time this past october at the texas ren. festival, you're so awesome! I'm gonna get a shirt so i can wear it when i see you next year! I first saw you in 2008, My friend told me about you, and so we decided to go check it out, loved it, ended up gonig later that day again :) anyway, keep up the awesome work!
-Elizabeth Mosely

Bob sez:
Liz,
Clearly, you are a very astute human with an excellent sense of humor. I applaud you and I will add you to my list of zombies. Your zombie number is 344235. When the time comes for us to take over the planet, you will receive your assignment and must act accordingly. Till then, viva la revolucion!
d.b.


Wanna email Ded Bob? He'll get back to you as soon as humanly possible. If you're lucky, maybe even sooner.

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